Welcome all to the second season of my Starcraft TV series. If you haven't seen the first episode you can find it here. New music and backgrounds will be incorporated into every edition of this series, I hope you let me know which backgrounds and music pieces you like best so that I can use them again in other Battlereports.

WARNING: As was stated in the previous episode, and will be stated again, This is a Fanfic. If you don't like Fanfics just stop reading now, rather than flame me in the comments section.

And now for those that wish to continue, I present to you...

Caption's Log: Stardate - 1812.1.08

Caption Litz of the Starship Excrement-Prize, in high orbit over the planet of teletubbine. Our mission is to protect the cuddly inhabitants from the tenacious arms of religious zealots seeking their obliteration due to the gay influence on the worlds youth.

We open in on the Caption's Office directly adjacent to the bridge, where the Caption sits and sips tea while reading a book about penis's.
 

"Sir, We have an unidentified object to the aft starboard side of the ship" Announces Chief Petty Officer Peat Chieferson as he enters the Caption's office.

"Report." Says the Caption as he enters the bridge.

"Sir, there is an unidentified object directly off the aft starboard engine." Answers Tactical Officer Josh Johnson.

"Would somebody please give me information that doesn't involve shafting star boards please."

"We can't pinpoint the object's location or tell what it is due to some sort of interference with our scanners, Sir." Answers Josh again.

"Put it on the Main Screen"

"Yes, Sir!"

"Zoom In, Plz."

"Yes, Sir!"

"Ahhhhh, Zoom out a little, PLZ!!!"

"Sir, Yes Sir"

"So, What the fuck is it?"

"Sir, We believe it is a Protoss Observer."

"But aren't those permanently invisibible?"

"Well I would guess not, eh sir?"

"Don't talk back to me or I will have you shot!"

"Yes, Sir!"

"OK, That's it! Shoot yourself NOW!!!"

"Yes, sir. . ."

"All Senior Staff to War Room in 10 minutes." Announces the Caption over the ships PA system.
 

"O Shit! We're being robbed!!!" Screams Danny Anderson like an 8 year old girl being chased by that pedophile that lives down the street from me.

"O Wait, It's just the Caption with pantyhose on his head." Danny corrects himself, "Had me going for a minute there, Sir."

"Everyone, I would like to introduce you all to Michael Jordan, Our new Tactical Officer. He's back from retirement you know!" Announces the Caption, "Now, Let's get down to business."

"Sir, The data on the Observer suggests that it is Bio-mechanical." Begins Chief Engineer Helen Huntyoudownski.

"Bio-mechanical, Since when do Protoss augment their robots with living tissue?" Asked the Caption.

"Well Sir, We believe that it is in-fact a Zerg replica or even more likely Infested Observer."

"Zerg? Infested? So is that why we can see the thing without any detection?"

"We believe so."

"Fine work you've done so far, (Whispers, just a little too loud so everyone can hear)."

"Well MJ," Begins the Caption after a brief awkward pause, "As Tactical Officer what do you suggest we do about this matter?"

"First we must neutralize the Pro-Zerg Hybrid. Because it can see everything we are doing!"

"Good plan. OK Men, put your Nikes on, drink your Gatorades, grab your Big Macs and head over to the bridge. MJ, Meet me in my Office for your actual interview." Concluded the Caption.

"But Sir. . ." Whined Chief Huntyoudownski, "What about my COOKIE!?"

"O Yes, Michael just meet me in 20 minut..., er make it 10 minutes."
 

"State your name for the record Please." Began the Caption.

"Michael Jordan." answered MJ.

"Last post?"

"I was Caption of the starship U.S.S.R. DaBulls."

"Everything appears to be in order, just one last question."

"OK, Shoot."

"You know all those underwear commercials you do?

"For Hannes, Yeah."

"Well, What do you wear? Boxers or Briefs?"

"Well actually Sir, I Wear Panties!"
 

"Is the Infested Observer in range?" Asked the Caption as he entered the bridge.

"Yes, Sir." answered MJ.

"Fire at will."

At this point three bridge officers turned and shot William, the Caption's new 'boy toy' to death.

"DASAKL SADL" Shouted the Caption in horrific surprise, "I meant destroy the Observer DAMMIT!!!"

"Sir, We have now destroyed the observer. What shall we do now?" Inquired MJ.

"We must find the Zerg Brood responsible for this deception and decimate them!!!" Answered the Caption. "I'll be in engineering. Contact me when you discover their location."
 

