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The Jesus Chronicles

Hi! I'm TheRubberDucky! You may remember me from classic Worms: Armageddon battle reports such as Worms: How hard is yours? and Worms: The Mystery Unfolds. If you do, please forgive me. I had no idea what I was doing at the time, and I should be punished like the bad little human being that I am. While my personal trainer whips me for my past failures, I implore you to enjoy this half assed attempt at showing the newbies in the battlereports.com community how to really embarrass yourself online.

The teams are

YuleTime Killers: Staring Pavement and the EggNog Clone
Christmas Death: Staring Jesus himself

Game 1: There is no Jesus

As our bloody bath in the waters of hell and wormness begin, our dear friend and sometimes alarm clock, roof cleaner, and criminal, Santa, shows the snow (Or K'Spoosh, I can't tell..) who's boss by throwing a very explosive Bazooka at it. Unfortunately for him, the gas barrel was too close to the explosion area, and Santa, 3 Wise Men, and Rudolf, who was not pictured for legal reasons, (and bandwidth reasons, this report is more then a meg already) all received a painful assburn. Fortunately, there were no scars.

Pavement, the leader of the Blue team (My team, go me!) decides to waste no time the annhilation of Christmas Death's holy leader type worm, Jesus. Utilizing the skill and dexterity acquired from months and years of sitting on the sidewalk doing nothing while Bob_the_Newt has his dog shit on the grass next door, Pavement tossed and extremely deadly Cluster Bomb into a group of 3 Christmas Death members. As I'm sure you can guess, the shrapnel from this grenade wannabe flew in all directions. One piece of it landed directly next to the Holy Leader, Jesus, and sent him flying to his death worm-ass first into the water. The other two villianous villans survived the blast with only minor scratches and a small number above their head lowered.

Acting in vengeance, Little Drumer, the littlest drummer in the Christmas Death band, slithered over to the spot where his holy friend, Jesus had been standing just a turn ago. Blinded by rage, he pulled out his big expensive bazooka, and tried to take on Pavement all by his lonesome. He would have succeeded, but the wind was blowing strong, and the missile fell short of her target, and just pushed Pavement a few inches back.

Beck, a new recruit from double A, was rumored to be the most strategically minded worm on the YuleTime Killers she consistently showed the veterens like Pavement and K'Spoosh the proper Bazooka strategy. While she did not always have the best aim, and she was fairly stupid when it came to knowing where her teammates were, she could always be counted on to knock the opposing worm into a mine field, into the water, or into a cluster of opposing worms, great for getting those 3+ kills with one stick of dynamite. In this case, Beck decided to knock EggNog into the area that Pavement had tossed his Cluster Bomb earlier. She succeeded in destroying Eggnog's perch, unfortunately Eggnog was sharing the Perch with a YuleTime Killer, Wriggler.

It is a well known fact that 3 Wise Men, a aging member of Christmas Death, has acquired the ability to fly for one turn every day. While it isn't the same flying you get from a Jetpack, or even as Ninja Rope, it is still quite an experiance to see. Despite the fact that he has the ability to fly, 3 Wise Men still does not quite have the extremely skillful and refined tone that Jesus has. Or should I say had? Jesus is dead, you know. (Until the next game at least...then I get to kill him again!) After his amazing flying spectacle, 3 Wise Men tried to take out the veteran worm K'Spoosh with a miserable bazooka shot. Unfortunately, 3 Wise Men wasn't wise enough to aim the damn shot and the missile hit low enough on the cliff to not even let K'Spoosh notice.

Spanky, trying to capitalize on the manuever Beck made on the previous move, turned to his faithful pigeon friend, RubberDucky. (No relation) Being the faithful, and stupid, pigeon he was, RubberDucky took the stick of dynamite Spanky offered to him, and flew directly to the place Beck had launched Eggnog and Wriggler to on the last move. Unfortunately for Spanky and the rest of the YuleTime Killers, RubberDucky missed his target by a few feet, and only 2 of the 3 Christmas Death worms were killed, along with Wriggler, the heroic YuleTime Killer who sacrificed himself (Actually no one asked him, they were all eager to get rid of him because he peed on the seat) in order for the YuleTime Killers to have a chance at victory over a superior opponent.

