This is Turbo_Noob, delving into the recent trend of non-starcraft reports to bring to the masses one of the greatest games of our time. Thief, arguably the first (and best) ever stealth game, it takes the wit and skill of a true taffer (Taffer: A rogue, thief, trickster. Expression most often used as a cuss-word and for name-calling, but also known to be adopted by thieves as a honorable distinction.) to pull through the game with not only managing to swipe the required amount of loot and complete all the required objectives to finish the mission, but to do it all without being caught. This method is also known as "Ghosting" and depending on the level can either be the proverbial cake-walk, or hell on earth. The level I will be attempting to ghost through on expert difficulty in this report is called "Lord Bafford's Manor", a bread-and-butter rob-the-castle style mission and not a particularily hard one, but I'm guessing the majority of the viewers of this report have had very little experience with Thief, and so it is the perfect mission to introduce the genre with. Of course, for the purpose of making an interesting report, I can't truly ghost through the level. I will try my hardest not to alarm the guards, but BJing (BJing means "blackjacking" or "hitting them in the back of the head with a club", you pervert) them and other such activities is out of the question. And so without further ado, I present to you; Thuggin' It.

For this mission I decided to buy two extra water arrows in addition to the healing potion, eight water arrows, thirty six broadheaded arrows, sword, and blackjack I originally started out with. Below is a brief description of what my original inventory's items do, feel free to skip this if you've already played thief because it will consist of nothing but what you already know.

The Sword: It isn't very stealthy (or allowed on expert) for a taffer like myself to carry around a bulky longsword, and likewise I don't plan on using this. If you were planning on a full description of what a sword looks like, it's a large pointy slab of metal. You hold it by the not pointy end and hit someone with the pointy end to make it work.

The Blackjack: The thief's pride and joy, this little black club of doom is responsible for Bjing more people then Paris Hilton on a Friday night. Once a foe is struck with this they fall to the floor unconcious, but even better, the blow does not count as a kill and so it is able to be used even when mission objectives state you may not kill anyone, like on this one's.

Healing Potions: The generic vial of red stuff that can heal anything and everything. Nobody has ever seemed to be able to explain how these work, or why simplefolk in medieval eras can invent medicine that works faster and better then those of modern ages.

Water Arrows: These little packages of water strapped to the end of an arrow are used to put out lights from long range and clean up blood spills.

Broadheaded Arrows: The last item on my list, arrows are usually shot from a bow or thrown quite hard at someone. Their only purpose in this game is to ventilate an opponent's skull, and since I will not be allowed to kill foes on this mission, they are completely useless.

As you can see on the above map, Garret (The person you are playing as throughout the game) has thoughtfully cluttered the map with his own personal notes. The red arrow was drawn by me in MS PAINT and marks the route I plan on taking. Avoiding the path he blantantly pointed out as being the wrong one, I will simply sneak past the lone guard and slip into the well, then climb up into Bafford's Manor. Hopefully not through the toilet, but hey, 700 coins is 700 coins.

And so the adventure begins, I slip past the front entrance unnoticed, and walk through a backalley unhindered except for a townsperson whom I hide from in the shadows as he unwaringly wanders past me. He is no threat to me, and knocking him out would only cause further troubles if his body is found, and so I let him pass unmolested. In a niche in the side of the road I collect one broadheaded arrow and one water arrow as distinctly marked on the map, and continue on. A lone guard patrols the alleyway I am sneaking through, but again blackjacking him would only cause alarm if someone found the body, and so he too is allowed to survive the night without incident. Thinking that was the guard indicated on the map, I round the corner and come face to face with a guard. Luckily for me, he is wasted.

Now I don't usually take advantage of drunk people ;) but he was also holding the key to the door behind him, which leads to the well. So I quickly snatched the key from his waist and entered the wellhouse. Making a leap of faith down the hole, I landed in the sewers, and after a delightful swim through the ass-extract encrusted waters, I came to an area with a large hole dug in one of the sides. I could have kept going in the intended direction, but always the one to explore new holes, I swam under the water and through it. Coming out on the other end I found a cavern with a treasure chest in it, which is also apparently a breeding ground for giant spiders (left). Undaunted by their odd noises and jerky motions, I proceed to leap and bunny hop my way to the treasure chest, nimbly avoiding the arachnids as well as collecting a sapphire ring worth an astounding 100 coins from the chest. With a seventh of my loot goal already collected I swam back through the hole, and continued on to Bafford's Manor.

After a short swim, I entered a dimly lit cellar through a large broken section of the wall. I have infiltrated Bafford's basement.

