First off, props to Tempus for introducing me to this game. Second, this report was sitting on my HD for a year and every time I read it, I laughed. Now after reading it a hundred times, I think it is time for me to release it to the public. As you might have guessed, I'm doing a report on America's Army, an online game developed by the military to give recruits a taste of the Army before they become … well, recruits. This game, like Chinese made goods, is cheap (actually its free) unless you count the millions of U.S. taxpayer dollars that went into making this game.

This is an online game, which is focused on squad-based tactics in simulated real world environments. Like it's real life counterpart, you have to learn the basics before you start playing online. The basics consist of running and shooting but you could always take more training, which would give you a better chance of surviving on the online battlefield. For example, if you take the sniper courses and pass you can become a sniper on maps that allow them.

Since I'm a Counter-Strike whore, doing all the training was easy and after playing online for a few days I realized how similar this game was to CS. In all servers, the player's (thats you) team is the US Army, and the enemy's is the Opposing forces (OPFOR), who are the terrorists. The goal of playing online is getting higher honor, which you can gain by playing a lot, killing, not dying, and not violating ROE (Rules of Engagement) by TKing (team-killing). Anyway this is my basic description of America's Army… I hoped you like it.

On a sad, lonely and snowy night I couldn't do anything else but stare at my computer screen. As my small, sensitive balls cuddled closer to my body for warmth (24 degrees outside), I turned my computer on hoping it would work, as I accidentally clicked yes on installing a program from one of those ads on battlereports.com. Anyway, I loaded up America's Army and fired up a Bridge Special Edition server. If you haven't read Tempus's report, Bridge SE is basically a map where there is a bridge that the attackers have to cross in order to reach the tunnel. Since the assault team usually didn't make across the bridge in the original Bridge map, the developers added paths around making it easier on the assault team. Here is a map overview. Once I connected I, unlike the people who play (whore) for honor, picked the loosing side -defenders- and picked the sniper class.

I patiently waited for the round to end (round times are 10 minutes each) and once the next round started, I quickly ran to a ridge that overlooked the defensive side of the bridge. I put up my bipod so I would get an even more accurate shot and waited and waited. I waited even more when I couldn't take it anymore. I ran around the ridge to cover the other path so that no one would be trying to get by me to get to the tunnel. As I lied down, the round ended without me firing a shot. It seemed that a sneaky terrorist had gotten by my teammates and reached the tunnel.

I was really pissed and I didn't want to spend the next round staring at my screen hoping a terrorist with a bad sense of direction would walk by. The next round started and I ran to the stairs that led to the defensive building over the bridge and lied down to watch the trail that flanked the bridge. I waited for a while and became irritated. I stood up and ran to the ridge that overlooked the bridge (the same place as last round). As I was running, I saw a terrorist come off the bridge. He became trigger happy and started to discharge 7.62mm AK47 rounds at me while I was making a mad dash for the cover of the ridge. As my adrenaline started pumping, I managed to run to the ridge without being shot. When I stopped running, I pulled out my pistol (when you are running you cannot use any weapons) and made sure he was not close to my position.

As I hastily looked around, waiting for the guy to come back to finish his job off, I dropped my body down to the snowy ground and took out my sniper rifle. I looked around for the guy and found him. He was running up the ridge after me but he fell to the ground, as I became surgical with my rifle. Then I was looking around trying to see if anyone else was around. I found another one looking into a doorway and set my sights on his head. I shot off a round but it missed because I was breathing in and the scope went up. I quickly let out "SHIT" and manually reloaded my sniper rifle. I put the scope back up to find that the guy was not there anymore. I looked around and found him on the stairs that led to the defensive building. I pulled up my scope, dispatched that dirty bastard and noticed that I had finished off the last terrorist, as the round was over.

As the next round began to commence, I noticed our team only had 4 people on it. I only hoped that the opposing team had less people. I raced to the same ridge and began looking for targets. I found one that jumped behind a concrete barrier on the side of the bridge. I noticed that he noticed that I was noticing him as I let off a shot that whizzed by him (take your time to digest that sentence). He was popping his head up and down looking to see if I was still on the ridge. Unfortunatly for him, he held his head up for too long as he flew back from the force of a bullet penetrating his face. As I took a screenshot of his body falling back, I noticed the OPFOR were assaulting the bridge, as multiple smoke grenades went off. I looked around for signs of an assault and found none. It must have been a lonely terrorist with a couple of smoke grenades on him, trying to freak us out into thinking that there were more so that we would run away. It didn't work as I found him hiding rather close to the ridge that I was occupying. I couldn't get a clean shot at him since he was hiding behind this wall but he couldn't stay low for long. I capped him and noticed that my teammate -Zeigy- needed backup at the ridge that covered the entrance of the trail, which goes around the bridge.

When I reached his position, I looked around and didn't see anything. I let out a sigh of relief, since I couldn't do much good in this constrained, wooden area with my sniper rifle. As I looked around for a last time I saw a 40mm frag grenade slug spiraling towards me. I couldn't do anything but watch as the grenade blew up in my face. It was heartbreaking to die after these 2 good rounds but it was not over yet. Zeigy watched me explode and vowed to avenge me…I hoped. He hid behind the cover of a rock until he saw my killer sneak around. He lodged a 40mm frag grenade from his 203(the weapon Tony Montana used in the last battle in Scarface) into the terrorist's chest, taking him down. Zeigy then ran to cover the tunnel and, after waiting a few minutes, took care of the last OPFOR terrorist that wanted to escape.