Impressed by the ability to home into targets, Presents decided to check it out. Unfortunately, he didn't have a friendly little pigeon, so he used a heavily modified bazooka. His homing missile almost worked, but there was a snow drift in the way, and it got annhilated, instead of Jack D.

Two Bit Charlie. You may remember him. He was the star SCV in a previous Starcraft Battlereport by me. Go look it up. Whoever posts the link in the comments section gets a cookie. Now that the Terran have been annhilated by the zerg, Two Bit Charlie spends most of his time killing his teammates. We would use a different wormy friend for the job of trying to kill the enemy, but we can't directly control the worms anyway, and Two Bit Charlie just happens to have the meanest grenade tossing arm in the world. In this upsetting turn, Two Bit Charlie takes a little bit of the number floating above Beck's head, along with just as much off his own number. No real harm done, but now both of them are sitting on top of a Gas Barrel.

Santa, the first worm to move in this game, was called upon again by the Christmas Death team commander Redshoshi, once again to try and hit K'Spoosh with a bazooka. While Santa still did not directly hit K'Spoosh, he was able to knock him down, and send him plummeting into the small hill that Santa and 3 Wise Men were sitting on.

Responding to the threat presented by Santa and 3 Wise Men, K'Spoosh decided that the best course of action would be one that allowed him to escape and would blow the opponents in the other direction. Using his superior right mouse button (As opposed to hitting F5 once) K'Spoosh pulled out an extremely deadly and extremely red stick'o'dynamite. After carefully lighting the fuse, K'Spoosh did a back flip over the peak of the hill and leapt away from the danger zone before he got himself hurt. 3 Wise Men and Santa both survived the blast, but were severely weakened by it, and the number on the top of their heads drew very close to 0, also known as the death point to worms.

Remember Pavement? The lovable worm that threw the almighty cluster bomb that annhilated Jesus? The time has come for him to be thrust into the perilous peril that is Revenge of the Jesus loving Gift from Your Brother That Smells Like He Wet the Bed! (aka: Presents) Using the time he borrowed from the idle worm Kris Kringel (Trapped in a corner of the level and he couldn't get out without wasting a turn) Presents pulled out Christmas Death's trust Bazooka, and fired it directly at Pavement, who was sent flying straight into the watery wetness of the pond that seems to be underneath every single level.

Santa is a driven man. He has been trying since the first turn of the game to kill the elusive demon worm K'spoosh (yes now he's a demon worm) He may not last much longer. He uses his last bit of sanity to throw a very nice and shiny grenade, which explodes on a gas barrel, causing the waves of fire to incinerate K'spoosh.

Jack D thusfar is winning the race for "Most Useless Worm" It isn't his fault though, he hasn't had the chance to do anything yet! being the natural daredevil that he is, Jack D straps his wormy hide to a bungee cord, and plummets down, directly above Presents and Eggnog. Seeing the possible advantage the team would get by killing Presents, he dropped a grenade, and escaped to saftey right above the blast area. Both Presents and Eggnog were killed. (Moment of silence please?)

Christmas Death decided that the two sides of the map, seperated by a thin wall with a gas barrel (the one with Beck and Two Bit Charlie on it) on one side, should be connected. Using a standard issue bazooka, Rudolf was able to blow up the gas barrel from the other side of the wall, and send Beck and Two Bit Charlie down into the Christmas Death village, where the 4 remaining members of their team hung out.

Beck, slightly fazed by the gas explosion, decided to get up and stretch. She did a few back flips, and picked up a weapon crate, finding a pair of perfect petrol bombs, slightly useless in the current situation. Seeing no use in her turn, Beck used a worm changer, to give Two Bit Charlie a chance to use out his homing pigeon skills. The homing pigeon was sent right into the cluster of Christmas Death nitwit worms, killing both 3 Wise Men, and Santa, and leaving Rudolf with only a 1 over his head. He was seriously reconsidering his whole "lets blow up the wall so we can kick YuleTime Killer's sorry ass" plot.

Things quickly spiraled downwards for Christmas Death. On their next turn, Kris Krengal did not have any worm changers left, so he was forced to venture out of his hiding place, where he immediately was killed by a 1 second mine blowing him into the water. On the next move, Two Bit Charlie smoked one too many cigarettes, and committed good old fashioned suicide- right into Rudolf. There was much rejoicing.

