| #1 p|-|3arm3[39931] |
| lrar5pp13.alltel.net |
| Well this is my story report. I hope you liked it. I will give more character background, and explore their personalities, as well as introduce many more characters and the story background in coming chapters. |
| #2 p|-|3arm3[39932] |
| lrar5pp13.alltel.net |
| WTF is up with the comments lately? I alwasy have to reload before it will show any comments... Kinda strange. |
| #3 p|-|3arm3[39936] |
| lrar5pp13.alltel.net |
| WTF it was in paragraphs, with indentions, I swear! Fux0ring report sending script. |
| #4 Jim-the-Car[39943] |
| cx110054-a.pwy1.sdca.home.com |
| uhhh...first of all, webpages dont refresh themselves every second so it would make sense that they dont just appear at the bottom of your screen. and i think you need to use the tag for preformated text for more than 1 space to show up on a website |
| #5 Jim-the-Car[39944] |
| cx110054-a.pwy1.sdca.home.com |
spell check wouldnt hurt either....
junlge = jungle
lie = lay
truely = truly
armour = grrrr ;)
patroll = patrol
leaste = least
sitings = sightings
patroll = patrol
nearbye = nearby
troups = troops
patroll = patrol
adress = address
patroll = patrol
patroll = patrol
patroll = patrol
possibally = possibly
truely = truly
terribal = terrible
screaded = screamed (?)
lie = lay
nearbye = nearby
patroll = patrol
if you could fix those errors, it would make the story more seamless and easy to read, other than that, pretty good. Creative. |
| #6 p|-|3arm3[39948] |
| lrar5pp13.alltel.net |
| Hm... I'm going to spellcheck it and do a repost. |
| #7 Bane-The-Feared[39958] |
| acs00asm.asm.bellsouth.net |
| Did you actually go through the report and write down every mistake? hehe |
| #8 TaloN[40005] |
| cx110054-a.pwy1.sdca.home.com |
| He probably spent more time on the last sentence than all of the story. |
#9  [40055] |
| rliv213.infocom.com |
Okay phearer;ljekrt;lkjf or whatever your name is...
I don't really know what to say. I know you probably worked hard on this, but here's my problem. There's nothing here of substance, nothing to make me want to read the next chapter. There is no story, no plot, nothing. Just three terran infantry getting slain in gory fashion.
And by the way, you better add more characters since you killed off 3 of the 4 characters in the first chapter... :P
4
Dref
|
| #10 p|-|3arm3[40128] |
| r-174.150.alltel.net |
| This was ment to be an introduction, to show that there is a conflict, and the slaughtering of his patroll will have a profound effect on him later on.... Kindof like the mellowed out Nam Vets. |
| #11 Strom[40151] |
| ext185.mosx.com |
Most of the problems were noted above (no paragraphs/spell checking). As to the story itself I thought that it had a lot of potential, and was reasonably good, however it lacked a little in the way of atmosphere. Perhaps you might want to take a little more time going from point a to point b.
I hope that helps, I'm not too good at literature criticism.
Rating 6
Strom |
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