| #1 KoRnRuLz[FTL] (ppp30.bcpl.net)[6974] |
|
| Damn I am sooo much of a newby. |
| #2 Johnny_Vegas (fink.ahnet.net)[6975] |
|
| I wouldn't wipe my ass with this report if it was printed on the same toilet paper that God uses. |
| #3 YourRoleModel (107.np8.np.dialup.nauticom.net)[6978] |
|
| Now that I've officially joined the ranks of the raters, I refuse to give this even a 1.0 which would then classify this as A REPORT, which it isn't. Take it off before Slicer makes some cool animation for it and it has to stay up. |
| #4 KoRnRuLz[FTL] (ppp30.bcpl.net)[6980] |
|
| You guys, my report ownz you and so does my lift off command center strategy! |
| #5 Ash (209.110.158.1)[6981] |
|
| Contrats to YRM for becoming a rater. Now somebody delete this piece of crap before it makes me sick. |
| #6 ~CattleBruiser~ (ip179.herndon21.va.pub-ip.psi.net)[6982] |
|
One monkey. One typewriter. Five minutes.
<FONT>
<U>Opponents</U>
Korn (Terran) vs. Zergboy (Zerg)
CAPTAIN'S LOG:
The epic battle took place on the charred landscape of the Found Temple. I had the misfortune of starting in the dreaded 3:45 PM position and realized that I wouldn' be able to add a nuke silo to my CC. Drat!
I decided not to scout, because I'd seen that Zergboy was Zerg from his original selection in the chat room, a selection so devious that I almost didn't connect it with his moniker. Anyhow, I knew he was zerg and decided, therefore, that the dreaded lurker rush was in the offing, in the time honoured tradition of People Who Play Zerg. My 4 SCVs fervently set to work mining the precious minerals, taking care not to drop any along the way back to the command center; there had been an insane Charian Luau the night before you see, and several of the SCV drivers had trouble getting in, let alone operating their SCVs.
Time passed, and the SCVs diligently gathered more and more minerals to help defray the cost of a lengthy war with the insectoid race. I decided to commence work next on a barracks, when Radar Man Johnson on the top floor of the Command Center brought news!
"Zerglings incoming from the southern quadrant!" I hated Radar Man Johnson. He thinks he's so cool up in that penthouse of the Command Center. Just because he can remove more fog of war than the rest of us except for maybe Mr. Burns, he thinks he's the man.
Unfortunately for us, the zerglings came at an inopportune time. But in war, every time is an inopportune one. This was just a bit more inopportune than most. Actually, if you put it on the inopportune scale, with 1 being most fortunate and 10 being very inopportune, this inopportune time was a very inopportune time, hence, making it a 10 on the inopportune scale.
Anyhow, zerglings came in from the south and launched at the SCVs. Because no barracks had been made yet, we were at a distinct disadvantage, much like the poor inner-Space troubled youths with low socioeconomic backgrounds competing for jobs outside the space junkyard. I used my tactical wits to deduce that the enemy had done the dreaded 4-pool rush, which, for the unitiated, is a rush to morph 4 spawning pools in with the four original drones. Of course, this takes quite some time, and it was with much reluctance that I embraced this personification of the situation. Luckily, my Lieutenant informed me that a new French 4-Pool had been invented. Man, those French have a different way to do everything! Anyhow, this new French 4-pool involved throwing down a single spawning pool as soon as possible and creating only zerglings to throw at the enemy. Well, not throw of course, for the zergling cannon comes much later in the technology tree for the standard unmutated Zerg brood. However, my reverie was cut short by the hungry zerglings attacking the SCVs.
SCVs have no problem fending off poorly managed zerglings rushes of course. One fights and runs around while the others trade hits and repair those being attacked. However, I decided to try a new strategy this time, which involved every SCV taking on zerglings one on one. I was rewarded only with gutteral cries of death as the drivers of the SCVs were removed and eviscerated. Serves them right for coming to work drunk, the lazy bastards.
The zerglings then commenced to pounding upon the command center. Not realizing the complete ludicrousity of the situation, the thousand ton space station lifted off to prevent the little buggers from knocking in the front door. Safe at last, we zoomed into the sky and proceeded to watch the zerglings from above, much like those Nature Watches we play in the smoking lounge on the third floor. This was a very peaceable affair, and I soon had on my best smoking jacket and a few smuggled Havanas, enjoying the antics of the playful Zerglings as they ran in circles below.
It was then that Radar Man Johnson brought further word to me. "Creep approaching from all directions, sir!" That damned Johnson. He thinks he can call me names just because I sneak up on him to observe his performance on the job. I will have to demote him as soon as we return to Tarsonis.
Far below, the strange goo of the trademark Zerg gradually covered the ground below, and soon after tall creep colonies arched majestically in the sky like tall creep colonies arched majestically in the sky. These were morphed soon after into spore colonies, and as thelast was completed, a low rumble echoed through the air...a thousand times louder and more ominous than the sound of a flushing toilet. The first of the colonies began launching its projectiles at the flying Command Center.
"They're all around us, sir! There's no escape!" What a worry-wart, that Johnson. I calmly continued smoking my cigars before getting up to observe the fracas. It is here that I stand now, before the window on the second floor as the ineffectual spore colonies continue their mad barrage onto the thick exoskeleton of the massive man-made metallic base. Of course, such organics can never hope to pierce the mighty Terran Command Center as even a child knows that only --
<I>*kssht*</I>
<B>BOOM!</B></FONT>
There... One monkey. One computer. Eight minutes. +0.5 rating for effort. :)
Cheers, and apologies to Creationists,
~CattleBruiser~ |
| #7 ~CattleBruiser~ (ip179.herndon21.va.pub-ip.psi.net)[6983] |
|
| And if it had read like that, I would have given it a 2.0 ;) |
| #8 Slicer (ip133.portland11.or.pub-ip.psi.net)[6984] |
|
ROFL Cattlebruiser!!! ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL!!!
But don't worry guys. This report sucks too bad for any Bengalaas, even one whose mother used triple doses of Thalidomide. |
| #9 ~CattleBruiser~ (ip179.herndon21.va.pub-ip.psi.net)[6985] |
|
| It's not the format that matters. It's the story. I didn't use any HTML except for <I> and <B> and no pictures either. Give me a day and I"ll get you a mug of Radar Man Johnson though. |
| #10 ~CattleBruiser~ (ip179.herndon21.va.pub-ip.psi.net)[6986] |
|
| What are Johnny_Vegas' views on crack-bengalaas-babies anyhow? |
| #11 KoRnRuLz[FTL] (ppp30.bcpl.net)[6987] |
|
| What does YRM stand for? |
| #12 (MG)Conor (spider-wl034.proxy.aol.com)[6988] |
|
| YRM stands for YourRoleModel, but not even he could help you. This report sucks, next time choose a better match. |
| #13 Johnny_Vegas (fink.ahnet.net)[6990] |
|
ROFLMAO!!
Cattlebruiser wins the award for "Best Comment Ever".
Crack bengalaas babies is a growing problem on the outskirts of the terran border worlds. The left over stim pack packages that the marines leave behind have been irresistible to some prides of bengalaas.
Studies show that 45% of all new born bengalaas on the planetary system of Tarsonis are dependent on some sort of terran introduced narcotic stimulant. |
| #14 Mark4 (1Cust42.tnt2.rdu1.da.uu.net)[6992] |
|
| Damn. CB saved this one from the old delete pile with his comment. =] |
| #15 Cakemix (host-209-214-145-216.msy.bellsouth.net)[6993] |
|
| wow nice report especially from a newbie like your self, kornrulz |
| #16 KoRnRuLz[FTL] (ppp219.bcpl.net)[7007] |
|
| Dammit my record on battle.net is now 0-134-4, damn 4 poolers on Blood Bath!! |
| #17 KoRnRuLz[FTL] (ppp219.bcpl.net)[7008] |
|
| Cattlebruiser making fun of newbies like me =( |
| #18 ~CatlleBruiser~ (ip191.herndon21.va.pub-ip.psi.net)[7011] |
|
A) If your record is truly 0-134-4, then you're no longer a newbie. Try starting over. Get off Blood Bath, find a kind player and start learning from them. Play them over and over until they've beaten you every possible way they can. Then improve.
