"Warning: There are two types of people reading this report. The first kind is already off staring blankly at my pretty pictures. The second are the ones reading this warning because none of the pictures are loading. The reason for this is one of the following: Bill Gates is the devil; Netscape Navigator was programmed by a bunch of monkeys; a butterfly flapped its wings in Hong Kong (or one of its near by suburbs); you are actually trying to download this through a phone line (be serious people); or Bill Gates is the devil."
-WilliamWC3
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| The training of Major Probe, a CB parody | | | Author: | | | IP: | user-2ivXXXX | | Date: | 07/17/00 01:07 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | Problem: Broken Images(1), Funny(1) | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for The.Confessor: 8.0426 |   | 
With a shudder, the door to Major Probe’s room opened and General Mark4 steamed in, yelling, "MAJOR, have you finished looking over the background reports for your next scenario?!" Probe leaped up from under his covers, teletubby in tow and glanced at the unopened files on his desk.
"Ummm, well.. I uhhh… haven’t quite gotten around to it, I’ve been busy and-" Probe was cut off as Mark drew his fist back and began to swing it forward. Probe grimaced and turned away, not especially looking forward to another surgery on his face. Instead Mark grabbed the teletubby and viciously threw it against the nearest wall with such force its head fell off with a sickening thud on the floor.
"Report to the training room in 3 minutes, and get that file read, you’ve been enough of a pain for one day Major." General Mark4 warned, sneered, and left. Probe ran over to his purple friend and crouched down. "People can be so, so cruel…" Probe said, as tears formed in his eyes.
2 minutes later…
Major Probe hurried down the hall to the training room, glancing at the folders of information he had been given along the way. Most of the information was rudimentary, date of battle, races involved, circumstances of terrain, the usual. In the last folder however, he came across an unexpected surprise, profiles of the two commanders whose battle he would be observing and commenting on. Major Probe stopped for a moment and gave the descriptions a quick glance…
Probe only wondered what Sp|ne was doing in the background to T_mac’s picture for a second before he had arrived at the training room. He took in a deep breath and walked in to the sight of scattered men around a large view screen. Various technicians and analysts were crowded around computers working on refining the latest in combat techniques, as Major Probe took a moment to take in his surroundings.
"Ahh, Major, welcome we have been expecting you." Probe turned to the senior officers who would be his instructors for this mission. There was general Mark of course, anti toss tactician, knowing more about the best protoss strategies than ever though possible. Beside him was none other than General Heartcutter, Supreme Commander of all human forces in the sector. Farther back was Admiral Prozerran, who operated the covert ops and guerilla warfare divisions. The Major was honored to be in such esteemed company and paid rapt attention to his supervisors.
"As you know Major, this is the final test in a series of advanced warfare training. While before you were always asked to represent a certain side in a quest for victory, this time you will be commenting on a battle which took place nearly a week ago. We will act as your graders, deciding how well you interpret the battle and the various tactics the commanders used. General Heartcutter…"
The view screen came online and a map in the unkown region came up, one the terran confederation had been fighting over weeks. "As you can see, this is the area designated as the Lost Temple." Heartcutter began as he clicked to the next scene.
"I know that you have of course read through the debriefing data, so why dont you give me your thoughts on this matchup."
"Well," began Probe, "the terran commander T_Mac is a very sound tactician, and is very well versed in using terrain to his advantage. With him landing in the 9:00 area of the temple, I can guess he will use his excellent choke advantage to his benifit, especially since he is dealing with a very capable protoss force."
All three generals nodded their head in agreement and urged him to continue. "As for the protoss leader ~Ash~, there was only basic information available on him. However, past battles show that he is very sound in his tactics and unit management, though his production capabilities are not up to par. I guess we will see how that plays out in the battle."
"Excellent Major, now lets observe the first few moments after touchdown, shall we?" commented Mark as the viewscreen flickered.
T_Mac starts as terran in the 9:00 position and begins with a standard dual depot and barracks build, focusing on marine production for the moment. ~Ash~ opens at the 3:00 start as protoss, with an anti-terran build of gate, cyber core than additional gate with the emphasis on early tech. After both players have had a chance to build up, ~Ash~ sends out a small squad of a goon and 2 zealots to T_Mac’s main… |
"Interesting," commented Probe. "~Ash~’s squad is not signifigant enough to do any damage, though could provide him with some valuable reconnaissance information. Meanwhile T_Mac has stuck largely with a marine centered force, though he will certainly have to adjust quickly once the fearsome Protoss tech comes into play."
General Mark nodded his head in agreement, "your correct Major, the large marine force at the entrance to Commander T_Mac’s base were more than enough to drive off the protoss force. However, ~Ash~ has made the correct choice in starting up his tech tree, adding a citadel of adun. For the moment, T_Mac seems content with building an academy and holding off production of any mech units."
