Slightly more, excessively long, introduction.

Hello and welcome to battle report number 2. This of course is my second report and I'm proud to say, a fairly good one. (Hint hint) It also is about 1 Meg, so go do something while it downloads. Anyway, for those of you who read my first report I accidentally screwed up the link to the replay so here it is again.

This report will be slightly different from my last report; there will be guest commentary from different slightly famous people. There's going to be commentary from the midget in the tuxedo which we a fell in love with, and Cletus, the country yokel. All this and more, coming right up.

Smock

The combatants for today are: - Tsunami, master of micro and king of gosu I for some reason have this crazy notion that reporting his replays are fun. His opponent is Testie, who is quite a regular in Tsunami's great library a replays. He is a mystery, surrounded in a hotdog. He has been accused of many thing, from using a map hack to being very bad mannered. I however believe that he plays a solid game, and as you will see in this replay, can pull off some amazing things.

The map for this match up is situated in the goat kingdom, just left of faecal palace, The Lost Temple.

To start the game, I've hired a beautiful, naked, woman. (*Note I did not hire her, I just got her as a present. ;P )

Both players start out well and their builds begin to take shape. Tsunami goes for a two hatch; zerglings with expansion while Testie does a two-gate with tech build. No rush comes from either side but Testie, showing a slice of brilliance, use his scouting probe to harvest from Tsunami's mineral line.

Smock

Now you may say to yourself: - What the fuck is this guy talking about, I do that all the time!

My response is yes, you probably do think you god, but I bet that you have not harvested for a second, and then change to another mineral patch. This causes Tsunami not to harvest one of his mineral patches for a while. Testie then uses his probe to annoy Tsunami's drones and then finally runs away with a farewell gift of eight crystals.

Now that last paragraph might have made about as much sense as the alt text on my last report. However, if/when you have seen the replay it will be totally clear. /me runs off snickering.

Ok, back to the game.

Tsunami now has a group of zerglings and makes sure the route to his expansion is clear. He then sends out a mindless drone to create a hatchery for the greater good. Testie, not liking this one bit, attacks with three zealots with another coming up the rear. (Hehe always wanted to say that.)

Smock

This stops the hatchery and he then proceeds to block Tsunami's ramp with these steroid filled zealots. Tsunami, knowing what to do in these situations builds another control group of zerglings and slaps down a hydra den. Testie, feeling comfortable for the moment, starts to tech and begins a cycore. Little does he know what is about to happen.

Tsunami finally gets five hydras and uses them to attack Testie offending zealots. As soon as they have moved, Tsunami strikes, sending the two control groups worth of zerglings to surround the zealots and killing them all, while only losing seven of there number.

They then continue onwards to Testie main where they meet up with a small yet effective defence consisting of five zealots and a dragoon. These forces hold out while reinforcement get built, but as always nothing lasts forever and Tsunami's forces, after repeated attempts, finally break in, but are put down with six dragoons and probes.

Smock

I believe, that after all that writing, we need a picture.

During all this, Tsunami king of comedy...um I mean micro, expands to both his natural and mineral only expansions. Testie, having a sixth sense, (or possibly map hack...j/k) sends a shuttle with two range upgrade goons to do some annoying. This is then reinforced with two more dragoons forcing Tsunami to build lots of sunken colonies. He hopes that this would dissuade the disco-dancing dragoons. Testie however, focus fires on the sunken colonies before they fully form and is rewarded with a pretty explosion of ick and gore.

Testie, fighting off another attempt of Tsunami's to penetrate his base, starts the templar tech. Tsunami, using the sunken colonies as a diversion, starts up a spire. When the spire finally finishes he orders up ten mutalisks and two pairs of scourges. He then uses the mutalisks to eradicate the protoss menace on the cliff and then continues onward to Testie base.

Testie, not ever one to take things lying down, drops two dark templar in Tsunami's main destroying his spire and an evolution chamber. These assassins are taken down by zerglings just before they finish off the spawning pool.

Smock

On the other side of the map an interesting thing is happening. While Tsunami's mutalisks are raiding Testie's main and natural mineral lines, Testie summons a dark archon. What's this you ask, a dark archon? That's right a dark archon. Now you are probably asking yourself, what good is a dark archon in this situation? Well, do you remember the spell maelstrom? That's what I thought. Well this is an exciting day for you boys and girls, for you see uncle Testie is gonna do something amazing, just have a look.

Oh my god, Did you see that? He maelstromed the mutalisks and then killed them. Wow. Lets ask some of our friends what they thought.

Naked chick: - Ohhh, I liked that a lot.
Cletus: - That there was genuine goat's milk.
Cliff yablonski: - Its not law and order so I hate it. Oh and I hate you too. All of you.
Professor Frink: - That was flawed, because the trajectory of the casting could not have possibly caused the mutalisks to freeze.
Midget in a tuxedo: - That was pure brillia...Fuck off!