I praised Zeigy when the next round started and raced to the same ridge where I've been camping for the last couple of rounds. As I plopped down onto the snow, I looked in my scope and found a terrorist looking dead at me. I was confused at first but then confusion turned into panic, as tracers from his machine gun arced overhead. I tried to crawl away but couldn't do it fast enough. This turned out to be one of those "OH SHIT" moments where you ask yourself, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, IDIOT?" Nevertheless, the round was not over. We were getting raped (anally), as some teammates were shot to shit while others were blown up. One interesting moment was Zeigy with his 203. He was waiting for his prey behind the same big rock where he always camps, when 2 OPFOR terrorists walked out of the trees. Zeigy let out his slug first and one second later a terrorist let out a slug from his Kalashnikov equivalent of the 203. In a matter of 2 seconds, two OPFOR terrorists were killed and Zeigy … died.

There was one more guy still alive on our team: Dawnkill. He was directly in front of the tunnel making sure no one would escape. The OPFOR, who were also rushing the bridge, made their way up the ridge to find him crouching in the middle of the road. Things did not look good for Dawnkill, as multiple terrorists popped out of the cover of the ridge. One guy was capped by Dawnkill as he stood up and the other guy took notice and sat back down. Another terrorist tried bunny-hopping his way out of the gunfire but, unfortunately for him, he bunny-hopped down the ledge into the deep chasm below the bridge... he didn't survive. The remaining terrorist chucked smoke grenades over the top so Dawnkill wouldn't be able to see him. Then he ran out shooting his pistol, which meant that he was a sniper (only snipers get pistols). Our hopes became high, as the shootout was drawing to a close, with Dawnkill going up to the ridge where the last terrorist was hiding. The terrorist sniper, which was revealed later, was bait for Dawnkill. Another terrorist came out the side of the ridge and dispatched Dawnkill. With that, the assault team won the match 4 to 3.

Since we didn't have enough people for the second match, I c ouldn't pick the sniper class so I picked the SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon - a machine gun) class. I ran around everywhere looking for some action. As I ran from one place to another, the rest of my teammates were doing pretty good, with a big portion of the OPFOR team was getting rammed. I got disheartened because I didn't see any action this round but all was not lost. Zeigy called for backup on his ridge. I ran up and chucked a frag grenade, hoping that its shrapnel would hit somebody. It didn't, but action did come. I ran to check if anybody was walking on the cliff to get behind us. A wise-ass (word taken from the interrogators comments of Saddam) terrorist thought he could flank us without anybody noticing him. A very fierce firefight broke out and I was hit once and started bleeding. Good thing that SAW could spew bullets like vomit from a breast-fed baby. His AK kept firing until it suddenly stopped… my thought: he's reloading. I ran up the hill that divided us and saw him staring at me like a retard. Seconds later, as I overlooked the terrorist's smoking carcass, the round ended.

Congratulated by Zeigy on my "fine shooting" (unknown to him that I was spaying and praying), I was looking forward to do some killing this round. I hid behind the stairs that led to the defensive building over the bridge, looking towards the trail that led around the bridge. I saw something move, so I shot off 30 bullets but then a bullet hit me from nowhere. I screamed, "MEDIC" and one rushed towards me to fix me up. As he was patching my wound another bullet hit me. This one took me down and I found out that a sniper was hidden behind a tree on the trail that had a perfect view of our team, who were now all hiding behind the defensive arch that lead to the bridge. The next minute was not pretty as a single 203 slug wiped out 2 soldiers. The trail was the chief problem to our defense now, as the sniper and the 203s were bombarding our position. One by one all of my teammates died, even Zeigy.

The next round I quickly ran up into the defensive tower, hoping to evade the firestorm that the sniper and 203s would provide. I saw one OPFOR member climbing the tower stairs. I opened fire and in the process, caused the enemy 203 to spot the tracers coming from my weapon and open fire on me. I ran out of the building because it would become a death trap, as 203 slugs exploding in cramped areas would not be prettiest thing you can imagine. I ran out and saw another soldier was screaming, "MEDIC" As I was running towards the wounded soldier (to give the medic some cover when he came), a 203 round exploded nearby killing both of us… another "OH SHIT!" moment.

As I was waiting for the round the end, an admin came in. As he came in, we were watching Zeigy having a shootout with this terrorist. At point blank range, this terrorist nub could not kill Zeigy. The admin started to laugh and I wasn't amused that much, so I said, "sad." I guess the admin didn't like people who disagreed with him and he kicked me. I also guess he didn`t support the policy of free speech of an Army that gave so many countries that privilege… Of course at that time I wasn't thinking that way. I almost broke my mouse and keyboard, brutally beating them against my table. Thankfully Microsoft built them; they are really durable since they survived last nights beating (not intended to sound gay).

I want to say that I hope you all had a fun time reading this report as I had writing it. Good day.