| #1 BeRzErKeR[158507] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
| I like this. Make more! |
| #2 Asmodues[158513] |
| fltg-dslttc1-30.fltg.net |
| When was the last real BR? It's been ages. |
| #3 Dice[158515] |
| nj-65-164-22-169.dyn.sprint-hsd.net |
| I'm trying to get a Dawn of War report set up but its taking a while |
| #4 Spike[158518] |
| CPE00a065cb0ceb-CM0012c99f036c.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
Just a comment here:
It should be longer.
I think that was sufficient enough. |
| #5 RabidMurloc[158520] |
| spider-rtc-tc122.proxy.aol.com |
Hmm, not too bad. I think fanfics are under-appriciated. (god my spelling sucks) But still, EE sure is taking his time with the next X-Com report. Meh. This looks good, your writing is fine and dandy. Can't wait too see how it performs in a combat situation.
WoW update 47% downloaded....come on already... |
| #6 MidnightGladius[158521] |
| 221.226.128.68 |
| The next chapter features several of what you call "combat situations". And Spike, they will now be ~6-10 pages upon submission. That long enough for you? |
| #7 Niek[158527] |
| P172-124.let.leidenuniv.nl |
| OMG, your English is so bad and your knowledge of the Stracraft universre pitiful. For example, Cerebrates don't have heads, they are just one pulsing mass of flesh. |
| #8 Niek[158528] |
| P172-124.let.leidenuniv.nl |
| And Eldritch... PLEASE get on with the x-com reports. Unless you hae a lot os study work to do, of course, which has first priority. |
| #9 BeRzErKeR[158529] |
| 216.49.74.174 |
| YES. Finish x-com. That actually takes priority over studying. (j/k) |
#10  [158531] |
| CPE000ea6388836-CM001371143574.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
I dont mean to sound cruel or anything, but after exactly 5 seconds I decided I could not continue reading this. I always begin to read a videogame fanfic with SOME trepidation, as it's generally the case that they contain (with some notable exceptions) a truly astonishing amount of bad, sloppy writing. That was certainly the case here. For one, it's rarely a good idea to begin scenes by explicitly telling the reader where we are with a single sentence. Try describing the location, thereby slowly bringing the reader into your universe. For two, I don't think it was your intention to say an actual person (kerrigan) should be destabilized. That just sounds retarded. Rather, you meant her Empire should be destabilized. Finally, sacrasm dripping off of a tone - hm. That just doesn't sound right. Try rewording that, because it's weird.
Anyway blah blah blah I'm sure it wasn't that bad. But those first 5 seconds ensured that I'd be just about the least impartial person who could possibly read this. If it isn't rated in a few days I'll try and skim through it - or wade through it - to see if it improves. |
| #11 MidnightGladius[158535] |
| 221.226.131.107 |
OK, I'm taking into mind what you are all saying. Constructive criticism never hurts, but:
Niek: That was a blatantly cruel insult. First of all, I doubt your English is better than mine (you can't even spell "universre" correctly). Secondly, If you look at the actual in-game Cerebrate, it DOES have a head (either that, or my sight/imagination is whack). Besides, I'm just trying to give a figurative impression. And yes, I want the next X-COM to come out as soon as possible, too.
Dagomar: I'll take that into mind (about scene-setting and such). Technically, if you destabilize Kerrigan, you destabilize her empire, because her mind supposedly controls all the underlings (Cerebrates, Queens, Overlords, etc.). If you shoot her non-fatally, I'm pretty sure the rest of the Zerg will reflect that. I've heard the phrase "<person> said, sarcasm dripping off <his/her> tone." many times, but if you don't like the idea of a Cerebrate being sarcastic, sue me. I'm assuming Cerebrates have feelings too, and aren't just some sort of robot. Besides, in the campaign, Zasz and Daggoth show no little anger/consternation over Kerrigan's place in the Overmind's hierarchy.
And that's all I have to say to you. Good day. |
| #12 MidnightGladius[158539] |
| 221.226.143.238 |
| Also, Niek, after reading through .Praetor's Phoenix Legion Chronicles, I noticed that he mentioned several instances of Cerebrates expelling gas when emotional, something that never happens in the game. I also didn't notice you calling his knowledge of the SC universe pitiful. |
| #13 SupeRc0pKr[158548] |
| cpe-24-160-8-148.sw.res.rr.com |
if you don't detach yourself from your work and continue to respond to criticism in this manner:
"but if you don't like the idea of a Cerebrate being sarcastic, sue me."
you are going to be a douche for the rest of your life
your readers are trying to help you to write a better story, if you block out their feedback how do you intend on improving the story / your writing ability
i doubt you are a serious enough writer to really give a shit about what you write, probably the only reason you're getting so worked up is because you're taking it personally, but even if you're doing this for fun you'll get a lot more out of it if you listen to reader feedback and improve on what's not working instead of |
| #14 SupeRc0pKr[158549] |
| cpe-24-160-8-148.sw.res.rr.com |
| defending every minor detail that is called to attention |
| #15 MidnightGladius[158551] |
| 221.226.131.157 |
| Apparently, I have a crap sense of humor. I am fully attempting to implement the advice people are giving me. |
| #16 MidnightGladius[158552] |
| 221.226.131.157 |
I am "defending every minor detail" because they [i]are[/i] being called to attention. I am trying to enjoy this as much as possible, but with people throwing themselves down my throat for no good reason, don't I have the right to some pride?
And if you read the next one, you will know that I am listening to reader feedback and improving on what isn't working. |
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