Well there you have it, our panel of idiots have declared it a winner.

Smock

Now that the mutalisks threat is over, Testie sends a lone assassin to take out; you guessed it, the President of Chile. Um...no actually some drones, but that is my favourite confuse the enemy tactic. Anyway, the dark templar kills a couple of drones before being forced out by some zerglings bouncers.

Mid game banter.

Welcome to the mid game banter, brought to you by the gaggle of idiots running through my mind.

Thank you and now back to the game.

Testie, getting restless, sends out his army on a crush, kill, destroy mission. Their target, Tsunami's mineral only. Tsunami has two groups of zerglings and one sunken colony there to defend and as you will see, this is just not enough.

Tsunami rushes to put together a defence consisting of zerglings and lurkers. Testie on the other hand, content on the destruction of one expansion, sets up camp and starts singing songs.

Smock

Tsunami tries to expand to the six O'clock main but gets denied like H--H with a chick. So Tsunami tries to be special and builds a hatchery above the 3 O'clock mineral only. This, for those of you with no knowledge of the lost temple, (unfortunately this is very slim) is situated in the 3 O'clock main. Testie then expands to the mineral only, showing us that Tsunami must be able to see into the future.

Testie does what all naughty people should do and drops Tsunami's main, killing all of his mining drones and a large handful of zerglings before being destroyed. Tsunami in retaliation sends a bucket load of lurkers to clear out his choke. Although maelstrom was used to stop this breakout, there where just too many infidels to stop and Testie forces where beaten back.

Tsunami sends a group of zerglings to destroy the 3 O'clock min only but they run straight into Testie retreating forces. Tsunami starts the cliff sunkens while sending the lurker/zerglings combo to hold the centre. Testie sees this and using storm clears out most of the clumped lurkers.

Smock

Testie finally finds out about the cliff sunkens and sends a group of zealots to take it out. This meets up with stiff resistance and Testie sends almost his whole force to finally put an end to it. Using this as a distraction, Tsunami sends a lurker to take out some probes. Unfortunately this was spotted and Tsunami's lurker only managed to get one probe before biting the dust.

Tsunami now realising the need for an expansion, expands to both islands. Testie, also having the need for greed, sets up a defence at the 3 O'clock main for a future expansion. A shuttle containing two high templar flies by an overload. Its destination is the cliff overlooking Tsunami's natural. Two scourges are scrambled to intercept and the shuttle explodes into millions of tiny fragment.

Unfortunately for Tsunami the high templar managed to disembark the shuttle so Tsunami has to send an overlord filled with zerglings to remove the threat. At the same time Tsunami sends an overlord filled with two lurkers to do a bit of harassing. Thinking quick, Testie maelstroms the overlord before it can finish dropping all its cargo and the attack is exterminated.

Smock

Testie flies an observer to each of the islands and finds both expansions starting production. This will not be tolerated under his regime and he sends a shuttle full of zealots to take out the top left island.

Tsunami send a defiler to do a plague raid while simultaneously sending zerglings to the 6 O'clock main and 12 O'clock mineral only Tsunami takes out the nexus there and then picks the zerglings up and drops them on Testie main.

This forces Testie to concentrate on this rather than the shuttles that he hallucinated. The shuttles where going to be a diversion but Tsunami's actions made Testie forget what he was doing.

Action time again.

Testie decides to attack Tsunami's mineral only again but this time with an even bigger army. Now to the unseeing observer this is just a straight out attack, but you see Testie shows us that he too can multi-task, and sends a drop ship filled with three high templar down to Tsunami's lower-right island expansion.

Smock

Now if you think that's good then you'll be amazed at this. Tsunami while setting up a defence against the upcoming slaughter, manages to destroy the aforementioned high templar before they get off a storm, and he also manages to plague part of Testie's army.

This of course is the last straw and Testie sends in the cavalry, which then hits into the wall know as Tsunami's natural. Tsunami fights hard and starts to take out the zealots in front. This of course allows Tsunami to cast dark swarm and take out the dragoons with ease. Seeing this Testie retreats but Tsunami just keeps on casting dark swarm and keeps on pushing Testie back.

Tsunami then sends a group of zerglings to the 3 O'clock natural to take out the nexus there. This however is stoped by a drunken archon and two bloated zealots. Tsunami sends another wave of zerglings to Testie main but this runs into a group of dragoons. Now as we all know zerglings > dragoons, what you may not know is dragoons + maelstrom > zerglings, so using this equation, Testie wins the battle.

