SCV Rush with Sloppy Seconds!
Another report from the twisted mind of The O

Before we get into this sloppy report, I thought I would once again set the mood by telling a little story about what happened with me and my girlfriend.
   My Girlfriend is extremely Horny. I mean like insanely horny. I had to go away last week on a little trip so I knew I had to find something to "entertain" her, or she would surely cheat on me to fill her rampant desires of lust. So I head down to this sex shop in Jamaica town and I start talking to the owner.
   "How can I help you sir?"
   "I'm looking for something to satisfy my girlfriend while I'm away for a week. I need something very special"
   "Well let me see. Ah yes mon, I have jus the thing."
   "Well what is it?"
   He then proceeds to pull out this wooden box. It looks really old and has some weird writing on it
   "This is a Voodoo Dick" he explains.
   "A Voodoo Dick?"
   "Yes, you simply tell it what you want it to fuck, and it will screw like crazy until you say "Voodoo Dick my Box" at which time it will return to the box. Now you gotta be careful and remember because this thing screws so hard it could kill your mistress!"
"Show me!" I say
"Voodoo Dick The Door"!!
And sure enough the Voodoo Dick jumps out and starts screwing the door so hard it almost busts! "Voodoo Dick Box" and it returned!
I laugh and buy it immediately. As I get home I tell my girl:
"Now listen honey. I got you a little present here. It's called the Voodoo Dick. You just tell it what you want it to fuck and it does! To stop it just say 'Voodoo Dick My Box'  
I go away, satisfied that at least she would find it to be a great joke. Of course she doesn't believe a word of what I'm saying, so she takes the package and drives to her aunts. On the way she laughs to herself, and half jokingly says
"Voodoo Dick my Pussy" Wham! It jumps out and starts screwing her like crazy as she drives. She's all over the road and barely able to contain herself. A cop pulls her over and she remembers the command and says "Voodoo Dick My Box". It returns.
The Cop walks up and says
"Miss, your all over the road. Have you been drinking?"
"No officer. You see I have this Voodoo Dick and it wouldn't Stop screwing me! I couldn't concentrate enough to drive!"
The cop starts laughing and says to her
"Voodoo Dick My ASS!"

Well if you got through that, here's the battle report!

Let's get one thing straight. This doesn't even remotely resemble what one could call a "hot" or "exciting" battle report. It details my daily struggle with that bastard the CPU, and my final attempt at humiliating it once and for all! In fact if I cared one bit about my "lifetime" rating, I sure as hell wouldn't publish this one under my name. LOL, seriously though, it is kinda amusing.

    It all started this morning when I was enjoying my "private" time in the shower. I'd left my computer on last night after barely staying awake to finish my "Little probe that could" report. Just as I was getting to the "peak" of my shower I hear this digitized voice coming from the computer room.
   "Get your punk ass over here bitch!"
What was this? I quickly jumped out of the shower and headed into the puter' room to see who was giving me the smack talk. But there was no-one there! I turned around to go back, when I heard:
    "That's right you pansy ass, get over here so I can kick your ass!"
That's it! I'd had just about enough of this shit! I stormed back into the room to see who was mocking me. That's when I distinctly hear a laughing sound coming from the speakers! I would show that CPU once and for all. I would kick it's ass from here to Kansas. I quickly changed into my battle gear and got ready for some action!

The beatdown Commenceth

The map was challenger. The CPU was set to insane. And I solemnly swore I would beat that computer with nothing but SCV's! That's right, a deadly SCV rush to wipe his smug ass off the face of the planet for good! During this game I used nothing but good ol' SCV's, and some crazy micro skills. Here's the map incase you're a complete moron who's never played challenger before. I was Orange Terran in the Bottom, and the CPU was Red Zerg in the top. And No I didn't resort to cheating. Some of the pics are hilarious, so please give them the chance to load.

The game was on! I knew I had to act fast in order to get the CPU before it got zerglings. You see, the CPU is extraordinarily dumb. If you attack with one SCV early, you can get all the enemy drones to follow you around, essentially making sure the CPU has very little economy. That's what I did right off the start. I hotkey'd my "hot" little CC so I could pump SCV's while microing lil' joey here. My brave lone SCV. Unfortunately I could only micro him so long before the CPU finally got the better of him.

Here's Joey making a run for it. He gave his life bravely, shortly hereafter.

I had to act fast. I sent in Joey's cousin, Enrico, to finish what Joey started. