"Why does A-X suck so bad? The world may never know ..."
-Mogalin
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#1  [154279] | | ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net | | that felt good, no rating please! | | #2 Asmodues[154281] | | fltg-dslttc1-30.fltg.net | | Second! I feel important in the pants. | | #3 Desert Demon[154282] | | user-0ce2ksl.cable.mindspring.com | | Third ^_^ | | #4 Mr.Puddles[154284] | | 216.49.241-DSL-93.ckt.net | | Not bad. | | #5 wakiki[154288] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | | 5th. | | #6 hidden[154290] | | proxy.skynet.be | ife .. il just do this to get in the top 10 then shall I ?
il read it later.. really | | #7 Desert Demon[154292] | | user-0ce2ksl.cable.mindspring.com | Yay! That was awesome.
Couple problems grammatically...one time you said "his pupil's dilated" instead of "pupils." Also, the tense change while talking about the chief threw me. Lastly, "The chief was sure to scold him, he knew this much, but he could not help but wonder how harshly, he wondered if the chief would even show any signs of empathy at all!" probably would work better broken up.
I assumed this isn't the WC3 story, even with the Night Elves and everything, but I got a touch confused.
Excellent though. | | #8 Desert Demon[154293] | | user-0ce2ksl.cable.mindspring.com | Oh...I get it now.
I went back to your old stuff to see why the names were so familiar, then understood the intro bit.
I'm a touch slow today, aren't I? :P | | #9 Desert Demon[154294] | | user-0ce2ksl.cable.mindspring.com | Wee...
Read the others. I am hungering for more now :O | | #10 [154296] | | ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net | | heh thanks, ill be submitting the next two chapters probably on tuesday or wednesday, then i'll start submitting the new chapters next sunday. it isn't intended to be war3, but i am a terrible name maker, so many of the names (like night elves) are nothing more than place holders until i make up new names. | | #11 Desert Demon[154297] | | user-0ce2ksl.cable.mindspring.com | Awesome.
I am looking forward to the new chapters :]
I realized my folly in assuming War3 after going back and reading the original posting's comments.
Now to find a way to time warp to the next release :] | | #12 FoodTastesGood[154304] | | pm738-11.dialip.mich.net | | i rememebr this story! plz get the new ones out cause i rememebr all of the chapters up to the last and was sad when u stopped >.< NEW ONES PLZ | | #13 mattzarella[154325] | | 162.7.33.65.cfl.rr.com | what
where is mattilda | #14  [154367] | | d141-165-127.home.cgocable.net | | ZESTAY! | | #15 SpuniasauR[154432] | | CPE-203-45-70-168.nsw.bigpond.net.au | great stuff keanu.
quick update update, "sword drawn..." you cant leave the story thereeeeeeeee :( | | #16 TheEbonHand[154434] | | 028.148-205-66.ftth.swbr.surewest.net | | I remember these stories Keanu, good times, make more for me. | | #17 kane[154464] | | shore-100-110.rh.uchicago.edu | if i were a rater, i would rate this
kane for rater | | #18 wakiki[154486] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | Hello, I just read through this. Overall, I think it’s very good. I am going to comment on several specific parts of it.
--“The Elves and Dwarves cast away their former misanthropy in pursuit of other stimulants, but the others did not.“
I found this to be a little odd. Some sort of reason behind this would be nice :)
--“Humans began to combat warry Orc warriors with bushels of grain and a cozy bed to sleep, instead of with swords of their own. Once again, peace was within this worlds grasp, but once again, wickedness would endure.In a moment of naive trust, he knelt down to assist an injured goblin archer, only to taste cold and bitter steel “
I had to read through this a few times to figure out who “he” was. Since you had stopped using the Christ figure as the subject, and used “Humans,” “peace,” and “wickedness” between the time you last used “Him,” I got a little lost.
--”He spat up blood, feeling the cold steel head of the arrow lodged deep in his throat, and wearily looked over to his oncoming followers. His eyes slowly welled up with blood and tears alike over his followers show of aggression. In one last act of benevolence, he rolled over upon the injured Goblin archer, enduring his own followers spears and swords to protect the Goblin. His journey was now over.”
Wait, were his followers trying to kill the goblin, or did the goblin kill him? A little confused here.
--“An exception did occur, though, in the most unlikely of places. The Elves have always thought themselves to be smarter--and thusly greater”
The use of the word “smarter” doesn’t seem to fit the tone so far. Perhaps “wiser” or “more intelligent” would fit better. This just stuck out at me.
--”Before this army finally escaped the horrors of the Shadow Forest, they had lost countless brave warriors to their own spears and swords.”
Wow, I love this. I like how this individual battle parallels the larger war, just on a smaller scale.
*Overall, the introduction was very well written, in a clearly defined, epic tone. Only the words “warry” and “smarter” seemed to stray from the feel. On to the story...
--”Zacharim Meridial awoke to the sounds of those war machines blasting holes in his beautiful city of Padorim.”
Heh, a description of the city of Padorim would be nice. Also, of the war machines which are destroying it. Of course, this might come later(I don’t know -- I’m typing this as I’m reading it). I like the name “Padorim” -- I can never seem to think up any decent names when I write.
--“He would not roll over this time, though, as he knew his brother Jarius was out there fighting and could use another sword on the battle field. He swiftly leaped down from the top of the tree-house, lying precariously at the top of an average sized pine, which was the extent of his and his brother’s house, and crept along the other various tree houses, making sure not to be noticed.
BOOM! The blast was deafening, and close enough to feel. Zacharim tilted his head up and caught sight of a beautiful tree house ablaze. He gasped and felt his knees weaken at the joint as the once magnificent tree house collapsed...”
Okay, I’m starting to get an image of the city in my head. However, you have overused the words “tree house” in these and future paragraphs, I think. Make up a word for them, or even temporarily “borrow” the word “flet” from Tolkien, if you have to. Using the words “tree house” five times in four consecutive sentences is, well, bleh ;)
--“....taking notice of the archers already mounted on the various archers posts (five planks of wood tied to a branch was the extent of these posts)”
I really like this idea, and the description. This gives me an image of all these little platforms in the trees with archers firing from all directions, concealed in the trees. It greatly helps my view of the battle.
Throughout the whole battle, Zacharim seems to be celebrating more than actually throwing spears. He only threw one spear the entire battle, which seems a little wierd. This might be part of the character that you are developing for Zacharim, but it doesn’t seem to fit the Night Elf race very well. I would have rather seen him simply absorb and note the fact that the Night Elves flanked, and continued throwing spears. Of course, he is only eight.
The rest of the story seemed to fit fairly well. I'm having a little bit of difficulty in believing the tha chief would send out an eight year old on reconnaisance, although hopefully that will be explained later.
Anyways, I hope you don't mind me telling you what I think. If I offend you, feel free to let me know and I will shut up :) | | #19 [154500] | | ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net | ah, i need to explain more, a few things though:
-i tried to keep the prelude as basic as i could, what i said was what i want the reader to know...what wasn't explained properly was done on purpose (for instance, how the christ figure died)...i need to change around the words of it though
-i didn't explain it properly, but the race of night elves reaches maturity faster than we do...despite them living so much longer. a night elf reaches adulthood at 9, so zacharim could be considered to be 16 or 17, while Jarius is in his mid twenties.
-as a fighter, zacharim is fairly inept, i should explain this more as well
all in all, thank you for the critique! i appreciate it |
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