| #1 Koh[104544] |
| h24-76-216-150.va.shawcable.net |
| Sorry for the alliance ending kind of just part way through chapter 7. I never knew that these battle reports had size limits:) Guess it makes sense though. Anyways, I finally got off my lazy ass and finished the story, and decided it best to put it all into one thing. Well two, but I couldn't help that! |
| #2 Testicular_Pugilist[104548] |
| 65.102.188.165 |
| I partially agree with #2. The idea of the story was pretty good, if a bit overcomplicated. The execution is what left a lot to be desired. I think that maybe the writing was a little too simplistic for the type of story you attempted to produce... Honestly, I was reminded (in some of those scenese with Lily and Kin) of those poorly translated Japanese dating sims. That's really beside the point though. |
| #3 Testicular_Pugilist[104549] |
| 65.102.188.165 |
(sorry, but i feel that fanfictions require a bit more critique than standard BR's)
I'm not gonna' tell you that you had your facts all screwed up, because the whole StarCraft setting is one of fantasy, hence there are no definite right or wrong answers. But, I will say this: It would have made the story a little more convincing if maybe you had done a little research on what you described as about the 10th century. Again, this is a fantasy setting so there are no rules, but I don't think people would be all too accepting of Kin in that time period.
I think the only thing that was significantly lacking was the description, as well as the characters themselves. It's hard to explain, but some of the things that certain characters did just didn't seem to fit right. |
| #4 Testicular_Pugilist[104550] |
| 65.102.188.165 |
If you were to change anything, I would suggest putting a little more thought into the descriptions, as well as planning out the characters a little better.
Not a great story, but not bad.
I give it an easy 5.5
Up Over and Out
-- The Testicular Pugilist |
| #5 Who'sGotLag.IDO[104553] |
| usrns66.dialup.hawaii.edu |
Use a fileread to get around report size limit.
Fileread[address of report] |
| #6 Me[104563] |
| sdcax47-100.dialup.optusnet.com.au |
Good story overall. Bit more detail needed though.
7.5 |
| #7 Axel[104573] |
| 24.27.226.248.wintersprings-ubr-a.cfl.rr.com |
I comment mainly becase it eminds me of |]agomar's first work, mainly due to the title.
...did Dag leave or somethinhg? |
| #8 Twip[104577] |
| port-68.gall-ts1.cloh.net |
| Not to mention, more realistically the villagers probably would've cast Kin out and told him to stay the hell away (and although you have an excuse for them not doing that, you don't have one for saying it was their only choice). |
| #9 Thunder.[104607] |
| host-216-77-213-3.fll.bellsouth.net |
| Yo I think this FF was great. only downside was how the story ended.. and btw.. didnt raszavar(?) say that there were no queens nearby? how was dale infested? and.. didnt kid destroy the contols for the laser bars? lol.. justa few slip ups :P good story ! if i were a rater id give it like a 8. |
| #10 Patton1944[104610] |
| spider-wd084.proxy.aol.com |
| The new SC unit:Poor 10th century villagers. |
| #11 Koh[104613] |
| vance002.net.gov.bc.ca |
| Ok. Just because i said she used the keys to unlock the door it dosn't mean they can't be laser bars. Keys change of the years, am I right? Could be just a card or something. Also, he did say there were no queens near by, but he had a needle full of that stuff that infests. Yes Kin did destroy the control panel for the laser bars, but lets just say that it was fixed:) I tried to have a deep storyline, so its hard not to have a couple slips though. |
| #12 Shadow D'Arc[104695] |
| spider-mtc-tk063.proxy.aol.com |
Dale had been infested a long time ago too, if I remember correctly. I just skipped to the new part, heh. As far as keys go, they could have changed it to a key lock after he killed the laser bars also. I don't buy Kin and the infested chick, though. Other than that, very good. Easy 7.
Peace,
Shadow D'Arc |
| #13 Koh[104698] |
| h24-76-216-150.va.shawcable.net |
| She wasn't infested. She was just working for the Zerg. Money obviously. Same with Sergeant Harrow, he was never infested. |
| #14 Mindthief[104702] |
| ci31571-a.nash1.tn.home.com |
| Good story! I liked all the conspiracies and stuff. |
| #15 Shadow D'Arc[104707] |
| spider-tp084.proxy.aol.com |
....Oh. Then I guess it works.
Peace,
Shadow D'Arc
1 in 50. Go me. |
| #16 VampirePryncess[104721] |
| 162.114.24.119 |
| Overall, I thought this was a very interseting story. It needs some more details, but it's understandable, since you weren't gonna put a 500 pg book on here. I'd give it a 7. ^_^ gj Koh |
| #17 Koh[104755] |
| h24-76-216-150.va.shawcable.net |
SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn it! Hell!
I just remembered now! I was going to have Razavar end up being Kin's infested brother! I can't believe I forgot that!!!
FUCK!!!! |
| #18 Koh[104756] |
| h24-76-216-150.va.shawcable.net |
| Oh, by the way. The brother thing would've made a lot of sense, since they were both telepathic. |
| #19 VampirePryncess[104801] |
| spider-mtc-tf021.proxy.aol.com |
That would have put a better twist on the story. You should try to rewrite it in sometime. Send me a copy if you ever do, since I don't get a chance to get on here too often.
WindraEnigmati@hotmail.com |
| #20 Furious[104961] |
| bal-ts2-2500.tpgi.com.au |
| Good story man...........will you be following on with it or just leaving it as is? |
| #21 Koh[105133] |
| h24-76-216-150.va.shawcable.net |
| Thx! I may follow it. I even had a rough storyline planned... but if I do it won't be for a while. I got other projects to work on right now. |
| #22 |]agomar[105244] |
| Ottawa-ppp3517200.sympatico.ca |
| You copied the title name off of me. Ugh. That was a while ago tho. |
| #23 |]agomar[105245] |
| Ottawa-ppp3517200.sympatico.ca |
| shit, my finger slipped there - sorry Admin :(. Meant to give this one a five :(:( |
| #24 badtz maru[105323] |
| cg2258438-d.adubn1.nj.home.com |
#24 |]agomar[105245]
Ottawa-ppp3517200.sympatico.ca
shit, my finger slipped there - sorry Admin :(. Meant to give this one a five :(:(
lol we still love you dag ;D |
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