"Private Taylor remarked 'Deon, you was one of my homies. I will mourn you until I join you.' With that, he proceeded to pour a 40oz bottle of Old English malt liquor onto the spot of the now defunct expansion."
-Heartcutter
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| Wangsonn and (~)Hoss(~): The tragic tale of two players gone gay | | | Author: | | | IP: | user-33qXXXX | | Date: | 10/13/00 09:10 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 2, Max: 8, Min: 6
Lifetime Rating for LuckyNewbie:P: 8.4737 |   |
It was a dry day in ~nohunters, and I was in a bad mood. HyKe
had battlereported a 4 person ffa that I ended up winning, but put in Illgetdroped's name instead of mine, so I was not particularly happy. I had recently downloaded another paint program to replace Lviewpro, which recently began to fiercly resist any attempt of mine to actually "use" it. It was when I returned back to my computer screen I saw the 3 Letter Acronym:
FFA!
Once it was uttered by (~)Hoss!(~), Hostile~SCV's newest name, the channel erupted like monkeys in chorus. Most of them typed in "FFA!!!" for no apparent reason other than everyone else did it, so they might look cool. Eventually the game was made, by Hostile, on a very controversial title to "certain individuals" who until now probably didn't know about it. If you find something irritating about this, I am happy to inform you I have Hostile's address, a pair of lead pipes and a shovel, and you can meet me after the report.
Moving on however, the Game was created on what was to be, the Gayest FFA Ever, but since that was already taken, a more modest title had to be given. Now lets meet the contestants!
For you smart people out there, you already know this map is on "Aftershock" for those of you who dont know the map and can't predict the start positions... I bring you:
As is the norm for any ffa with contestants who ate too much sugar coated cereal, the players started brewing pot after pot of nonsence. |MaNiAcMaRiNe| talked of how much Penn State owned all colleges, and how Canada owned the United States, despite the fact he could not locate any of these on a map. Wangsonn, who was last seen in Seoul Square attempting to give "Favors" to factory workers, started his distress as well by talking in gibberish, as is the norm with Korean Prostitutes.
All players soon get their peons busy, and resources are piled in. However, Hostile decides to be his own unique snowflake and refuses to build any scvs. The four diligent peons continue to mine, and then, abruptly, Hostile lifts off his Command Center, and charges with his SCV's to the north, hoping to find a fight.
Hoss's SCV's are not disappointed as they run into a supply depot, which is twirling happily away at Wang's Ramp. They quickly go to work, and the group of 4 silences Wang's SCV in the area. They then turn their super death cutters on the depot, but Wang, determined to save it, brings out his entire line into the battle, and in a massive fury of running, welding and wierd blowing up noises the SCV's are destoyed and the depot repaired.
Hoss lands his command center and begins to produce SCVs, because Hoss has obvious social problems when trying to get attention.
 Illgetdropped goes for a fast tech build, making a refinery before his first rax. MaNiAc hints at an early rush, and warps in two gateways. However, he seems to take the newbie way and simply make 3 Zealots and place two cannons on his choke. Testosterone has risked an early expansion, and protects it with his few zealots and cannons. Wangsonn seems to take a conservative approach and walls in and techs up to tanks. When he has a few of the suckers he feels it safe to expand. Hoss, having landed his command center on the "island" above his main (and below Wang's main), places an engineering bay down and begins construction of a turret perimeter. The players do not stop their flaming and bad comments at all through this lull in the action, and MaNiAc gives an insight just to how gay he is by flaming random people.
All is well in the game until Wangsonn expands to keep up in the game. He begins by flying a command center to the island to his left, and another to the island below him, oblivious the the fact the this might be Hoss's base, judging by the high concentration of turrets. Hoss's "new main" is overlooking Wang's natural, and when Wang floats a Command Center into it volleys of missiles are launched before the building flies back, as if the law of gravity were nothing more than a local parking violation. During this, Droped brings his dropship with two tanks from his power gas build and lands them on an island in close proximity with MaNiAc's choke, because nobody seems to like MaNiAc. Droped sieges them and lets the tanks show their arrogance. The defending zealots are confused by this turn of events, try to release their zealous rage on the tanks. Fortunatly for Dropped, zealots have yet to master the art of navigation, and the zealots are forced to settle with pacing back in forth of the choke, being bitch slapped by the tanks. MaNiAc finally grabs at the zealots and orders them, along with a single dragoon, into Droped's base. They get as far as the enemies natural when they become, as the Greeks called it, anal raped.
MaNiAc remains calm and calmly lets it all known his anguish and frustration with the failure of his zealots:
While this is going on, Testosterone has taken it upon himself to expand to the vacant main above his base, and rallies in more troops and warps more cannons to make sure it stays his. Across the field lies Wang's walled in tanks, searching for any threats.