Game 2: Jesus, the Sheepish Holy Figure

What fun would this game be without Pavement? In the last game, he started YuleTime Killer's regin of terror with an innocent perilous deadly grenade wannabe cluster that killed Jesus. In this second game, Jesus plays a more active role in the outcome of my ingrown toenails. Does anyone know an easy way to get rid of them? I've tried soaking them and then using a little pair of scis.....If you can guess how Jesus gets his holier-then-thou ass toasted in this game, just from the title, you get a cookie. NOT

Pavement didn't have an open shot on Jesus in the first move, so he did the worst thing he could think of, shoot a bazooka straight up. Fortunately for him, Eggnog was hanging about up there, and got his wormy little tush burnt up a bit, before he came plummeting down next to Pavement

Jesus wasn't in the mood to do any worm killing just yet, but he had no choice but to take his turn. He walked around the cliff he was stationed on a bit, but he accidentally fell off. *cough* Right onto Spanky. *Cough* pervert *cough*

Beck, arguably the most female worm on the team, is up next. Using her bazooka prowess, she knocks Kris Krengel and Santa into a bazooka hole. Very dull, boring. Story at 11.

Kris Krengel, slightly miffed at Beck's pest like attitude, takes it upon himself to give her a good punch in the face. The fire punch sends Beck soaring over a hill, knocking a mine down to the bottom, where it blows her up along with a gas barrel, which sends her over the hill with Pavement and Eggnog sitting on it, where she lands in her final resting place, becoming the first fatality of the game.

Spanky, the worm that Jesus molested a few moves back, pulled out his trusty pigeon-named-RubberDucky (no relation) and aimed it right at Jesus. Spanky isn't stupid, however, and could plainly see that, with him being right next to Jesus, he would be totally obliterated along with Jesus. This is a bad thing. So, Spanky made a quick hop, skip and a jump over to the hill with Pavement and Eggnog (Doesn't that sound silly if you put it where it isn't in a worms battlereport? "Yes, please go over to the hill with pavement and eggnog for your instructions") RubberDucky, impaired by his little pigeon mind, missed his target. He still hurt Jesus, but it wasn't quite as devestating as if oh....say a gigantic blue donkey made out of concrete fell on him. (Concrete Donkey) The next move, Christmas Death skipped, because their leader was an idiot.

Two Bit Charlie, a grenade throwing maniac, took it upon himself to throw a grenade at 3 Wise Men, who was knocked close to the water by the blast Spanky used on Jesus. 3 Wise Men was unceremoniously knocked into the water, never to be heard from again.

Jesus, quite upset about the pigeon, and the fire, and the whole "Electronics" thing (can you say technophobe?) has decided to take his revenge on Spanky, who just happens to be sitting next to Pavement, and Eggnog, a member of Jesus's team. The shot knocks all three into the water, which leads right into Kris Krengals next shot, which knocks K'Spoosh right into the water! Exciting! Dramatic! Exciting! Staring Bill Paxton as Kris Krengal, and Jamie Curtis (Mark 4) as K'Spoosh! In theaters on the 33rd!

Eggnog tries to follow suit by knocking Rudolf into the water with the Bow, but Rudolf's flying skill is unfortunately way to l33t gay gosu for Eggnogs unl33t gay chobo self. Rudolf proves himself even gosuer by showing Eggnog the proper way to knock a chobo worm into the water, by using a bazooka to show chobo unl33t Jack D a quick way to learn to swim. Jack D got a F on his final swimming exam. That paragraph was for you, Fox^1, who is always telling me to add more l33t and gosu and chobo to all of my paragraphs =D

Two Bit Charlie. He's killed once. He may kill again. Two Bit Charlie jumps over into a good position to bazooka Jesus, but makes a last minute decision to be an extraordinarily evil son of a bitch. Sheep! Two Bit Charlie sends a Sheep bouncing towards Jesus.

Little Drumer used to work on road constructoin. At least he tried. He was awful with the Jack Hammer, but he always thought he was the best, because he got the first Jack off o matic 3000 in existence. He likes to use that thing to knock worms off the cliff, but a few of them, like Eggnog, were a little too stubborn. Little Drumer jacked and jacked and jacked, almost as hard and as skillful as T_Mac in a bathtub, but to no avail. Little Drumer could not blow Eggnog down. Of course there are such things as delayed reactions. On the next turn, for some reason, Eggnog leapt down into the miney pit of mineness, and was blow halfway to smithereens by the mine down there. Too add insult to Eggnog's huge gashing bleeding owie, Little Drumer was permitted to go again via the worm changer, and he used a very effecient and neat looking ninja rope to strap a stick of dynamite to Eggnog's noggin.

