| #1 IcE-Inforcer[114846] |
| 209.105.210.34 |
Once again I take first mwahaha...
:)
Looks awesome |
| #2 huker[114847] |
| bgp559251bgs.eatntn01.nj.comcast.net |
| t.t second |
| #3 Ender[114848] |
| 24-90-18-132.si.rr.com |
| third -_- |
| #4 CaughtNaked[114850] |
| pcp831326pcs.nrockv01.md.comcast.net |
| hi KR :} |
| #5 ZerG~LinG[114854] |
| p451-118.ppp.get2net.dk |
IcE u sit around pressing F5?
Anyways i have quite a confession to make...
I've never read any of these O_O
I think i'll begin now, homework later ;) |
| #6 Keanu_Reaver[114855] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-98.sea.eschelon.com |
| hey cn :D lol zling...i think this is one of my favs of the story :D enjoy everyone |
| #7 Jekpo![114856] |
| c216-45-83-226.md1.cablespeed.com |
| I think he does -_-;; |
| #8 SiG.[114857] |
| host-216-77-220-213.fll.bellsouth.net |
ooh yay, i like :)
Ender? oh plz, gimme a break = |
| #9 hi[114861] |
| c-24-245-64-22.mn.client2.attbi.com |
| hello |
| #10 Psyonic_Reaver[114862] |
| 2Cust219.tnt1.bend.or.da.uu.net |
| <3 Kanu Reeves! |
| #11 Blitzkreig_[114864] |
| user-2ini8tp.dialup.mindspring.com |
| hey keanu <3 |
| #12 firestone[114865] |
| line44.tekdata.net |
| Very alsome story i liked it very much if i were a rater i would give this excellent story a 10 |
| #13 UltimateFire[114868] |
| spider-ntc-tc024.proxy.aol.com |
| This story keeps getting better and better, Good Work man ;) |
| #14 Twip[114893] |
| 0-1pool192-76.nas5.columbus1.oh.us.da.qwest.net |
My only criticism for now is the casual way everyone seems to react to things.
Kane: "Oh by the way, this guy was really an assassin who was 'sposed to kill you."
Kelvena: "Oh. K." *follows Kane out of room*
And they find out that James is a millenium old. "K."
lol |
| #15 Keanu_Reaver[114897] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-186.sea.eschelon.com |
neh...i wanted their actions to speak louder then their dialog, Kelvena couldnt get her mind off of what the elder was saying thinking about it in bed, and since xaniir is damned near a millenium old himself (and a very sound thinker) it really shouldnt be too much of a shock to him...and of course zeltior and kane both have their reasons for not being so shocked ;)
as for kelvena and zeltior, i intended for the action to be at the beginning of zeltiors deception (kelvena frantically looking for her psi blade bracelet and curling up near the top of her bed) and when kane saves her, for it to be more a euphoric trance like state...though now that i re-read it i really should have put that in their :( |
| #16 Keanu_Reaver[114898] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-186.sea.eschelon.com |
| huk, my grammar blows anus |
#17  [114909] |
| StCatherines-ppp109150.sympatico.ca |
lol, you must expect these ratings by now ;). 8!!
Keanjoo, l4dd3r 4bu$3s 2night?!?! NO H4X only abu$e!! |
| #18 Twip[114935] |
| 0-1pool196-76.nas6.columbus1.oh.us.da.qwest.net |
Well, Keanu, it may be that my imagination is too lazy to go ahead on its own, but I keep finding this about your descriptions: (in a lot of parts) you're not really conveying the feelings of the moments, and such. Like saying someone is "in a daze," and then no other mention of it. It doesn't describe it very well.
This is just something I realized fully a few minutes ago, but I swear it's the difference between this and a good novel. I spose it could be up to style of writing.. but I tell you, I don't empathize at all with the characters, with the given descriptions.
Btw, I didn't Really get the impression of "kelvena frantically looking for her psi blade bracelet and curling up near the top of her bed." I knew she was 'scared,' but she seemed very cool about it to me.
This is what I think. Take it as you will. |
| #19 Keanu_Reaver[114952] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-75.sea.eschelon.com |
"Kelvena began frantically looking around for her psi blade bracelet while inching her way up the bed trying to get away from Zeltior. But no matter how hard she searched the bracelet simply was not to be found."
but i will keep that in mind twip...i know i do need alot of work on my writing
im thinking when i do finish the story im gonna re-read all of the comments i recieved on it thus far, then im gonna use that and re-write the entire story and put it out in one big chunk...so thanks for the criticism :)
|
| #20 Amoeba_Boy[114962] |
| spider-wj022.proxy.aol.com |
"Kelvana searched the room, franticlly looking for her psi blade bracelet. Zeltior was creeping closer every second, and it would all be over if Kelvana didn't think fast. Yet she was to scared to do anything.
She crawled towards the end of the bed, sweat was dripping down her face. Here eyes were wide open, still searching for her bracelet. etc..."
Hmmmmmm, maybe I should leave this to you keanu, I have my own fanfic |
| #21 vincible[114969] |
| roam155-218.student.harvard.edu |
"Kelvana reached for her psi bracelet, and felt a jolt of panic as her hand closed around empty air. Where was it? Her eyes darted around the room--nothing. She scrabbled through her belongings, knowing as she did so that there was no time, that Zelitor was close enough to kill her at his leisure.
Zelitor raised his blade. Its blue light revealed his face, which bore an expression of grim resolve. It was the face of an executioner. Kelvana watched in despair as Zelitor tensed for the killing blow..."
Hmm, that was fun. |
| #22 stardust8297[114970] |
| sdn-ar-013casfrMP069.dialsprint.net |
hehe the story keeps gettin better and better... can't wait ti see how it turns out in the end =P well i definitely enjoyed this part of the story... great storyline, well written.
hehe it's funny though... cause more and more things are being explained, so everything is making more and more sense... but at the same time i keep getting more and more confused... i think that means there's something wrong with me lol.
cant wait for the next one, keep on writing =P |
| #23 stardust8297[115066] |
| sdn-ar-015casfrMP174.dialsprint.net |
geez you people always have to make me feel so darned SLOW! like half the time i post a comment, i'm the LAST to do so... cant you just add RANDOM comments like me?!
i only have one thing to say to you people: PSH!!! |
| #24 UltimateFire[115083] |
| spider-ntc-tb024.proxy.aol.com |
You say that too often. I think you would talk half as much if we removed "psh" from your vocabulary.
It's midnight, do you know where your drugs are? |
| #25 Keanu_Reaver[115116] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-207.sea.eschelon.com |
| haha, she said it once, gj #25 ;) |
| #26 Puma5000[115590] |
| 216-55-164-139.dsl.san-diego.abac.net |
AAAAHHHH I HATE JAPANIME! I'm sorry but this just gives off such a huge anime vibe. No seriously :) Like others said, the descriptions are wierd at best and the dialog is...well yeah heheh.
Oh fine I don't hate all anime, Princess Mononoke was good but Akira clones (which is a lot of anime) just suck. I guess I'm too much of a damn dirty hippy! }:-)
|
| #27 KillaH![116035] |
| spider-ti033.proxy.aol.com |
| I have yet to read it but it made gold so i'll say 8! |
| #28 homer[118318] |
| sdn-ar-019casfrMP201.dialsprint.net |
| it appears that i have misplaced my pants |
| #29 coolkid[155577] |
| ip70-179-16-59.sd.sd.cox.net |
| I thing this war is grate for us people and for the world peace. |
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