Smock

Testie now with a slight advantage, sends down the dragoons. He however forgot that last time he did this he was owned by dark swarm, Tsunami reminded him.

Tsunami now sends the victorious zerglings to both the 12 O'clock min only and the 6 O'clock main, taking out both of the nexus's there and also the probes. Testie retaliates with a new army consisting of mainly zealots with a few dark templar mixed in. This time, not only does Tsunami's natural fall but also his main. Tsunami's parting shot is a zerglings drop that takes out Testie 12 O'clock min only again.

Testie takes out Tsunami's 3 O'clock cliff lurkers with dark templar and then transforms them into a dark archon also doing this on the top left island. His starts researching mind control in the hopes of stealing Tsunami pants.

Tsunami, trying to get a foothold on the main land, starts a hatchery foolishly close to the middle of the 6 O'clock main. Testie accidentally uncovers this while fending off a group of zerglings. Tsunami also tries to cliff Testie 3 O'clock natural again with four lurkers but Testie fended this off with two high Templars. These lurkers where then transported to Testie 12 O'clock min only, where they stopped the harvest of precious blue crystals.

Smock

Now lets just take a moment to reflect shall we. Tsunami's down to just one island, soon to be two, and yet Testie is only ever miming from one expansion. Now if you don't think this is brilliant then go and jab a rusty fishhook into your eye. Anyway, Tsunami sends an exploratory force and drops Testie main with four ultralisks. This is easily fended off and Tsunami returns them back to the top left island where they meet up with two unhappy high templars.

With the templar dead Tsunami starts up a brand spanking new expansion at the top left island. Tsunami now strikes, dropping six ultralisks and sending them to attack the 6 O'clock main. He also drops four ultras and attacks Testie new expansion at Tsunami's old mineral only. The attack on six is halted for a moment by a perfectly placed maelstrom, which gives the reinforcements just enough time to save the nexus there.

One thing I noticed, the cannon that Testie placed there survived a very long time. So I had a look at what was going on. Testie had placed the cannon so that two pylons blocked it off. This caused the ultralisks that was trying to attack it to go mental. Amazing!!!

Testie drops the top left with three dark templar but they manage to achieve very little so Tsunami, I can imagine, does the mocking dance. The mocking dance goes a like this.

(*Sing*) Left foot forward, right foot back, clap your hands and slap your back. Walk on down until you hit, a brick wall full of sticks.

Now do this until you pass out, wake up, realise you've lost the game and then drink lots of beer.

Smock

Testie goes and hits jackpot by stealing an overlord filled with two ultralisks. He then tries his luck again but only gets and empty overlord. Tsunami now takes a big risk and starts a hatchery just behind Testie's 6 O'clock expansion. He tries a mini diversion of two lurkers at the 12 O'clock min only but gets repulsed. He then tries again but this time he has two overloads filled with zerglings in tow. This gets put down, like a dieing puppy at the vet.

Tsunami's secret hatchery finally finishes and of course the creep gives away the position so it is just a matter of Testie taking it down and moping up the blood. Tsunami's now angry and attacks the 6 O'clock mineral only and the 3 O'clock natural with zerglings. The former is stopped by dark templar and liberal use of maelstrom while the latter succeeds in destroying all of the probes before getting destroyed.

And now kiddies the final battle.

That's right, this glorious event happens in the last minute of game play. It starts by Tsunami dropping an exploratory group of zerglings at Testie's main. But Tsunami only drops one zerglings and makes Testie's forces that are stationed there to follow. This then lets the main force land safely and this force starts to take Testie's main base apart.

Testie hit the red alert button and sends all his nearby forces to save his base. While his preliminary forces divert Tsunami's attention, Testie also manages to mind controls two of the offending ultralisks. This turns the tide of battle slightly and gives enough time for Testie's reinforcements to arrive. Tsunami realises that he has lost and concedes this brilliant game.

Smock

Here are the final results: -

And here is a link to the replay: - (this works)

Ok, now that that is done I'd like to thank my wonderful commentators for their brilliant insight to this magnificent match.

I also want to say thanks to http://www.backgroundcity.com for lending me this wonderful background and I would also like to answer ZerG~LinG's question by saying that my favourite reporter is a tie between Drefsab and YourRoleModel. (And myself of course!!!)

Ok now you people should now comment, for that is what makes battle reporting fun, because if there are no comments then we do not feel all warm and gooey inside. Oh and I promise I won't take first comment.

Bye the way, English is my first, second and third language. I did however only get a C back in high school. (Fucking Shakespeare!) Also, anyone that complains about the Simpson pictures will get a call from uncle Vinne, the florist. All I'm trying to do is see a style of reporting that I like and then go with it. So comment away.

Smock

You've all been had; Gojky has done this.