Among many other things, Two Bit Charlie is also an ex-sky diver. A worm. Sky diving. You figure it out, I'm not l33t enough. Anyway, Two Bit Charlie notices a utility crate, but its a little bit of a fall. He uses one of his old parachutes to get down to it, and immediately dons the coat of invisibility he finds inside. Nearby, he notices Santa and Kris Krengal napping a bit close to the water. Immediately capitalizing on the situation, Two Bit Charlie tosses a pigeon strapped to a piece of dynamite into the air, and commands it to give Santa and Kris Krengal a quick swim. When you think of this move, think of it as the begining of the end of this game. Both teams now had two worms, and most of the middle terrain has been destroyed beyond safe use. Chances are, the game will end up on one side of the map or the other, all worms waiting for the other team to make the first move. Like the next move, Little Drummer does a hop and a skip with another ninja rope to get himself down. Wriggler moves himself down a bit, and tries to knock one of Christmas Death into the water, but hits a little too low to be of any use. On the next turn, Rudolf uses a homing missile to knock Two Bit Charlie off of his perch, and onto an island with a mine. Fortunately for Two Bit Charlie, the mine was a dud, and did not explode. On the next move, Two Bit Charlie tries to use his own homing missile, but the missile is sent straight up at full power, and crashes into the top of the level.

Rudolf is really irritated at Two Bit Charlie's repeated attempts to do something slightly useful, and decides the time has finally come for Two Bit Charlie to be shipped off to bait school. Using a Bazooka, held together with just a bit of Joe's bubble gum, Rudolf fires a bazooka missile at just the right angle to send Two Bit Charlie flying through the air in a huge circus style festival, before bouncing flatly (is that possible?) off of the news crew and into the water.

Wriggler, distraught that he is the only YuleTime Killer left, goes on a flying rampage. He starts out with a simple enough Jetpack, and then finishes with a ninja rope onto the top of the tree on the far left side of the map, where Rudolf started the game. 4 seconds before his "Not your turn paralysis" set it, Wriggler gets off a bazooka shot that put Little Drummer into the huge wormy graveyard of the ocean.

After this, Wriggler and Rudolf both went insane. No reason. They started innocently shooting terrain, and Wriggler nearly killed himself. They both stood around waiting for the other insane worm to make his move. There was a bit of Girder placement, but nothing extraordinarily exciting.

They shot seemingly aimlessly for a few more moments, until the hole right next to Wriggler was large enough for a worm to slide through. Wriggler was the first to move after that. He thought he could place a stick of dynamite next to Rudolf, and then escape to the alcove next to the half completed torch tunnel, but it didn't work that way. He didn't let go of the rope soon enough, and when the dynamite exploded, it left Wriggler without a rope, and falling quickly to his demise. Christmas Death had evened the score to 1-1, and Jesus was escaping to a piece of cheese.

Game 3: Cheeseus, Jesus!

Jesus, being the wimpy, wormy little creep that forced the final match to take place on a piece of cheese (Actually it wasn't Jesus, Redshoshi was hosting the game and he forgot to set the tile set to snow, but I already had 700 screenshots, so I just rolled with the punch, and blamed Jesus for it) gets to go first. He tries to use a bazooka to knock Jack D into the water, (how the fuck did they get water in a piece of cheese?) but Jack D was propelled away from the bazooka's hole, and survived the whole thing. Up next was Spanky, but he was way too exhausted from the run (he's quite out of shape you know) from the snowy snowness into the piece of cheese, apparently floating in water. Even though he was exhausted, he still would not give up, and tried to use a bazooka. Failure was inevitable however, and he blew himself straight into the water that the cheese was floating on.

Kris Krengal is often the name people refer to as Santa Clause's *real* name. But if that's true, why is there a Santa on Christmas Death? Kris Krengal is obviously pulling a Two Bit Charlie, and we already have a Two Bit Charlie, so Kris Krengal has to get rid of him. What better way then to send him straight to the wimpy worm, Jesus himself? Using an extraordinarily cool looking stick of dynamite, Kris Krengal manages to blow Two Bit Charlie off of his little flower thingy (Why are these flowers growing on cheese?) over to the little flower thingy Jesus is sitting on.