Goal Complete: Sneak into Lord Bafford's Manor

With a careful sweep of the room to make sure no one was watching, I slipped out of my hiding place and into a flight of stairs to the south. They lead to a small, isolated, hexagon-shaped room lit by a single torch. The area was barren of anything of interest, but I noted it as a possible body hiding area and backtracked to the room with two pillars. Hoping it's twin would hold something more, I entered the other southern hexagonal room looking for loot. Inside I found not only a golden pot worth 100 coins, but a stairway to the second floor. As I still had unfinished business with the first level (by which I mean looting it), I made a mental note of the area and returned yet again to the pillar room. On my return I find a note posted on the western pillar I had missed before.

As the note clearly states, most of the servantry won't be about, as well as Lord Bafford himself. The guards will still be in top notch condition, but every less person I have to sneak past counts. Moving along, I opened a door to the North, and entered a very decorative room with lots of fancy pictures and what looked like a coffin in the middle. Finding a gold plate and a fancy looking vase on a table at the end of the room, my treasure count was brought up to 305, steadily rising towards its goal of 700. With nothing else of value in the room, I crept north again opening a second door leading to the topmost room. As I entered the area I noticed it was identical to the pillar room, identical but with two slight differences, there was no dark hiding place ready, and a guard was about to discover me. Without missing a beat, I drew my bow and let a water arrow take out the torch lighting the area between the pillars. The guard paused for a moment as he tried to work the rusty gears of his A.I to figure out how that happened, and I slipped into the newly created darkness. Sensing something amiss, the watchman began searching the room for troublemakers. The guard and I then danced around for a while, he being quite certain someone was there, and both of us circled the two pillars until he gave up his search continued his patrol elsewhere, entering the room I had just came from. Safe at last and satisfied with my makeshift hidey hole, this is the perfect time for a game update.

Goals:

-Sneak into Lord Bafford's Manor
-Steal the Jewelled Scepter
-Grab 700 coins worth of loot (305 found)
-Not kill anyone

Updated Map:

Key:

Red X: Where I am now
Red Arrow: Path I plan to take
Green Arrow: Known paths I have taken

Using the cover of darkness thanks to my water arrow, I began searching both the hexagonal rooms, keeping a sharp eye out for guards. The stairless room is similar to it's brother in the sense that it has absolutely nothing of value, or a fucking purpose. Yet the second yields a bottle of expensive liquor worth 50 coins, and a stairway to the second floor. But I still have a nagging feeling there is more to find on this level, and so I return to the Northern pillar room. Ducking into the dark part of the pillar room I made with the water arrow to let the patrolling guard pass, I notice an unexplored passageway to the East. The door leads to a dark storeroom filled with bottles and other useless objects. But a door to the south catches my eye, and once opened reveals a cozy little kitchen.

Now as I was sitting down and eating through Bafford's foodstocks, my eyes wandered to the ceiling and I began to wonder exactly what was up there. The wondering brought me back to the reality that I still had a job to do, and so I decided to stop lumbering about the first floor in search of loot and delicious appetizers, and make my way to the second floor. Sneaking past the few guards that patrolled the way to the Northen staircase, I was soon on the second and most difficult level of the mission. Even as I entered the first room, a patrolling guard began to wander into it, and I was forced to use another water arrow on a nearby torch to cover my existance. The incoming guard stuttered for a second at the loss of light, and soon began searching the room for anyone who could have done it. After a few moments of searching the dark room, he gave up. Baaaaaad choice friend. Within seconds I was right behind him, and so was my blackjack. His body was fashionably dumped ontop of the table, and I continued on. In an attempt to get my bearings, I ran into a small room to the south and checked my map.

Above is the map for the second floor, as well as my ingenius plan. Basically I'm going to wander around the second floor until I get 700 loot then go for the scepter, brilliant no? Anyways, following my map I moved North, then Westwards into a small bedroom. To the North of the room I find something not labeled on my map, a small guard room populated by two men, one with a bow and one with a sword. EEP I back out of the room before they notice me and turn around, only to find yet another thing in the small room not marked on my map, a staircase. Apparently leading to an attic full of treasure, I climb upwards. After searching the attic for a moment, I found a chest with a stack of silver coins bringing my count to 567 YAY! After finding nothing else, I returned to the corridors and continue North. Passing a staircase to my left, I find yet another bedroom/guard room area. Knowing the drill, I avoid the ajoining guard room and head up the staircase. Instead of a dusty attic, it lead to a small abandoned barracks, the chests at the foot of each bed contained little but a few scraps of food and a stack of coins adding 10 to my collection, which is know 479 coins strong. The Western side of the second floor was decidedly barren of any treasure now, and so I moved North, then East. Passing a small balcony courtyard on my right I entered through a metal door to the East. What I found there, was a library. A glinting necklace to the far corner of the room caught my eye, and I quickly snatched it from the table it was resting on. Turning around the library was filled with little else then books and scrolls.