2) I'm not making fun of you. I'm satirizing what seemed to be a wastrel effort on the battle report. There's no excuse to make fun of someone. There's also no excuse to tape a carpet to a lame horse and sell it as a llama. Posting two line battle reports goes against the spirit of what this site was created for: the opportunity for people to read quality battle reports, and the opportunity for people to have the spotlight put on their own work and improve.
D) There's a subtle difference between making fun of people and satirizing the effort they put forth.
Last) I don't make fun of people except myself. Ask anyone who's ever played with me!
Cheers,
~CattleBruiser~ |
| #19 KoRnRuLz[FTL] (ppp219.bcpl.net)[7012] |
|
| This whole battler report was a joke if you haven't caught on yet, and im not a newby =) |
| #20 <font color="#FF0000">Twip</font><font color="#333333"> (port-1-35-56k.gallipoli[7014] |
|
| </font><font color="#FF0000" size="2">In the kindest way possible for me to say it, your joke was, um...stupid. I'm a bit tired of reading reports like these because 1 out of every 10 thinks posting a duplicate of this is "clever" and will somehow be "funny", even if EVERY OTHER 1 out of 10 has and will still post one of these. This is trash, come on. :o\</font> |
| #21 YourRoleModel (25.np1.np.dialup.nauticom.net)[7015] |
|
| Everyone knows that KoRn ain't no stinkin' newbie... but one line, fake being newbie joke posts were old when I did them last year on Blizzards old forums. |
| #22 Korasoff[265] (ppp11550.qc.bellglobal.com)[7022] |
|
| ROFL! CB, you have to write more of these hilarious comments... and I want to hear more about Radar Johnson up in his penthouse! ;) |
| #23 Necrosausage! (N201P004.dipool.highway.telekom.at)[7093] |
|
10 for CB, castrated Bengalaas for the report. (Whereis Slicer with his pix? Im sure he can create new one for this :)
I LMAO for about 10 minutes about CB =D... |
| #24 FOS`Entaro`FOS (nova.singnet.com.sg)[7152] |
|
| K, newbie. You want to get winnings? Try 4v4 on whatever Hunters you see. And let your allies win it for you. And... what map is this? |
| #25 T.T.Boy (ncache1.ford.com)[7180] |
|
| Cattlebruiser I would give your report an 8. I like literary skilz and you've got em. To me the battles are somewhat secondary. |
| #26 mylife4hire (corp214.playboy.com)[7189] |
|
4on4?? no try 7on1comp, those are more fun!
ps make sure the game says something like
$$$$muchomoney$$$$-by wu-tang-clan! |
| #27 Rast (208.13.208.254)[7307] |
|
| I think you should get rid of the report and put Cattlebruiser's comment in its place. |
| #28 SuperGeneral (cr732571-a.pr1.on.wave.home.com)[7876] |
|
| Ugh, don't you hate when a comment saves a crappy report? Make a comment hall of fame! move the comment there and comence flushing of this crap! |
| #29 Casanova (mkc-164-015.kc.rr.com)[7941] |
|
| that would be neat, see a comment hall of fame, very funny cb |
| #30 Casanova (mkc-164-015.kc.rr.com)[7942] |
|
| that would be neat, see a comment hall of fame, very funny cb |
| #31 LethaL (gr-ppp135.triton.net)[9902] |
|
it was probably a real game =[
KoRnRuLz[FTL} sux =[ |
| #32 killa_ling[119715] |
| adsl-63-204-134-109.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net |
| Was that report a pathetic excuse for some #@$%!, a cry for help, or a terrible joke?? I just wasted 3 seconds reading it and 6 writing this review. I'll never be able to make up for all that lost time. Whoops, theres another 3 seconds. |
| #33 sum guy[148575] |
| px4so.cg.shawcable.net |
| (> -.-)>-~ |
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