"So, Helen my dear, Do we have time for a quickie befo..., HEY! Where's Helen?"

"She took an excavation team to gather debris from the Observer for analysis, Sir." Answered Ivana

"And who is in charge here?"

"I am, Sir. Master Engineer Ivana Sucadich at your service."

"Man was that good. Now will you tell me your name?"

"Sir, I told you my name. It's Ivana Sucadich."

"O, I thought that was a request."

"The Caption's presence is requested on the Bridge" Announced the automated computer paging system.
 

"Have you located the Zerg presence yet?" asked the Caption just before walking nuts-first into the arm of his chair.

"Yes we have Sir, and are you ok?" replied Josh Johnson.

"Yes I am, David. Now get back to work!"

"Yes, Si..."

"Are you going to tell me where the Zerg are?"

"Yes, Si..."

"So, Tell ME!"

"Yes, Si..."

"Let this be a lesson to you all. If you don't do your job you will be killed."

"So does this mean I'll be taking Josh's job again?" asked MJ.

"O, Yes MJ. So do you know where the Zerg are?" responded the Caption.

"Indeed we do, Sir. We are an estimated 15 minutes from their current position, and have a course laid in and waiting for your orders to proceed."

"Now that's what I like to hear. Just for that you get a cookie."

"Sorry Sir, But I don't swing that way."

"O yeah, that's right. Uhmm, Neither do I, Uhmm, yeah."

"Well Sir, We do have one problem, The weapons aren't installed yet."

"SHITTTT"
 

"Is Helen back from her expedition yet?" The Caption asked Ivana.

"Yes, Sir" She responded.

"Where can I find her?"

"She is in the back doing calibration tests on the Yamoto canon."

"O thank God, I'll jus go back and make sure everything is up to speed."

"Yes, sexxy, err, I mean, Sir."

The Caption merely winks to her as he walks by.

"Helen, How is the weapon system coming along?" Asks the Caption when he finally reaches the back room.

"We are almost there, Sir. After we finish calibrating the trajectory sensors, We will have weapon operation at full capacity." Answers Chief Engineer Helen Huntyoudownski.

"WoW, Already? You deserve a cookie."

"OK Sir, I'm finished. Now for that cookie."

"I'll meet you on the bridge Helen."
 

"MJ, We have full weapons operations. Do we know the number and composition of the Zerg fleet?" The Caption asked MJ prior to the engagement with the Zerg forces.

"Yes, Sir. One Devourer, One Infested Observer, One Overlord full of Zerglings, and 235453411342324356 Guardians." Answered MJ.

"O MY FUXIN GOD!!!! THAY ARE SO HAXED!!! WE FUXORING OWN THEIR ASSES!!! FUXING GREAT!! FUX I'M ORGASMING!! FUX YEA!!! You can handle this MJ, Just don't let any of them escape alive."

"Yes, Sir!"

"One last thing before I go."

"Yes, Sir?"

"That little magnification device we have for the view screens, I can use it to magnify things inside the ship, Can't I?"

"Indeed you can, Sir."

"Cool."

As the Caption is walkin away MJ adds, "You're gonna check out your penis aren't you?"

"Oh, Hell Yeah!"
 

"To our victory over the Zerg!" The Caption says as he lifts his glass of wine.

"To us having more gratuitous sex!" Cheif Huntyoudowski adds as she joins the Caption in his toast.

"O that reminds me, I wan to show you something."

"Cool, What is it?"

"Let's just go over to my view screen over here."

"OK."

"Check it out!"

"What is it?"

"It's my penis at 500x magnification."

"WoW Caption, TAKE ME NOW!!!"

I Hope you have all enjoyed the second season of my made for TV Battlereport. I am sorry that it took so long to release for those of you who enjoyed the first, but I can't quite find the free time I need as of late.

For those of you that are interested, I do plan on releasing many more episodes of this series, however, not for quite some time because I really want to work on some non-fiction projects that are calling out to me. Never the less, Look forward to seeing the Caption and his crew a great many times to come.

And a few shout outs. . .

---Spellchecker, For finding all my misspelled words for me.

---Special thanks to Vodka, For being the crutch I need to make it through life.

---Kids In The Hall

---I would also like to say, "Good Job", to whomever it was that got my first comment. Cough.

Thank you all for reading my story. And People please, If you haven't already called your mother, do that now.

This has been a:

Production