 While ~Ash~ begins production of a templar archives, T_Mac moves out his med/marine force. He tests the ramp of the protoss base but finds the high ground advantage is too much for his forces to do any effective damage and pulls them back. Immediately afterward both players expand to their naturals. T_Mac sets up a heavy dual bunker and turret defense while the protoss force focuses mainly on dragoons. Both players decide on holding off any further tech plans in favor of establishing a strong economy for later in the game… |
"Your thoughts on these players moves?" asked Admiral Prozerran. Probe though hard for a second before beginning slowly, "while the Protoss expansion is to be expected, T_Mac is making a battle deciding move right now. If he can hold off any attacks and stay even with ~Ash~ in the recourse war, it will greatly increase his chances of taking the battle to his enemy rather than being on the defensive."  "Indeed, however ~Ash~ realizes the significance of letting a terran commander get hold of an early expansion as well. He is already moving out a sizable force to deal with it." said Mark4.
"Yes, however his force being mainly composed of dragoons do not stand a good chance against those bunkers, especially with T_Mac using his spare SCVs to repair them. Looks like after sustaining heavy losses ~Ash~ has decided to concede the expansion and pull back," commented Probe as the battle scene shifted.
After pulling his forces back to T_Mac’s natural, ~Ash~ looks to keep the terran force contained while at the same time expanding to the 12:00 start and adding a robotics facility. T_Mac opts for tech at the moment, adding a factory and dual starports afterwards. Rather than trying to break out of containment in what would be a very costly head on attack, T_Mac loads up 2 tanks in a drop ship and pays ~Ash~’s natural a vistit. |
"An interesting counter to the protoss containment force. Until a shuttle is made, those 2 tanks use their high ground advantage to effectively shut down ~Ash~’s natural expansion," observed the Major.
"True, however note that with his 12:00 expansion already online, ~Ash~ has simply moved his peons to that expansion. While he loses only a couple seconds of mining time, the real advantage for T_Mac is he has gained the psychological advantage of launching an attack which ~Ash~ has no control over. Always keep in mind the value of a victory does not come from how much ground you gained or men you killed, but in the state of mind of your opponent," warned Commander Heartcutter.
 ~Ash~ does not hesitate in replacing the loss of his natural by expanding to the 12:00 natural. Not to be outdone, T_Mac already has 2 dropships in transit to the 12 main. A force of marines and medics are deployed with the aid of a science vessel for cloak detection. After destroying most of the probes, the marines go to work on the Nexus. In the nick of time, dragoons and zealots with the aid of storm destroy the threat before the nexus is lost. |
"A nice idea, T_Mac just didn’t have the necessary forces to complete the job, even with the aid of defense matrix. However, T_Mac needs to do something soon, so far his attacks have been annoying and cost effective, but have not done any significant damage. ~Ash~ is being allowed too much time to take control of the recourse nodes in the area." Probe pointed out.
General Heartcutter agreed, saying "and a plan T_Mac has, notice he is not giving ~Ash~ any a moment to capitalize on his current economic advantage and already has-" "OHH GENERAL HERTCUTTER!!" screamed an extremely nasal and high pitched voice. Heartcutter cringed before turning around and facing a young cadet with the infamous {88}Hawk emblem on his shoulder.
"Yes Luitenant Hawk, what is it?" questioned the general. "Well sir, I was wondering if I could train the major, I have been listening to your comments so far and I am sorry to say that I am truly smarter than you are, and I only practice being smart an hour a day! If you don’t let me command I will be forced to move to a sector with better competition, because I have winning records against everyone in the training room and gee golly, except for you Heart, everyone is just inept compared to me and my skills. But we are still friends, cause your good so I have to kiss ass and let everyone know I know you, right?" Hawk spat out and stared smiling at the General. Heartcutter stared thoughtfully at the young officer for two full seconds, and then promptly smashed his nearby 40 oz. Bottle of malt liquor over Hawk’s head, dropping him to the floor like a sack of concrete.
 Amidst rowdy cheering the general nodded his head in approval and continued, "as I was saying, his drop is already in transit back to the northern expansion, hopeful of finishing what he started." Probe stared at the screen as events unfolded and muttered thoughtfully. "Bad luck for T_Mac, his drop was caught in transit by a roving band of dragoons. With his marines coming out one at a time, he does not have a chance of causing any damage, tragic waste of troops."
Admiral Prozerran spoke up, "True, but more importantly, notice how the Protoss commander was quick to take precautions against any future drop. Those dragoons were not in the area by accident Major, he learned from his past mistake and saved himself from future ones in the process."
While both commanders take a step back to survey the situation, T_Mac begins the production of a decent sized wraith fleet while researching cloak. After gathering up his forces, he heads his wraiths to ~Ash~s main peon line and finds no detection of any kind exists. After plucking away at the probes, he then heads over to the 12:00 natural, and after destroying a nearby cannon succeeds in again destroying all the probes before their energy runs out and dragoons chase off the air borne threat. |
Probe leaned forward as he remarked, "Excellent move by T_Mac, once again not letting the protoss expansions go to any use. ~Ash~ is left with expansions but nothing mining them."
"Also note the sudden switch in strategies by Commander T_Mac, up until then ~Ash~ had no need for observers, allowing the terran commander to catch his main and expansion practically defensless," Heartcutter spoke up.
