Me Hasu Chobo Newb K

Not too long ago, in that mysterious region of b.net known as nh ED-Hikaru666, wakiki, ouch[3x], and myself were deciding what to play. The decision came in a spark of imagination...or just habit, we would ffa. Despite wak's objections that he "didn't want to play right now", ouch made the game on Martian Cross.

Luckily for wak, one of ouch's friends joined the game and wak was able to observe instead of play. The game began with me drawing z at the bottom right, hikaru p at the bottom left, ouch t at top left and his friend t at top right. I went 2 expos before pool, and was un-disturbed while the 3 fought each other. Of course, I won, and was immediately called a newb turtler who couldn't win fairly by ouch. He then demanded a 1v1.

Now, I've never really given a shit about assinine testosterone displays (at least not without a good looking female in attendance) so this just seemed dumb to me. But I'm not one to back down from a challenge, so I accepted. I join the game, finding ouch and two of his friends already in game with wakiki and hikaru close in tow. While I was dling the map (version of temple I had never heard of before) hikaru /f m's "maar, leave now, the map is rigged."

Now, I've heard of people playing on rigged maps before, I've even been asking to do a report on one by a nipple clanner (sorry man, haven't had time :/) but for a member of [3x], generally a fairly skilled team to do it boggled my mind.

Wishing to just get this dumbass' display of inferior penis size out of the way, I stay in game and inform my friends that "I'm gonna cheese his ass." Now what cheese to perform?

The Game

Ouch picks Terran as his race, among a stream of "you can't even play fairly you ffa playing newb" (paraphrased, but this was the jist of it) and "I'm going to own you so hard." I simply reply with, "I hope so, you're in 3x, I'm just some nobody newb."

I, of course, random hoping that I will get Terran so I can hear him whine, "I hate TvT, omg you suck rm newb" (well, I figure he'd say that at least, haven't seen much maturity so far) but instead I get protoss at the 3 o'clock start.

I contemplate just leaving my probes and not mining, so he can get what he wants, but cheesing him sounds much more fun. ;) I start with the usual 8pylon/10 gate scout after gate, finding ouch at 9 with wall in place. I add in an assimilator on 12 and a cyber core on 14 (yeah, I'm the most boring P ever ;p).

My probe settles in beside the farthest south mineral patch in ouch's natural, while my second pylon warps in. His scouting scv attempts to harass one of my mining probes, but the probe survives and the scv survives not.

After being sure no gundam rush was coming for me, I take my scouting probe and move it into the gulley between 9 and 6 mains. I build a pylon there and continue building goons at home, blocking my ramp with a single goon with the others a decent way behind.

Once my gulley pylon finishes, I begin a robotics facility. Of course, I have not researched goon range, because gas is precious in this build. At this point, with 2 goons finished and another on the way, I send one of them to my gulley base and use the other to hold my ramp.

Once my robo fac finishes, I begin a robotics support bay and a shuttle. At this point, I notice a couple of vultures coming to my ramp. The first two run up to my goon on the ramp and one of them lays a mine while the other dies. I focus fire of both goons on the mine and destroy it. Another vulture comes in at this time, and lays a mine below my ramp. I send one of the goons into the middle of the vultures, hoping to trigger the mine and kill the vults. I leave the other goon on the ramp. Always protect those probes.;)

My plan works, and I clear out the 4 vultures and their mines at the cost of only one dragoon.

My support bay finishes, and I begin a reaver. Then I get goon range, to better deal with future vulture harass and to be more cost-effective versus drops and small groups of tanks.

Another group of vultures (2) return, and lay mines at the bottom of my ramp. This time, I micro poorly, and loose a goon to mines and my other two take fairly severe damage. Nevertheless, both vultures are eliminated.

While this is going on, I begin researching shuttle speed and contemplating an expansion.

Instead of taking my natural, I warp in another gateway. My reaver finishes and I queue up the scarabs, load up the reaver and goon and head for the mineral line.

I fly in and take stock of the situation. I wasn't positive that hikaru was right about the rigged map (I didn't think he was lying, just that he might have been mistaken about the version) but I knew as soon as I saw ouch's base that it was true. With the number of scvs in the mineral line, and the fact that he had 3 factories I could only shake my head at the ridiculousness of the situation. There is no way he could afford all that playing regularly, if he could he should be in Korea. ;)

I drop off the dragoon, and take no fire. I then drop off the reaver and pop a buttload of scvs in the first shot. The remaining scvs start to run, but I get another 4 shots off on workers, killing the majority of them.

A tank and a few vultures pop out of the factories, and the tank immediately sieges up. But, as everybody knows, a reaver with a shuttle > sieged tanks. Unfortuantely, as I was about to unload, 3 more tanks arrived on the scene and convinced me to run away.

With my opponent in his base, at least for the moment, I make a move. I take my 4 goons and move into the middle killing a few mines and scvs along the way.

I add in a few more pylons and upgrade reaver capacity (they harass so well). I also begin another reaver.

I lose two of my goons to ouch's tanks after moving too close, so I back off just behind his mineral natural. I also warp in an observatory, forge, and a couple of gateways.

I take this time to begin weapons upgrade 1, getting observer speed, and taking an expansion at 12 main. As my goons in the mid receive some reinforcements, ouch "convinces" me to return to my base.

About that time, I take my shuttle with it's 2 reaver payload and return to ouch's mineral line. Unfortunately, I lose the shuttle and both reavers to turret/tank fire (yeah, I know...chobo, sue me). At this point, I'm making observers and have an expansion warping in, but I also have 7 tanks and a couple of scvs at the bottom of my ramp with only my probes and a few dragoons to defend with.

What would a great player do in this situation? Call his opponent a cheating fag and leave? I thought about it, but I decide against it.

Of course, those 3 dragoons buy the farm in no time, but I have the most gosu of defenders left and I decide it is time to break out...

Yes, that's right boys and girls, I broke out the good old ninja probes. At the same time, goons arrived from all 4 gateways (no citadel so no speedlots :/). The combined fury of the probes and dragoons eliminate 4 tanks and reduce one to 13 hp.

Because I was desperate I queued up a zealot in each gateway, and when they arrive they finish off the remaining two tanks.

After the last one of those dies, I begin probes at my expansion and start 3 new goons. The zealots are moved to my ramp to deal with future tank interference.

Unfortunately for me, zealots without the speed upgrade don't do so well against unsieged tanks and they do even worse against vultures. And that is just what hit me about the time my zeals got to the ramp. With the last of my zeals dead all I can do is call a grudging "gg".

Post-Game

Of course, my opponent takes this opportunity to gloat about his skill while I just concede to his theory of self-superiority. I have little doubt that he would have beaten me without being cheap, but this way he just shows how utterly gay he is.

No lessons learned, nothing important to take away from this report except that this is just a game, people. Getting pissed about it and turning it into a dick measuring contest is just dumb, chill out. That kind of attitude doesn't help anybody, and it 's bad for your heart. ;)

Comments are welcomed, flames are welcomed, just don't expect me to think this is somehow justified or not gay.

For those interested, the replay may be found here.

Thanks for your time,