| #1 DD[157558] |
| user-0ce2ka2.cable.mindspring.com |
| cool this looks legit. |
| #2 Some_God[157560] |
| ool-18b8c5a0.dyn.optonline.net |
| So did the Dark Lord of Crap's first report... |
| #3 BeRzErKeR[157561] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
| I resent that . . . I think . . . |
| #4 fluffykittens[157562] |
| nei-hs2-001.inetnebr.com |
| I'm bristling with excitement. Yay! |
| #5 fluffykittens[157563] |
| nei-hs2-001.inetnebr.com |
| It has to be good because it's a chapter. |
#6  [157564] |
| d141-165-127.home.cgocable.net |
| MORE LIKE CHAPTER FUN! |
| #7 Chris[157565] |
| astound-64-85-237-46.ca.astound.net |
Great wo-
0. |
| #8 PeaceableGhost[157570] |
| 198.109.221.15 |
| Not bad... should be way longer. Like, 2-3 times as long. But that's my opinion. 5-6. |
| #9 Asmodues[157572] |
| fltg-dslttc1-30.fltg.net |
| Don't fanfics go in Other? |
| #10 Decay[157582] |
| 66.44.168.226 |
| The writing was pretty good, but yeah, much more of it would have made this more enjoyable. Just too short. Make the next installment longer. :) |
| #11 SnK-Arcbound[157583] |
| evrtwa1-ar11-4.14.98.31.evrtwa1.dsl-verizon.net |
Watch my hand carefully.......................
This is crap. |
| #12 timid[157585] |
| cpe-24-30-184-75.socal.res.rr.com |
Hey a couple mistakes it:
The whole Koprulu sector had become a madhouse, and I considered myself well shut of it.
Besides that it was rather short so unless you post a chapter a day, I would recommend posting 3 chapters at a time. |
| #13 BeRzErKeR[157589] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
thx timid,decay,and ghost next chap. will be longer.
arcbound go screw yourself. |
| #14 LMW-S[157590] |
| adsl-69-210-64-179.dsl.milwwi.ameritech.net |
No offense, I don't mean this to sound like I'm elitist but this "fanfic" seemed very amateurish (I suppose it is.)
Like others said it was pretty short, and not very good at all. For example, "Tau Ceti Prime looked totally peaceful." It sounds like a valley girl would've said that, not like a piece of literature. "Dude, there's like totally a bunch of zerglings over there."
Now I'm not trying to put you down or discourage you, by all means continue writing because that's the only way you'll get better. But, how many times did you revise this? I think if you put a little more time revising sentences and trying to create a more immersive feel (to me this felt like a battle report in fanfic form, and to me fanfic should be immersive, where battle reports are more technical) which is a very good thing. Honestly, and please don't take this the wrong way, this fanfic was crap.
Still, I'm looking forward to more, and don't become discouraged by my comments, they're meant to help. Good luck with your fanfic. |
| #15 BeRzErKeR[157608] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
Yes LMW, this is my first piece of starcraft writing, so it should be amateurish.
Thx for your comment, and bear with me until my writing gets better. |
| #16 BeRzErKeR[157609] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
btw, I revised this about 3 times.
|
| #17 Hey Joe[157627] |
| CPE00a065cb0ceb-CM0012c99f036c.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
| Beginning sort of reminded me of .Praetor's Pheonix Legion Chronicles... That's not a good thing... |
#18  [157637] |
| user-12l2ep3.cable.mindspring.com |
| I give this a 3 for its incredible brevity. I think you should write more and repost. The writing itself was pretty good though. |
| #19 [157691] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
OK, OK, I get the whole "too short" thing. next chap. will be longer.
|
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