 Following the wraith hit and runs, ~Ash~ begins strong templar production. T_mac decides to once again go on the offensive and brings a marine/tank force to the protoss main. T_mac begins to successfully push up ~Ash~’s ramp until reinforcements from the 12:00 expansion arrive and sandwich the terran force, eventually overwhelming them. A short while after, T_mac once again drops the 12 expansion, and this time is successful in destroying the nexus.
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"Be it by intent or luck, ~Ash~ sandwiching the terran offensive saved him from what could have been a heavy loss. As it is he walked away from that battle quite clean…" noted Major Probe.
"And what of the follow up drop on the 12 expansion again Major?" asked General Heartcutter.
 "Well, now that T_Mac has added his own expansion at the 6 main, the effects of the lost expansion are even greater. ~Ash~ has a force out to deal with it but those goons probably wont do to well against the tank defense."
 "Normally you would be right," said General Mark. "But ~Ash~ has taken advantage of the tanks being in siege mode and stuck his goons right next to the tanks. The tanks, unable to fire, are easily taken care of. It looks like T_Macs expansions was short lived.
Meanwhile ~Ash~ tests the terran main with a large dragoon force, while at the same time T_mac has another marine and tank squad moving to the northern protoss expansions. The two collide in the middle, where superior macroing allows T_mac to simply overwhelm the dragoons with the last of his tanks unseige. |
Heartcutter took out a laser pointer and started highlighting aspects of the battle for the Major. "What you observed earlier about ~Ash~’s production flaws seems to be coming into play. He has been out recoursing his terran opponent for most of the game but T_Mac seems to be having the larger armies. Notice what this allows his to do…
"Despite that victory, it does not seem the remaining tanks were able to do much damage at 12, ~Ash~ used storm to his advantage very well. Now that there are a large number of templars defending the protoss mains it will be significantly harder for T_Mac to break into them. He is going to need a very large and powerful force that are capable of absorbing a lot of punishment. Like tanks, or maybe nukes, or, or…" stuttered Probe.
"Battlecruisers." Muttered General Heartcutter. Surprised Major Probe turned to the view screen and was amazed to see…
 A huge fleet of the flying behemoths appear at the 12 main and begin to tear into it. After taking care of that expansion, they head over to the 12 natural, and begin to attack it. However, repeated storming and reinforcing dragoons eventually damage the BCs enough that T_mac feels it necessary to retreat them to his main.
 With the loss of his 12 expansion, ~Ash~ is beginning to scramble for any recourses he can get. However, no sooner has he started a nexus at the 6 natural when in a classic faction T_mac attacks the 6 main while a CC hovers above waiting to land the second the nexus is destroyed. With the bulk of his forces dealing with the Battle Cruiser threat, ~Ash~ can do little to counter this attack. |
"~Ash~ is in real trouble now. T_Mac is steadily going more and more on the defensive. He needs to do something major to swing the battle back into a more neutral phase, rather than the defensive one he has been on for the past while," noted Probe.
 Mark4 spoke up, "It seems ~Ash~ may have found the equalizer in T_Macs own overconfidence. Those recharged BCs are attacking the northern part of the protoss main but have been left unattended. Those battle cruisers are being absolutely raped by storm and trapped into the upper right corner by dragoons and templars. With storm taking care of the repairing SCVs, those BCs aren’t going to be around much longer.
Indeed, the battle cruisers eventually fall thanks to a continuous helping storm and dragoon fire. While both players set up their respective bases at the 6 main and natural, the focus of the battle begins to turn towards the center. After a number of small skirmishes, an all out assault is launched by both players. |
"Who would you say come out of that battle ahead?" questioned Admiral Prozerran.
 "Well, T_Mac certainly lost more troops, but neither play controls any significant portion of the center. All in all I would say the outcome was a stalemate. The real significant event was T_Mac attacking the 6:00 natural. If he takes it, it probably spells doom for the protoss commander…
T_mac’s assault on the 6 natural is met with literally no resistance. ~Ash~ is forced to relocate the probes from the 6 expansion back to his main. Unfortunately the probes are intercepted in route by a band of marines and destroyed. With no income left, ~Ash~ can only watch as the last of the terran army climbs into his main. ~Ash~ offers his congratulations and surrenders.
 |
"Observe the final battle statistics. Anything that strikes you Major?" asked General Heartcutter. Probe glanced at the readout for a moment…
"Well, the final unit tally show that they were actually very close. This leads me to believe that the real battle swinger was how the two commanders used their troops. ~Ash~ was right in trying to gain a quick economic advantage, T_Mac was just hitting from so many angles the protoss could really never launch an offensive." The 3 supervisors nodded.
"Very good work Major Probe, you have scuessfully completed the last part of your training, you are free to go. However, I hope you walk away from this with the most important lesson of this whole experience still in your mind." Said Mark4.
"You mean the fact Hawk is a homo?" asked Probe. The three men nodded and smiled, watching as Probe exited the room back to the barracks and his beloved stuffed animals.
THE END
This has been…
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