Wangsonn, intruiged by the finding of Hoss, sends his only barracks up to investigate, just to make sure the turrets are still there. Sure enough, they are, and the building floats away burning up.
( ). It was about this time that Wangsonn gets another bright thought in his head. Why not shoot it with the tanks he has?
Wangsonn R Smart
Wangsonn( ) begins to get excited by this new turn of events, and unsieges his tanks. He sieges them right off the cliff and sends his Barracks, still on fire, to spot for him.
Hostile comes to the dramatic realization that he is, in fact screwed. However, still holding together his integrity and his name, stays his cool and hostile self and begs for mercy.
Shortly after Hoss's pleads, more action breaks out, in the form of an idiot. Thats right folks, |MaNiAcMaRiNe| has done something ridiculously stupid it makes me not want to report it. However, for reasons still unknown, perhaps that I like the way the picture looks, I am. MaNiAc has now teched to dark templar and charges all two of them into Testosterone's expansion, and are promply blasted into red health by the two cannons. The wounded templar limp back in a way only templars can, to |MaNiAc|'s fully functional expansion, which brought up great worries of how i forgot to mention it a few paragraphs back.
 However, this fact does not have time to sink in before Hoss, in an extreme burst of erratic behavior, lifts off his two barracks and floats them on their way to Wang's base, before the Law of Gravity turns back to demand what in the hell they think they're doing.
Things are happening fast now. Remember Illgetdroped? You know, cliff tanker, goon molestor, and general owner of |MaNiAcMaRiNe|? Well, his high metal build allows him to tech to wraiths fast, and he soon has a wing of them.
He is on his way to go and own Wang's turretless main, but flies over Hoss's base, discovering that it even existed just a few seconds ago. None of the wraiths make it past the Hostile base.
Hoss's Barracks, flying close together to Wang's base, looked rather unordinary. In the words of Douglas Adams:
"[It looked] peculiar like two ducks, one of which is trying to make a third duck inside the second duck, while the second duck is trying very hard to explain that it doesn't feel ready for a third duck right now, is uncertain that it would want any putative third duck to be made by this particular first duck, and cetainly not while it, the second duck, was busy flying."
All through this, Testosterone continues building, Illgetdroped keeps on teching, and |MaNiAcMaRiNe| keeps up his "depressingly cool" attitude. Hoss's barracks have landed in Wangs base, and me, unaware that they are allied, take 142718497012 screenshots of it, thinking it to be the most humiliating thing in Wangsonn's career "Wang? He died to a 3 rax float rush that landed on his Mineral line! Dont play him!"
A great shock comes in the game twenty minutes later, when Erad|cate (an observer that is afk for half the time, the bum was supposed to help me report!) and MaNiAc make some shocking discoveries:
 There is yet another lull in the action. With free for alls, everyone seems to attack at once and then go into hibernation. Testosterone has been a whore this entire game, and it is beginging to have its benefits. With two mains and two naturals under his fold, he can pull out dragoons like no other. Hoss has landed a rediculous amount of barracks in Wang's base, but forgot to make those pesky supply depots. Wang has expanded to Hoss's original starting position, guarding with the wraiths he seems to be whoring more than Testosterone's goons.
 Whoops, time to change screen shots! When i get back I find Illgetdroped's evil plan to make a factory on the cliff his tanks held die to two dragoons. Not only that, but the dragoons did not belong to MaNiAc but Testosterone. MaNiAc lets his relief of his savior's arrival known by continuing to flame him.
 Moving back to the whores, Hoss now has about 2 control groups of marines in Ming Li's Wangsonn's base. Trying to find a source of this irrational behavior, one begins to muse "Hoss floats his command center, allies with wang and backstabs... lol"
Now, for those of you that haven't ventured "out in these parts", I bring you the mini map update:
 As you can see, Testosterone is competing with Wangsonn to be the biggest whore in the universe. Testosterone has two mains, two naturals, and is taking over Droped's former "sieging point" to make it into an expansion. He also has 1/0/1 upgrades, and has three forges researching the next level of buffness. Droped's factory is down to 6 hpt from the two offending dragoons, and as its burning down, Droped drops two tanks (to be quickly spanked off by wraiths) in the expansion Wangsonn got going.
 Hoss sends out a Marine to scout and it runs into a godly number of dragoons. The Marine boldly engages the walking spiders, when Wangsonn's tanks open fire and add support. One goon and one marine die before the fire is over. Testosterone lets his new discovery be known.
