| #1 the()vermind[77016] |
| user-2ivea04.dialup.mindspring.com |
| well well well, just comment as much as you want. I don't nearly expect as much popularity about this than monty_pylon's fiction, but it doesen't matter. add coments at your will |
| #2 swiggy-bam[77020] |
| 162.119.232.100 |
| DivvyO |
| #3 heehehee[77021] |
| 162.119.232.100 |
| DivvyO |
| #4 DivvyO[77022] |
| 162.119.232.100 |
| There's more report here than battle, but hey, it's "part one" |
#5  [77023] |
| 208.196.35.239 |
hmmm, I'm not sure what to think. There is a lot of info here, but its basically reads like a history text book. I know its just an introduction, but it seems like you should have done some character development before ending part 1 to really draw your readers in.
Looks like you put quite a bit of thought into this and it will be interesting to see if you can actually come up with some sort of a story with the world you have created. As of right now though, there isn't much of a story here.
5
Cheers,
Dref |
| #6 The()vermind[77025] |
| user-2ive70a.dialup.mindspring.com |
| this is an into, not a chapter, and this isn't the completion of part 1 either |
| #7 DivvyO[77026] |
| 162.119.232.100 |
| It's the first post, so I'M gonna call it the first part. And all other parts hereafter will be referred to as "part 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9...132,980.5" to me. Why did you post an incomplete first part if this is the first part, and if this isn't the first part does that mean you just didn't commit the rest of it to writing, and if you didn't commit it to ... ah shit I went crosseyed again |
| #8 peonss[77027] |
| 202.108.71.164 |
| what a buncha crap |
| #9 CKane[77030] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
*yawn*
what Dref said
5
mark gimme rating power gogogo |
| #10 HKRules[77043] |
| c319158.extern.lawrenceville.org |
China owns your bones.
5.5 |
| #11 mlylecarlin[77044] |
| adsl-64-216-18-165.dsl.snantx.swbell.net |
*Yawn* it's all a bunch of crap. You said "Soviet prime minister" without saying Russia reverted to communism (which they would almost certainly have to do if they were to make a treaty like that with China, because it would infuriate the European Union)... the Russian government is NO LONGER SOVIET and it is a mistake to call them that.
Also, South Africa and the Congo have little or nothing between eachother worth fighting for. It seems like you pulled the two names out of a newspaper because they sounded good. You could have at least pulled the names of "two northern countries"... how lazy.
If the democratic and republican parties dwindled to that level, they would be gone. The parties have either near-total control (as now) in which case they can pass laws to keep themselves in, or they have weak weak weak control, in which case new parties will be formed to replace them. Historically it takes a major issue or a large personal feud to weaken a party like that, almost always by split. You should have addressed this.
Finally, your writing style is a little weak, and your vocabulary is repetive sounding.
2.3
mlylecarlin |
| #12 {ahc}overmind[77058] |
| user-2ive61c.dialup.mindspring.com |
| right mr fink |
| #13 Monty Pylon[77086] |
| gateway.Culinary.EDU |
Hmmmmmmm...a story is definatly a brewing but next time pay attention to important detail. Do not post incomplete work and you should do fine. A complete story is better than 1/4 a complete story or chapter, prolouge..whatever. It is giving me a hint of cliche but that could change. I would like to see the finished version of this.
|
| #14 Sexy^Orangutang[77134] |
| c1256320-a.stcla1.sfba.home.com |
| I think people are being "constructively" criticizing this guy a little too much. |
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