teck.lika.hore and Another Cheap Production present...

Depressing Newbie Game of the
Day!!!

Brought to you by Vidal Bassoon, "If you don't look good, then you're just ugly."

The idea for this kind of game came about from a long boring night in nohunters with nothing to do. No good games were going on anymore, due to the accursed Diablo 2 infestation. livingexception, who was in the channel with me, told me his idea to watch some pubbies squirm by observing two of them go at it (eww not that).

He created a 1 on 1 Temple with UMS for observing, and we waited. And waited. I think one person joined and left. We try again. Same result. He put forth the idea that we should title it BGH but make it temple. But from my vast knowledge of how Starcraft players and adolescent males really work, I deduced that our best option was to make "1 on 1 Nude Medic GIF".
And of course two people join. We tell them that we’ve made it so that the winner of their 1v1 would get to see a nude medic animation. God knows how to do that in Staredit. At least I think he does. Either way, they were supernewb so they took the bait.

We went on to watch the funniest game ever witnessed. It bordered on being painful, yet managed to stay well within the bounds of being hilarious. And so was contrived a tradition called the:

TURBO NEWBIE GAME OF THE WEEK

Last night was pretty slow in nohunters at 12am (dunno why), so we attempted to get the first Turbo Newbie Game of the Week (TNGotW). My friend wanted to see the magic of the TNGotW, so livingexception and I made several attempts, most ending in quick finishes and players leaving upon noticing the absolute gayness of actually having to play a REAL game. We didn’t get any good contenders, but the heinous battle I am about to conjure forth certainly counts as a Depressing Newbie Game of the Day, so away we go...

IT BEGINS
The battle had commenced at dawn, and both players knew they were in a fight for their lives. And there was the promise of Nude Medics for the victor, of course...

The jabronis...er...I mean the players, picked their ghoulish races on the beautiful lakeside property of Challenger. Squall got to be on top (he likes it like that), leaving slick with no choice but to assume the missionary position on bottom. Little did either competitor know that things would take a turn for the doggy style...

Once they figured out that they’re supposed to play like its a real game, both players began the important task of picking up the blue thingies with the tiny thingies to get killing thingies. The extra incentive of a Nude Medic animation for the winner lit a fire under their asses (well, they were doing something with their asses instead of mining and building more peons).

THE QUEST FOR MAP CONTROL AND ECONOMIC SUPERIORITY
Well actually it was the quest to choke themselves in...hey, autoerotic asphyxiation does have a place in Starcraft...

slick began production of a rax when he realized that his 6 SCVs, who were undoubtably a terrifying fighting force, would be insufficient for the upcoming strife. He also decided to wall himself in like a drunken boy scout at a monastery (don’t ask, the memories are...too painful).

At about this time, Squall began his build order of pylon, forge, gateway, and a pylon at his choke. slick had begun his second rax and refinery and was completing his choke defense by placing bunkers behind the deadly supply depots. Squall must have taken that as a signal to unleash his mad skillz by beginning his own choke defense of 1 cannon.

Once he discovered that his cannon won’t run over and attack the enemy no matter how many times he pressed ‘m’, he began production of an extractor, 3 more gates, and while continuing his cannon fleet took time to build the wasteful cyb core, citidal of adun, and templar archives.

SWISS BEWARE: THE WALL-IN CONTINUES
Hiding behind your scrumptious chocolates and plentiful snow will only get you so far in life, you bastards...

Roughly 8-10 minutes into this conflict, Squall was in the process of composing a defense popularized by players like Zileas and Agent-911 -- the dreaded Cannon Square of Aiur . slick had not been idle over this time, however, using the massive amount of resources gathered by his 8 or 9 SCVs to build...1 factory.
No doubt he hoped to get flying tanks to jump over his choke blockade and assault his formidable opponent.

His plan was all for naught as Squall has pumped a vast amount of 4 dark templar from his gateways (still powered by 1 pylon - that pylon had some mad blue aura), and had sent them to investigate and administer a sound beatdown to the terran threat below (too painful to look at).

THE FALL OF slick238
If I ever find out who put the three-toed sloth in my tapioca...

I believe slick noticed his failure to get detection and I awaited the beginning of the usual pubbie routine of bending over and lubing up. However, the tide of the battle appeared to be shifting to slick's favor as 3 of his SCV's began production of a Maginot Line of supply depots and a CC to prevent cannons from running out and killing his remaining buildings. The results were fairly predictable.

In order to prolong the sensations of pain he was experiencing, slick lifts his buildings, prompting Squall to create 2 stargates and another pylon. He began researching shields for his air fighters, for, as we all know, floating CCs and raxes do immense damage to any protoss air force (c'mon blizzard fix this in a new patch).
slick floated his CC to the bottom left island, his rax to the middle right (to just mope around in the corner by the punch bowl until a nice corsair asked it to dance), and began construction of a CC in the top right, just inches from Squall’s base (I measured).

In short order, Squall had decimated the floating buildings and sent...some bizarre protoss air unit i’ve never seen before... No wait, reports are coming through. I think its called a... ‘Scout.’ Hmmm. Interesting. I better write this down, I think its a new unit or a hack or something.
Anyway, this so-called ‘scout’ did its job (and whooped-ass doing it) all over the bottom-left CC. slick, using his last remnants of strategy, lifted the CC, cuz scouts have really wussy anti-air. And with that, the game was over.

STATISTICS AND OTHER NONSENSE
I'm serious, that sloth thing was soooo not cool, guys...

Winner and still ‘Depressing Newbie Game of the Week’ champion - [FFK]-Squall!

Lessons Learned:
1) This was immensely funny
2) These guys were immensely horrible
3) I should immensely watch these more often
4) Mixing clorox bleach with swim trunks is a good way to burn your crotch...immensely

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it. This was brought to you by the king of the nose-flute, teck.lika.hore