| #1 Fondle My Zinger[114146] |
| mkc-65-26-24-145.kc.rr.com |
| First |
| #2 Adrenaling[114148] |
| CPE002078e0f4b2.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
| hiho |
| #3 Black_Abyss[114151] |
| 1Cust150.tnt24.lax3.da.uu.net |
| Ooo, this is pretty good. Few grammar/spelling mistakes with a cool story, I'm willing to see more chapters =) |
| #4 reaqu[114152] |
| 66-44-6-254.s1778.apx1.lnh.md.dialup.rcn.com |
#4! i didnt like it but thats just me=/
4 |
| #5 Sexy^Orangutang[114154] |
| 12-234-99-99.client.attbi.com |
| dont people get it??? fuck, man |
| #6 NotDefault[114156] |
| h24-83-95-176.vs.shawcable.net |
I think it's highly likely that you're trying to make up a background story for a Quake series game (or something else John Carmack has worked on; I don't follow FPS games closely).
Regardless, I didn't like it very much. It was more interesting at the beginning, with the dialogue, but then got insane boring as you felt forced to describe every single weapon and tool at GenePool's command. Try explaining the mission first, and then talking about weapons. Heck, skip talking about weapons; it might improve the story.
NotDefault |
| #7 UltimateFire[114160] |
| spider-ntc-td012.proxy.aol.com |
| Someone should use this as a storyline for a FPS. Heck, try selling this as some sort of game manuscript, you could get rich =) |
| #8 [114161] |
| ppp-206-170-33-162.okld03.pacbell.net |
| ugh |
| #9 AbsoluteGeneus[114163] |
| spider-mtc-tf053.proxy.aol.com |
Hi.
Dont start with a screeplay type thing, the toatlly switch to another type of writing. Stay at one or the other. |
| #10 Durin B Brown[114164] |
| h24-65-212-228.cg.shawcable.net |
Alright :)
Since I got some of your attentions, I'll probably try and write up the next chapter by the end of the week.
Oh and I'll take all your suggestions to heart. I'll try to trend it down to normal writing and get into more detail about the mission coming up. |
| #11 ...[114165] |
| h24-76-50-216.vf.shawcable.net |
Boring... One man army? Will never work... Ever heard of a LAW? And, this is a low grade story.
To people who think this is, good, they should see, say the Deus Ex story. Yes, it's a FPS. |
| #12 Jekpo![114166] |
| c216-45-83-226.md1.cablespeed.com |
| "Canada has been whipped off..." haha sounds sexual |
| #13 ViRtuosO[114167] |
| sdn-ap-018caburbP0857.dialsprint.net |
| #13 owned |
| #14 SiG.[114168] |
| host-216-77-212-111.fll.bellsouth.net |
| sounds like a counter-strike like story.. |
| #15 Redemption6[114172] |
| cache-1.sbo.ma.webcache.rcn.net |
My thoughs are similar to those made by Sig. and NotDefault. First i did think it was a cs story at the beginning but that quickly changed at the end. I personally believe that when you write a fanfic it should start with some kinda of battle scene or something interesting to captivate the readers attention, then you should be able to keep it with a good plot. It did keep my attention at the beginning prolly cuz i was really alert. But later spelling mistakes, grammer, and just a kinda of...not-interesting story line killed it 4 me. It was okay i guess.
*and...for the future muscle is not spelled mussle ;) |
| #16 Durin B Brown[114175] |
| h24-65-212-228.cg.shawcable.net |
Yeah I knew I fux0r3d that up ;)...
This time I'll be more careful :) |
#17  [114179] |
| St-Catherines-ppp112545.sympatico.ca |
wow. Okay, say it's WW3. Nukes land in the USA. So, miraculously, CANADA is totally gone, yet the United States remains?
No. Russian nukes do not halt 10 meters above their target cities, then miraculously bolt off to find the nearest French person. Only British nukes do that.
Hrm. As a short story wasn't too much to my liking . . . the writing I didn't like too much, nor the explaining of all the weapons and stuff . . . which really doesn't fit too well in a short story beginning with dialogue ( looked more like a game guide or something ). Anyway, 5. |
| #18 IcE-Inforcer[114185] |
| proxy.ia4.marketscore.com |
Man, one part didn't make sense.
First of all, Canada is wayyyyy bigger than US. So nukes would have no prob taking out US. And why would they target Canada. All we got down, I mean up here is hockey players and penguins. Just kidding.
Story was good, write more with more action and shit.
Btw: 25% of US army>Canada's entire army
5-6 |
| #19 [114189] |
| dhcp6555.dhcp.unc.edu |
US land area: 3,618,784 sq. mi.
Canada land area: 3,851,809 sq. mi.
Wayyyyy bigger...right.... |
| #20 Redemption6[114194] |
| cache-1.sbo.ma.webcache.rcn.net |
| you cant blow up all of canada because no one lives in half of it. Perhaps there was some unknown reason that canada got firebombed, like maybe they pissed Russia off and shit. Or maybe itz cuz russia doesnt want to launch at the US cuz they have 10500 nukes :D and canada has......2 untested nukes stored in the bottom of an indian tribal leaders house. |
| #21 Swiss[114196] |
| h24-76-50-216.vf.shawcable.net |
| ##$$#ing canada bashers. Rednecks. |
| #22 Durin B Brown[114198] |
| h24-65-212-228.cg.shawcable.net |
| Population wize, yes you can destroy Canada. The state of california has more people in it, then there are as a whole in Canada. I'll fill you in on the next chapter. |
| #23 Twip[114199] |
| 0-1pool196-156.nas6.columbus1.oh.us.da.qwest.net |
C (see)
A (EH)
N (en)
A (EH)
D (dee)
A (EH)
Yessir. |
| #24 [114200] |
| St-Catherines-ppp112379.sympatico.ca |
lol population has nothing to do with it. Distribution of population over a wide land area that's not targeted . . . there's your problem.
In any case, for Russia to suddely reprogram their nukes in the middle of WW3 to hit targets in Canada ( and it's have to be a large number of targets, spread over a large area ) to obliterate Canada, rather than focusing on their real military enemies . . . would be . . . ridiculous. |
| #25 God_Of_All_Raters[114213] |
| pt11-39.rapidnet.com |
| ya know i really kinda liked it.......i dont usually read these kinds of stories by anybody i dont care HOW good they are but this story really kept my interest.........i liked the whole WWIII thing it dont matter if canada could get blown up or not it just happened......remember all you people that this could be way in the future and so part of canada may have sunk into the see who knows? who cares? i thought it was great keep writing |
| #26 striz[114217] |
| CPE00a0cc2d2b10.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
why'd canada die?!?!?!
burn. |
| #27 DoobieSnacks[114285] |
| c-66-56-1-63.atl.client2.attbi.com |
| stopped reading at "name code" =[ |
| #28 ch(eh)ought(ic)[114622] |
| cache570.dist.maricopa.edu |
| I write stories for a living, and this one to me holds my interest. You have style, and any person who actually knows anything about professional writing would tell you that you have a "unique" beginning. At the end, the long description of the weapons reminds me of a Termanator movie turned into a book. I am intersted in the rest of what you intend to write. BTW... how old are you? |
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