"Vultures own Goons"
Bob_The_Newt
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| The Adventures of Fuxor: Part Three | | | Author: | | | IP: | 162.119.XXXX | | Date: | 01/05/01 10:01 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for DivvyO: 7.7143 |  |
WARNING: This is part three in a series. It would be advantageous to read parts one and two before continuing.
PROLOUGE PRE STORY CHAPTER THINGY
Our tale begins not in the Pokemon world, but the real world. It seems that my niece Daisy has convinced her parents to buy her a Game Boy. With this Gane Boy came the only game that has the possibility to destroy all of civilization:
POKEMON YELLOW.
"Hahaha you gay piglicker DivvyO," flamers would say, "what are you ranting about Pokemon Yellow for? You play Pokemon too, you hypocritical gay chobo-fister." Right in one respect there, you witty flamers you. But Pokemon Yellow isn't like the four other Pokemon games out there. In Pokemon Yellow, you start the game off with not a diverse choice of one of three powerful pokemon, but PIKACHU. You're forced to have him. IF you don't want him, YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS GAME. As an added bonus, if he's in your party, he considers himself too good to be in a Poke Ball, and follows your character around like a little lost puppy (I love run on sentences). If you try to talk to him, he responds with some of the worst digital speech I have ever heard. For example, when it's supposed to say "pika pika," the Game Boy's speaker winds up coughing out something like "pikfadslbkjalkjb pikasjdbflbfkillyourmothermarryyourfatherdaflgkjlkjg." This game has lost most of its playability due to the kids that only want a Pikachu, because, apparently, catching one in Red or Blue is "TOO HARD."
Catching one in Red or Blue is too hard, eh? I'll show them. I'm going to make an elite force of ex-police officer Pikachus. They were once assigned to do very hazardous duties, but I'll take them away from all that. For now, they will work for me. They will be ...
Allright, time to go out into the "tall grass" and find me some wild Pikachus. You know, after graduating high school and getting an MCSE, I never thought that I'd be spending quite so much time trying to find these little yellow electric mice. On a FAKE Game Boy, no less.
Well, i searched, and I searched, and lo and behold. I find a Pikachu. So what does my pokemon do? Kill it, of course. Stupid Pokemon. Maybe making an all-Pikachu squad isn't what it's cracked up to be. Ah well, now that that little interlude is out of the way, it's time to continue the story. And THAT means it's Fuxor's time to go visit ...
Chapter One
MORE TRAINERS
It was at about this time where young Fuxor ran into the most trainers in a single place ever. It seems that there were all these kids that could defeat Brock, but were somehow confused as to what to do next, so they just stayed on the outskirts of town and attempted to bully anyone who comes by. However, these kids were no French Guards, if you catch my drift.
Fortunately for Fuxor, the trainers fought like they taunted. He breezed by without too much trouble, and was on his way to the next city, until ...
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
There was a particular female trainer in my way. She had only one pokemon. This Pokemon was a level 14 Jigglypuff. It sports big manhole-cover eyes and little flipper type arms that have no apparent use. It looks like the most harmles pokemon alive. It looks like it it should be stuck on the end of a stick and held over a fire for a few minutes for best cooking results. In other words, IT'S A BIG FUCKING GAY PINK MARSHMALLOW BITCH FUCKTIT.
 I hold so much hatred for the above said jigglypuff because it managed to sing every one of Fuxor's pokemon to sleep, and then proceed to lay the holy smackdown down on them, one at a time, using a technique known as "pound." Now I don't want to know what he "pounds" Fuxor's pokemon with, nor do I want to know. All I know is that Fuxor got spanked, and spanked hard.
Chapter Two
MOUNT MOON
After the short teleport home and the long walk back, I evaded the little girl with the big bad Pokemon, and continuted on my merry way, half a stash lighter. It seemed that in order to actually continue, however, I'd have to go through the ever perilous Mt. Moon. Why did they call it Mt. Moon, you ask? Well, you see, a long time ago, a meteor apparently hit the side of the mountain, you see, and so there are apparently weird "moon pokemon" that are exceptionally rare, you see, and that it's all explained in the museum that keeps the SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA under it's evil shrink ray, you see, or at least I think it's a shrink ray, you see, because in the workd of Pokemon apparently Space Shuttles are about 20 ft. long/tall at the most. You see?
 Anyways, the trip through Mt. Moon was uneventful save for one event: I got to meet Team Rocket. If you know anything about the TV show, Team Rocket is the bane of all things good in the world of Pokemon. If a few extra bucks can be made at a Pokemon's expense, Team Rocket will do it. Why do they do this, you ask? My theory is that they are saving up money so all their members can have big honkin' tittie implants. Take a look at the photo on the right. Both the center figure and the one on the right are Team Rocketers. The one on the right, however, is a guy. Thank God that he's using a towel, or the girl on the left would be really confused.
The team was defeated rather easily, as they mostly used Pokemon that were much weaker than my own. For my spoils, I get to choose between a Dome Fossil or a Helix Fossil. Apparently the terms "that belongs in a museum" doesn't apply to young Fuxor, and he swipes a Helix Fossil.
One interesting thing about these fossils is that later on in the game you can turn them into usable Pokemon. Jurassic Park, eat your heart out. Needless to say, you cannot get your pokemon to do things like bite the heads off of opposing trainers, or maybe launch an attack on Viridian City for selling out on Antidotes. But wouldn't it be nice?
