"Trust me, I could have hidden nude in the grass with my member poking up, and it would have been more tower presence than what was in his base."
- CattleBruiser (as Bob_The_Nude)'s The Warcraft Report
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| The deadly n00b-be-gone rush | | | Author: | | | IP: | cvg-65-2XXXX | | Date: | 01/06/03 01:01 | | Game Type: | Warcraft 3 | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 2, Max: 5, Min: 3
Lifetime Rating for chicken4ever: 4.0000 |   | I bet you will all think I'm a moron after you have read this report. I just played a game on Warcraft III and I felt like writing it up real quick. It was a good game to get ha ha's and shit like that into :P. Anyway...this isn't gonna have pictures. I don't have any of that fancy equipment dat you city fellers got there. I just got good old text. So here we go.
I got on Warcraft III talking to my friends, in my usual channel, box (pretty lame eh?) when I thought I would just play a melee. Well me and my friends really do like playing custom games a lot more than melees, so they really were mad about it. Anyways...I convinced them that it was ok, so I ran off to play a bit of the old school Warcraft III. I got into the new and improved auto search, which no one plays my favorite maps on, and looked for a game. (Every time I select a map it is NEVER there, it always switches it to another map. Pisses me off...but this time was different. Read on adventurous soul.) But, this time was different. It selected a map that I, myself, no one else but me, selected. I about pissed in my pants of joy. The map was Gnoll Wood and I really do like that map, just cus I like furry little defenselss things on Warcraft III. I started out as green. Oh, and just to lay it out for you, it was a 'small free for all'. Anyways, I started out as green, when somone blurts out, "Oh my god it works!!"
I respond, "What does?" still being the semi-n00b I am.
Then he says, "Alt QQQ shows the entire map!"
Oh well here we go, he just about ruins my day when he says that. I get all excited and almost soil my new pants that I just put on from my previous endover, and press alt QQQ. To my surprise, the far to quick computer that I recived for chirstmas took it all in and brought me up to the menu in light speed. It first clicked Quit game, then Quit game again in that menu, and a final are you sure you want to Quit with Q's being all their hot keys. Right before my very eyes, I see 'good game asshole' from his allly and my favorite map fades from my view. That cheap little son of a bitch made me forfiet the game...right then and there I just shitted, and pissed my pants at the same time. Infact, I think I was so pissed that the hunk of turd bursted through my seat in my anger. I stood up, brought my shamed self to the bathroom, and took another shower.
After putting on my third set of pants, I returned to the empty channel, with no one I could whine too. I slowly clicked on the play game bar and searched for my favorite map. Well, once again, it switched me to a different map...lone and behold the last map was a once in a life time chance. Anyways, the map was 'Stromaguard,' or however you spell it, and was pretty cool. I played 2v2 this time so somone could warn me of the dangers ahead when someone tried a sneaky shit like that, or to have somone to go down with me. I also forgot, in my anger, to select my race. I was brought to the undead, about my 3rd best race. (They go in order like this, Humans, Orcs, Undead, and Night Elf) I also had a n00b as my ally. This game was already looking grim from the start. I quickly set out to build my Alter of Darkness, two ziggarauts, and one Crypt. My n00b ally asked me in a very sweet tone, "Ok now what?" I scrolled over to his base to see two men mining, and about three standing there, sipping their tea, twiddling their thumbs, proding their stomachs...that sort of stuff. I told him, "Dude!! Build two farms, and a Alter of Kings, hurry hurry!!" But, to my luck, he had about...oh a 1k connection and took two minutes to achive the well-in-reach task. I also stuck up for myself and told him that I wasn't going to hold his hand (Which I ended up doing) for the whole game and he had to build, and train, and upgrade on his own like a big boy. So, lone-and-behold, he, after building those buildings, went out building a barracks, and a tower (He already built a lumbermill instead of another farm like I asked him...). I on the other hand had already started to creep, with my Dreadlord and five ghouls. After clearing out the first expo nearest to me, and gaining a deserving one level to my Dreadlord, I scrolled over to his base to check up on him. He kinda sat there, and did nothing, wiht all he built. I asked him, "Haven't you ever played single player?" and he responded, "Yes, aginst the computer." (Like hes gonna play my mom on single player...) So I told him to start playing like he did, and start training about four footmen and a Pally, and start creeping!! By this time I had moved across a little bridge that lead into a town in the middle of the map. Just in case you don't know the map 'Stromaguard' I'll kinda explain it to you. It is just four islands with a town in the center, the town surrounded with a river, with each little starting base and first expo being on an island. Theres a little bridge that leads from each starting island into the city, so you can get the point how we got to eachother to slash and gash eachothers sholders off. Anyways, I advanced into the town, over the bridge, and cleared out the first little store of creeps, and gained yet another well deserved level. But, then, the worst possible thing that might happen, which would lead to a crazy event that even made me write this battle report. My ally had lagged out. *Drama music* I was left in the wind with a crud human civilization, and a fair undead civilization. Well, "civilization," if you can even call it that...
This is where I started to cook up a little sceme in my head...the most desperate of all plans. But it was my only choice, because between me talking to my little n00b friend, and me barily touching my base, I saw but no chance in winning. So, I will tell you my great endover that I would soon preform. Well not really tell you but I'll tell you what I did! I gathered everything, down to the peons that worked for me, and prepared for a siege on an island. I tip-toed my force of farm rabble and dirt down there in the middle of the night to what-I-thought-to-be a occupied island. I was so quiet, you could hear a mouse fart. You see kids, this here map is used for six players, I, as if you little rascles were paying attention to me when I said it, selected 2v2...bad idea. I infact, was planning a huge desperate siege on an uncharted island. As soon as I got there I thought, oh dude I'm sooooo sneaky. I should have said to myself, which in fact I did, that I am sooooo stupid too. Anyways, I took my ally's peasents and made a farm wall to block off the bridge, to keep their pesky forces out for a tad bit while I destroyed their town. And I built another farm wall where I thought their base was on the island, which it wasn't even on that island in the first place, and started construction on two barracks to back my rabbled farm forces up with my husky footmen. Well, what I did encounter was three golems...and then it hit me. I was attacking the wrong island. So I quickly destroyed my little flimsy farm wall, and rushed to the inhabited island. I would not make the same mistake. I was not so quiet that time, I probably stepped on the little unpolite mouse that farted in the first place when I was such a quiet little thing. I ran over there and I encountered some resistance from an expo in the big city in the middle of the map. My cover - blown. My plan - not going so hot so far.
I arrived not with much time on my hands, as they were sieging my base as well. I quickly thrashed their towers that they were hastly building in front of their base, and destroyed the few footmen that I encountered. I constructed a necroples in their base, just to make sure my undead survived a bit longer, then I continued with my riot-like siege. I got to their little place, and started randomly attacking poor malitia and footmen that got in my way. Like a frail of tiny fists beating on a hardend red wood, they soon fell to my wrath. But their main force was not so easily defeated, as they teleported in to beat me. I was beated like a small helpless child, and was droven back to defeat.
I had lost the game...and my story is over. What rabble could have done if he didn't have a force was win. But, he did. So...I guess its over. I hope you really liked my report...cuz I really laughed at my game when I finished. They were baffauled to see me doing such a thing. It was pretty funny to see my little people getting beaton. Well...I'm outie. Cya all. |
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