WAIT for PICS.  Plz don't look at my Report without its' contents.  It feels all naked that way. Thank you.

OK OK OK!  Now I know all of us truthfully love the channel "SEX".  I mean what else is there to do besides go into a channel.....and uhhh sex..hum...well lets just start the BR:

A LOOK INSIDE CHANNEL SEX

It all started one day when, um well I felt like doing a BR.  Of course we all love to read somethign interesting, so what better place to find a game then channel SEX.  While most of us probably never thought about it, I for one, am really interestred in the skill that these gosu cybersexing freaks have a Brood War.

So I did the reasonable thing:  I simply asked them.  And of course if someone in a room says "HEY WHO HERE ROCKS AT BW", oh just about everyone is going to jump up and say MEME just to prove themselves somehow, right??

Shit.  Noone seems too interested.  So I took a different approach.  Seeing just how well these cybering-sexy ppl are at there job.

Shit.  These guys are like fucking morons.  What the hell.  ASDF.  Well anyways after those failed attempts, it finally hit me.  What makes a cyberfreak jump out of there seat and DEFINETLY respond to?  Thats right.  A whisper.  muahhahahahaaa.   I wanted to find the right victim, err opponent, one that seemed to be the king of channel SEX.  And then then I saw something that led me to this one person like stink on a ferret's ass.

Oh yes.   This is definetly the GOD of channel SEX.  Without hesitation, I hurriedly double clicked on this....GOD'S profile, dying to see what he had in store.   Now at first glance, I realized this profile truly had all the signs of a GOD.   Only a GOD could put something as clever as "yes plz" under his Sex.   The age of XXX was a nice touch as well.  But his description was the icing on the cake.  This guy was one sexy awesome tuna can fished shaped dicked GOD.  I then glanced over at his record to maybe get a taste of his playing ability.  To my suprise, he had a record that....didn't spell SKILL, but in a way, reeked of .......experience.  Yes even with that many losses, he had to have SOME experince.  Yet again, he might be one of those, "i have alot of losses but that just makes you think i suck" records.  I would just have to find out.  So then I asked him for a game.

Suprisingly, Batch was ready and willing to take me on.  So the game got underway...

Map: Rivalry (YAY!)

(this is not the map from the actual game)

Players:

---Scarab---(me): Randomed Terran Bottom Right

Batch:  At this point, all I know is that he went random, but for those of you who like to keep track, he ends up with Toss at Top Right.

This game had to be special.   I wanted to impress the SEX GOD with everything I had.  So right from the start, I was going straight for mass shiny, hard, jacked up WRAITHS.

But to be safe, I needed a solid defense.  A basic Depot, Rax wallin at my choke.  Got the depot at 8, and the Rax at 10.  At this point, no scouting of any kind, we were both in the dark.   Hopefully, my mighty wraiths would be able to catch him off guard.  And, aw hell I could afford it, so I went right into getting an Academy; scan, stim, and the basis for teching.  Not nessecarily the teching I was going for, seeing as I was looking to whip up some mighty wraiths, but definetly needed for any Terran player.  I know, duh right?

I immediatley made my comsat, and then immediately went for a scan.  Eenie meenie miney moe........TOP RIGHT.   With a pretty sparkle of light that I never wanted to go away, I caught my first glimpse of his Protoss base.  His build consisted of: 2 gateways, a Forge, a CyberneticsCore, and a Citadel of Adun.  As well as some very pretty pylons.   This seemed like a decent toss build, hoping to outproduce me with stronger units in the longrun, no doubt.  That, or he was going to be gay and make quick DTs.   Which wouldnt be too bright, seeing as he had not scouted me yet, as far as I noticed.

Continuing with my build, I threw down a factory, so I could get a starport as quick as possible.  I also put a machine shop on the bad boy, so I could get Seige Tanks for extra defense, damn that pesky cliff.  With every spare 50 minerals, I trained a marine, gradually increasing the defense at my choke.  When my Factory had completed, I immediately used the same SCV to construct my first Starport.  Oh boy, I was getting excited now, I could hardly wait to get those babies pumping.  So, with that, I grabbed another SCV to make  yet another Starport.  Oh god I can't help it, ANOTHER STARPORT. OH YES!  Now I have a total of 3 Starports.  One of them with a Control Tower to upgrade that useless cloaking bullshit.  With little gas (200) and a decent amount of minerals, I made my first 2 Wraiths.  This was getting good.  But damn, I was going to need more gas quick, if I wanted to make more wraiths, as well as upgrades for them.  What do to...?