 Anyways, after trekking through Mt. Moon, Fuxor finds himself at the gates of Cerulean City ("A mysterious, blue aura surrounds it"). Outside the gates provide some good Poke-fodder for Penix-S-, and it winds up making him change. He notices that his voice is starting to deepen. He is finding hair in places where there was no hair before. And he's starting to want to have sex with anything that has a hole, including most pieces of home maintenance equipment. Yes, our young Penix is now no longer a mere Squirtle, but now wishes to be called a WARTORTLE. Darn rebellious kids, always wanting to be called this name or that. Next thing you know they'll be wearing their red baseball caps backwards and getting all the female Squirtles knocked up. Then, years later, you'll look somberly out the window, and see the place where Squirlte's '75 Camaro used to sit, and think to yourself, "Why, God? Why?"
 Not to be shown up, apparently, poipoi also began to grow. In fact, he went from a small, harmless little cocoon, to a large, stinger-armed, fearsome-looking bee thing. poipoi was looking pretty damn good, actually. Then I noticed that he still only knew how to use "Harden" when in a fight. Ah well, I'm sure you'll be useful one day, poipoi.
Rounding out the evolutions was our trusty Pidgey, W.L.J. Apparently the snacks outside allowed him to change from the slightly bulbuous bird he was to a huge lardass version of an artist's rendition of a pigeon. One that's had too many donuts with cheez-whiz topping. Maybe I should have named it Scarab.
After getting these evolutions, it's time for WAR. The trainer in this city is Misty, and apparently she's out to sploosh everyone with Water-type pokemon. Oooo ooo, killer fish, I'm so scared.
MISTY vs. FUXOR
Round 1:
CKane (level 11 Ratatta) vs.
Level 18 Staryu
Wow, there's a bit of an imbalance in levels here. CKane's in for a bit of a challenge to begin with. I guess getting spanked in 2 hits wasn't in his master plan. Oh well.
Round 2:
poipoi (Level 10 Beedrill) vs.
Level 18 Staryu
Well, poipoi still only knows "harden," and it's not too good at killing Staryus. It's not too good at killing anything, in fact, because it's a defensive spell. It does allow poipoi to live a few turns longer than his ill-fated buddy, CKane, tho.
Round 3:
Penix-S- (Level 17 Wartortle) vs.
Level 18 Staryu
Now we're looking at a bit more of an even field. Since both Pokemon are water types, the water attacks they can fling won't do jack against eachother. Both Pokemon went at it with normal based attacks until Penix, at about half-health, spanked the Staryu. The beatdown allowed Penix to hit Level 18.
Round 4:
Penix-S- (Level 18 Wartortle) vs.
Level 21 Starmie
Well, looks like Misty has the evolved version of the Staryu at her disposal, too. Unfortunately, it's quite a few levels higher than Penix. After getting one whole attack off, Penix was spanked by the Starmie.
Round 5:
W.L.J. (Level 18 Pidgeotto) vs.
Level 21 Starmie
Now it's time for the last Pokemon to be drawn. W.L.J., you're my only hope. With you, I can defeat Misty and take my next badge, allowing Team Fuxor to continue in-game and live a happier life. It all comes down to you. You're my favorite little Pokemon. Win, W.L.J., win!
ASDGAKSLGAG FUCK A TAMPON W.L.J.
Well, it seems that Fuxor has lost. Again. Can he recover from his embarrassing defeat at the hands of a girl that can't even fill out a two piece bathing suit? Can I ever catch more Pokemon? Will poipoi ever become useful at all? Find out in the next installment of THE ADVENTURES OF FUXOR.
Chapter Three
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
To let everyone know ahead of time, there will not be another Adventures of Fuxor for a while, as I am pursuing other comic interests, like making my very own webpage (yay). Who knows what might be on this webpage of definite webpaginess? Well, I don't, so if someone can give me any ideas ...
And now it is time for the public service announcement, and it is about the ever-popular Dreamcast game: Shenmue. One of its selling points is that it has one of the most open storylines in gaming history. This seemed like a nice break from, say, Pokemon, where you have to go from event A to event B to event C and so on and so on in a set order. So's I buy myself a copy, expecting a nice little modern-day RPG with some Fatal Fury action mixed in.
Boy was I wrong.
After playing the game for a few hours, I wound up turning my Dreamcast off in utter boredom. The plot is almost a little too open-ended (you're supposed to find the killer of your father, and the only thing you have to go in is that he tools around in a black car). To further the pain, you have to deal with the neighborhood brats that are playing soccer in the street and "rescuing" disease-ridden kittens from certain death. At least there's an arcade nearby where I can drop some Yen into Space Harrier or Hang On ... provided I get back home by 11 PM. One time I decided to go around looking for a fight, and after a bit I found one. I found out that the fighting engine was more like "Dragon's Lair" than it was "Final Fight." Swell. So now I spend my days travelling the earth, taking care of kittens and rescuing little girls from soccer balls. Woo.
So in conclusion, don't touch Shenmue. Not even if someone paid you. Maybe if hot women promised wild passionate sex with you (or men depending on your cup o' tea), but for no other reason. At all.
 
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