 Reassured, Testosterone expands to the "tank cliff" Illgetdroped was so recently living in. As he places down the nexus and first photon cannons, MaNiAc intrudes with two zealots and two dark templar (the same ones that were hurt in the raid on the natural). Against four dragoons with detection
they are quickly put to rest. However, more and more waves are landed, and despite some godly Probe/Goon micro, MaNiAc razes (not raises, razes you fool!) the expansion.
 Testosterone is clearly not happy with the loss of his "to-be" expansion, and the map begins to show a large troop movement from both of Test's mains. This is clearly not a time you want to be a MaRiNe that happens to be a MaNiAc from time to time. Testosterone is poised to invade MaNiAc's natural with thousands of goons with more on the way. And as for the defence... the best that could be said is that they are in the double digits, and could wax a few zerglings or two...
Oh My God! They Killed Maniac!
Storms break through the sky as the dragoons march in tight formation. Storm after storm after storm is launched, but we all know just how much storm owns goons. The storms bring any dragoons in the lightning down to one fourth their health, and a few groups die to the spell. However, the dragoons come in such numbers, and without any regular troops to wax the remaining dragoons, MaNiAc is overwhelmed in a tide of blue fury.
For the next three minutes dragoons release their fury, strut their stuff, rearrange the place, and generally wreck MaNiAc's crib. Luckily for him, he has the island he took from Testosterone and begins rebuilding, despite his comments of "im out" and "share vision guys". Testosterone's army has triumphed, but is at one third it's size. MaNiAc's templars have taken their toll on the macro king.
Testosterone is clearly in the lead. With two mains cranking out troops, all he needs to do is macro his army back in another few seconds. Given the proper time, he will soon win. Unbeknowest to all the players, some great "omincient being" telepathically alerted all of their keen sences to this, and soon begins what is probably the most homosexual act in the history of mankind.
Triple Team!!!
 Once again, our attention is diverted to the games prostitutes, Ming Li (Oops again) Wang and Hoss. Hoss now has a rediculous amount of medarines, and Wang an absurd amount of wraiths.
 Wang leads the way and bursts his wraiths into Testosterone's natural. With a mighty 11 damage, the wraiths begin to slowly kill the natural. Packing 2 cannon, an observer and half a dozen wraiths to fend off the pesky critters, Testosterone would give an arm, a leg, three of his wisdom teath, his appendix, kidney, left eye, 7th rib, right ear, car and his bw cd to get a few templar with that nifty storm. The little lasers begin to actually kill things, which came as a shock to me and my afk observing partner. The nexus begins to fall. Then the pylons. The assimilator. oh the humanity! not the forges!! A few observers get in his way, but they are no match for the ultimate power of gayness. They are quickly comsated and shot down within seconds, and with the bulk of his army still in MaNiAc's base, Testosterone is simply owned.
 Okay, no problem for Testosterone, right? All he has to do is bring up his dragoons in the bottom and spank the wraiths for their intrusion, right? WRONG. You see ladies and gentlemen, this is where Illgetdroped, who has been hiding in the corner for nearly all of the game decides to come out of hibernation, and upon not being frightened by his shadow, goes on to kick some ass. Battlecruisers, Tanks, Goliaths, Wraiths, Vessels, Vultures and even a few marines are all thrown together into "Droped's Party Mix!™", and all the dragoons are blown up into little blobs of blue.
 Okay, so now things are looking pretty slim for our favorite hero. So his base is getting ripped down by wraiths. So his forces and attempted expansion in MaNiAc's natural were killed like sheep in the slaughterhouse. Okay, remember, he has two bases. He can go with one, right? Once again, WRONG!
You have to remember that this was a triple team. Wang attacked, Droped attacked, but what about Hoss? oh yes... Hoss =)
Hoss has been massing those medarines for some time now, and launches them at Testosterone's twelve o'clock main. The first lines are mowed down, but soon they break through and Testosterone makes a silent exit.
Okay, its all up to Droped now. In Droped's last hurrah, he charges his Party Mix™ right into Wang's expansion. Against 12321739127038 cloaked wraiths with little of your own air defence, his troops are killed faster than you can throw away your third class mail. The Post game chat begins:
And so, after an abusurd amount of time, the gayness is out. The winner?
Wangsonn!!
And now, just because Wang was so gay... I decided to throw this random shot in of wang giving me permission to flame him:
Lessons learned?
* Hoss is gay
* Wang is gay
* Maniac is gay
* Wang is very flamable
* Teaming up is an excellent way to win a ffa
* LuckyNewbie:P can't go easy on graphics
* South Park is by far the funniest show in the universe
* South Park Pictures are the best pictures in the universe
Always reporting, always sucking,
~LuckyNewbie:P
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