I then noticed I had about 100 energy in my Comsat, and I was dying to know what my Tuna-fetished freind was up to.   Still with the fear of DTs, I figured I could afford one scan.  So I clicked that baby right on his base.  To my suprise, and releif, I noticed he had just warped in a Templar Archives.  This gave me time to prepare.  I quickly ordered my SCV slap bitch to get to work on a Science Facility.  Of course now I was gonna have Sci Vessels to beat down his gay cowardly DTs.  ARGH!  Now I need MORE damn gas!   At this point I have about 3 Wraiths, and im working on the cloak upgrade.  Is there any way to get more gas????

Ok, fuck the sarcasm now.   I need to expand.  I then sent my mighty slap bitch SCV to go out and find a reasonable place to get gas.  He found a nice place, right in the bottom middle of the map.  The mins and gas were seperated a nice distance.  But gas was important.  So he built the CC as close to the gas as that bald headed robotic bitch would allow.  Now, I hadn't noticed when he passed it, but I saw on the minimap a small teal dot.  *gasp* TEAL, so I swiftly ran my cursor over it, to discover......................a Pylon.  A Pylon placed somewhat next to my natural expansion.  At this point, I had about 9 or 10 rines.  And had also saved that hard earned gas for my first Science Vessel.  The EMP upgrade would have to wait...it's just not in the budget, sorry kids.  Anyway, I took the Sci Vessel to scout the 'hidden' pylon and when it arrived, it discovered....a Robotics Facillity and an Observatory....what?  What the fuck.  Well without thinking, and seeing no defense, I sent those horny marines, stimmed and all right into the intrusion, taking it down easily, no defense.  That should cost him.  Oh hell time for a Wraith update!  I had produced about 8 Wraiths, cloaking researched.  They were dying to kick some ass, but they had to wait for more shiny metallic hardbodies to accompany them.

WOOHOO! MINIMAP UPDATE!

Alrighty, as you can see, I have taken the expanion in the bottom middle, and am quickly harvesting as much gas as I can.  Also, as you may see, I have placed a second Command Center, closer to the minerals at that expansion, hoping to get more and MORE minerals.  As you can see, his base it pretty compact.  I should probably scan his natural, well actually I did later, but you'll have to take my word for it.  That small green dot taking off to the left is a lone Wraith, sent on a scout mission to find any epxansions, as well as get a better veiw of the entire map.  And that's all folks!

Ok, as was stated in the update, I needed to scan his base more.  See what he was up to.  He hadn't attacked at all yet, and neither had I.  Of course, I was cooking it up for a suprise.  So maybe HE had a suprise for me..  I clicked on that tempting scan button and fired away, only to find:

............... ................ ..................OK, I find a small blue ball of energy, clicked on it and found this.  Suprise indeed.  So no wonder he hadnt attacked.  However, with the second scan, I noticed he had NOT expanded to his natural, and my scouting Wraith hadn't found any expansion either, and trust me, he looked everywhere.  Anyway, at home, things were going nicely.  With my expansion pumping, and full economy booming at my main, I had an excellent number of wraiths.  Not enough though...yet.  I also had thrown down my first Armory, for some weird reason, god knows why I did that.   All I know is that I was pumping those bad boys as fast as I can, all of them waiting eagerly for a fight.

Then, FINALLY, out of NOWHERE.   SOMETHING HAPPENED.  Now all this time, my Sci Vessel accompanied by a couple of Wraiths, had been picking off Observers left and right.  There was no way I was going to let him see my army.  But one thing my team did not notice, was 2 pesky Arbiters slipping through the back door, heading straight for my mineral line.  Obviously with recall in mind.  I hadn't noticed them until they were about right there, so my hands had to haul ass and get those Wraiths over there and save the day!  A few rockets got off, hoping to kill the Arbiters, but it was too late.  He got off his Recall, and all of the sudden, dozens of Protoss units were attempting to invade my base.  And my Wraiths alone just seemed not enough to hold off the attackers.   This did not look good.

Metal, fire, and redneck curses filled the air as the Wraiths fell one by one.  The Goons were working them good, and the Zealots started to intrude into my base.  It looked very grim.....BUT!   Finally, one out of the 50 Wraith pilots had a GENUIS idea.  My Science Vessel had detected NO observers.  Therefore, my Wraith pilots flicked the cloak switch and faded into invisibleness.....or something.  The tables had turned.  My mighty Wraith squadron was doing a number on the Protoss invaders.  Goon soup, Zealot fire, and Templar...blood...was going all over.  Not one psi storm had been cast in this brave attack.  Somehow, I feel those templars weren't  very satisfied when they gave there lives for Aiur..

With the loss of all of the SCVs at my main, and no damage to any buildlings, I felt pretty satisfied with the way it went through.  Of course, my Wraith numbers had dropped drastically, so I double-timed the building of my Wraiths.  I had only made about 3 more of them when my scouting Wraith discovered a small Protoss expansion somwhere in the middle of the map.   The lone Wraith was taken down easily  by the 2 Cannons that he happened to run into.  I wanted that expansion gone; they were going to pay for that Wraith.   I clicked the comsat once again, and found that there was a Nexus built, however, no mining was going on.  Very few probes as well..  However, there was a Stargate there, and hovering over it, were 2 of the dealiest units in Brood War.   Scouts.