Two Bit Charlie thinks he can take advantage of this situation, and blow Jesus into the hole he made when he was trying to kill Jack D. Using a completely different type of dynamite, Two Bit Charlie blows Jesus. Into a little hole beneath a flower thingy next to the hole Jesus made with the bazooka, that Two Bit Charlie just fell into. Fortunately for Jesus, Two Bit Charlie dragged Jack D along with him.

Rudolf, who happens to be right in the middle of a group of Christmas Death worms, uses strategy, tactics, and a big shotgun to shoot a gas barrel above K'Spoosh, sending him flying down into a pit with Little Drumer. K'Spoosh survives the ordeal, but doesn't have quite the advantage he would have had on his next turn.

Wriggler, the wondrously stupid hero of the last game, had a grenade. Wriggler, the wondrously stupid hero of the last game, threw a grenade. Wriggler, the wondrously stupid not-quite-hero of the last game, ran from the grenade. The grenade landed on Santa, and exploded, catching a gas barrel in it's explosion. The fire from the gas barrel and the grenade combined to give Santa over 100 points of damage, kicking him out of the game.

Little Drumer, the worm sharing the hole with K'Spoosh, was beginning to detect the most vile of odors coming from his hole mate. Instead of dealing with the problem, like a real worm should, he ran, and found an innocent alcoholic drink. (didn't I make that joke already?) Shooting Eggnog with a bazooka sent Eggnog over to Eggnog, with a nearby mine landing right next to Wriggler, which, on explosion, sent Wriggler over to the hole with Eggnog and Eggnog. K'Spoosh, rather upset about the smell that seemed to be coming from his worm hole, hired out Spanky's pigeon named RubberDucky, and used to to force Kris Krengal and Rudolf down into the hole with him. Both survived. In retaliation, 3 Wise Men came down there, and used a battleaxe to cut K'Spoosh in half, leaving him with only a 31 above his head. Wriggler, who was very confused about the whole two worms named Eggnog situation, decided to kill them both, in order to ease his nerves. A little mine was placed, and he scampered out of the blast zone, while the two drunk worms sank like two drunk worms generally sink.

Little Drumer is up again, this time thanks to the worm changer from Presents. Instead of a standard bazooka, Little Drumer uses a Homing missile to shoot Beck down from her little flower thingy, where she lands right next to Wriggler.

K'Spoosh recognizes the possibility of Jesus escaping the wrath of the Yule Time Killers, and feels that Jesus must be killed at all costs. Using his Red Bandana of badassness (sounds like something Bob_the_Newt would wear) K'Spoosh straps a small stick of dynamite, and charges straight towards Jesus, but the dynamite kills him before he can annihilate his holiness.

3 Wise Men once again sets out on a quest to show how awesome he is, this time using a ninja rope to pick up a weapons crate before trying to sink Beck and Wriggler into the water. 3 Wise Men stopped on the hill-mushroom thingy that Wriggler started the game on, but was later blown away by a mine dislodged by Littler Drummer's bazooka on Eggnog. 3 Wise Men tried to throw a grenade, but he didn't have much time to do it, and he didn't put enough power into it, so it only made it halfway to Back and Wriggler.

Pavement has been silently watching his wormy friends this game, and feels that there is a chance his team will not win. Even greater, he feels that they will not succeed in meeting their main objective - to totally annhiliate any and all pieces of Christmas Death's holy figure, Jesus. (Pronounced Hae-Zues) Doing so will ensure that they do not win the Spanish-American vote in "Team USA worms!" for lack of a Spanish speaking member. Realizing that if you want something done right, you have to wait until the last second and make yourself look extremely cool, Pavement jumps into action, and with 2 seconds left on his clock, he shoots Jesus into the hole he created in the first move of the game, with a simple shotgun maneuver.

Pavement is aiming down the hole K'Spoosh made with his kamikaze, which has Jesus right over the water directly at the otehr side.

Unfortunately, for the YuleTime Killers, Pavement was soon to follow Jesus, by way of an arrow up his ass, shot by Rudolf. On YuleTime Killers next turn, Beck tried to throw a grenade, but it bounced back, sinking both her and Wriggler.