Now an ancient cliche of libraries is that they're supposed to have secret passageways, usually opened by pulling on a special book, right? And those passageways usually lead to treasure or a secret labratory, right? Well then, that was my reasoning to start pulling every book in search of one. After a few million right clicks later, all the books of the library were thrown about the floor and every inch of the place had been right clicked on without hint of a secret passage (odd because I could have sworn one was there when I played the game before). Disheartened I exited the library and continued down the hall with no guards in sight, entering a room on my left and closing the door behind me. Casing the room at first revealed nothing, but then... there on a table on the lefthand side of the room was a glorious pile of cash able to give any thief a wet dream. Four piles of coins and a necklace, bringing my total loot to 852 coins, BOOYA!

Goal Complete:Grab 700 coins worth of loot

Yet upon exiting the room, I was forced to dash back into the shadows, as a great evil began searching for me, a great evil known to mankind as: THE ELITE GUARD. These claymore toting bastards can kill a thief in three hits, and can take nearly triple that in damage. They ain't yo daddy's guard. The one weakness of the elite guard is the same as the others, if you hide from them, they can't do batshit about it. But while I was hiding from the super guard, I noticed a glint at his side. He was carrying a key, a key that would obviously be required to unlock something important if only the elites were allowed to carry them. Risking my life in regular Turbo_Noob fashion, I carefully crept up behind him while he was still searching, and snatched the key from his belt. Score! But there is still one more problem, now I have to get to the throne room through a brightly lit hallway patrolled by Elite Guards. A deep breath was taken, a few seconds passed as I waited for two of the guards to pass, and like some kind of cat-man creature I managed to run through a brightly lit hallway, open a locked door with a pickpocketed key, and dash into a dark corner of the room. And.... CRAP! Below you can find a screenshot of what I had to do now.

For those of you who have never played thief, that is clearly an elite guard standing in the doorway between me and the throne room. And what is in the throneroom class? That's right! The scepter! If that wasn't enough of a bitch, one of the guards had seen me dash across the hall and was now hot on my tail. With his footsteps getting closer and the other guard not moving from his position between me and the scepter, I muttered a prayer, readied my flashbombs, and slipped on my running shoes because it was bunny hopping time. Like a hellborn madman I ran straight towards the guard standing in the doorway as the door opened and the other guard gave chase. In the middle of the room we all paused for what seemed a brief moment. A few glances were exchanged, a drop of sweat ran down my face, and the chaos begun. The first guard moved towards the gong, attempting to sound the alarm, the second came straight for me. It seemed I was done for, but from my yellow handbag of tricks I pulled a flashbomb and...
GG GUARDS!
Both guards were stunned from the blast for a few seconds, a few seconds I used to run into the next room, snatch the scepter, and run like hell. I dashed out of the throne room and onto the second floor, scepter in one hand flashbangs in the other. I didn't get a few feet from the door to the throne room before one of the guards must have recovered and hit the gong, an alarm immediately came up around the manor. Running down the stairs, feet barely touching the ground, one of the guards yelled "HALT!" but if anything that just made me hold down the "w" button harder. Within seconds the entire guard force of the manor was chasing me as I ran like a bat out of hell towards the exit. I didn't get a screenshot of this but if you want a reinactment simply rent "The Blues Brothers" the movie and fast forward to the part where the entire national guard and police force of Chicago are chasing the two brothers. That is about what this looked like, but without the class. The guards tried their best to catch me, but sadly an entire lifetime of training at guard school is no match for a fifteen year old kid holding down "w" and pressing "space". I needed to use only one healing potion in the process, and within seconds I was out on the city streets, leaving the guards to come up with an explanation as to how all of them couldn't catch a little man in tights and a hood. GG Guards no re.

Credits
MS PAINT: For proving that you don't need photoshop to draw a large red penis.
Mattzarella: For teaching me how to do stuff with this and and proofreading :D (done on purpose you asshole)
Decay_: Best wank ever
Novice Keeper's Lexicon: For the description of "Taffer"
And lastly, Jenna Jameson: Second best wank ever, sorry Jenna, good luck next year

And by the way, make lots and lots of comments because I would really like to learn how to make decent battlereports as soon as possible. KTHX!