Without hesitation, I quickly took 12 of my fresh Wraiths and headed straght for the small encampment, hoping to destroy it before he could get any mining done.  Avoiding the cannons as much as I could, I picked off every building that was out of cannon range.  Then, a chill ran down my spine as I saw that damn corsair, accompanied by the 2 scouts.  This was bad, until they flipped the CLOAK switch.  Yes thats right speedy.  Cloak ownage.   Those bastards went down with a big blue bastard bang.  I finished off the remaining unprotected buildings.  Then the Wraith pilots bit there lip, and held on tight to the controls as they went in to rid of the cannons.  The 2 unfortunate Wraiths went down, probably never to be thought of again....poor bastards......as the remaining aircrafts finished off the cannons and the remaining buildlings.  With his only expansion down, I felt I should get an extra jump on him, and took the bottom left main base, as you can see in the map below.

OKOK, as you can see...  I have taken the bottom left expansion.   Also, you may notice that the bastard has retaken the same expansion I destroyed.   Also a few other things:  I scanned his natural to find he had finally taken it, too.  Damn, he was a smart one.  But wait!  That damn scouting wraith notices ANOTHER expansion, he was up to something.  Also, by the scan, there were many Dragoons at his natural, and they were moving out.  I prepared as best I could for them.  Oh and yes I have scouted about the ENTIRE map with that Wraith you hack accusing bastards.

Well, it looks like he is starting to get the upper hand on money.  There was no way I could match his units in power if he was getting the same economy I was.  I also had to worry about the Goons that were moving toward my base.  The scan had revealed an Observer as well, so my cloak was useless....  I would have to depend on my choke and tanks to take care of them, with my Wraiths as a last resort.  I crossed my fingers and...

Wait!  It had just hit me somehow.  I don't know why or how.  But I got the sudden idea to counter.   Counter before he even hit me.  I had scans on all my command centers, so I quickly scanned like a madman, looking for the right place to hit him.  I gathered my 60 Wraiths and 2 Sci Vessels, and headed where I thought I should go first:  that damn expansion that he thought he could have back.  It had not been long since I destroyed it before, so it should have little defense. 

DUH DUH DUH!!!!!!!!!!!

The Wraiths took off through the sky.  The waiting was over.  With a big blob of purple wings in the air, they went right for the small Protoss base.

Hoping the defense at home was enough to handle the Goons, I went right into the base, tearing it up easily.  It consisted of , yet again, a Stargate, and a couple of cannons.  They tore through it with ease, and quickly headed for the second expansion, no not his natural, the other one.  At about this time, the Goons hit my base.  However, only about 8 of them showed up, and my tanks dealt with the confused little bastards easily.  He had obviously sent his Goons to intercept my Wraiths, and uhhh...forgot a few.  Without worry, the Wraiths relentlessely headed straight for the base.  Pausing for a moment to let the Sci Vessels do there EMP work.  The goons didn't make it.  The Wraiths tore into this expansion as well.  It was heavily guarded with cannons, however the Wraiths were able to handle it.  Maybe it had something to do with that worthless Armory and those foolish upgrades.  Whatever.

Alright, things are looking bad for Batch.  He has obviously sent the remaining Goons home, to hold it off as best he can.  But, without delay, my Wraith fleet owned, regrouped, and headed right for the Protoss main.

DUH-DUH-DUH-DUHHHHH!

Both the Protoss and the Terran grit their teeth as the forces enaged.  Using gosu control groups, and that awesome letter C.  I was able to cloak all my Wraiths at once.  Of course, he had observers, but I let most of the Wraiths do the damage themselves, and used one control group to pick off observers with the aid of the Sci Vessels.  Before long, there were no more observers to detect, leaving him with about 20 useless attacking units.  He had to depend solely on cannons now, which usually is NOT a good thing.  His natural went down fast, taking most of his goons with it, as they had troubled getting up the ramp, and to the safety of the cannons.

Sometimes, there just aren't enough cannons... my 60+ Wraiths tore through them with very few losses.  A few desperate blind psi storms cackled in the air, not killing one Wraith.  With no expansions, and his base in shambles, getting torn down by Wraiths, he conceded.

SCOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!

Well damn.  I guess it turns out this guy Batch, wasn't this king of SEX after all...however, I will forever continue my search for him, or her.  It was a sudden shock and shame to be snatched from the world of that game into the world of channel SEX.  From mass Wraith ownage to this:

Sigh...Oh well, I will have to live through this if I one day, am to find the king of channel SEX.  Well thats all for this BR, Thanks for reading, Oh and never forget:  Mass Wraiths own.  They own hard.

The..Scarab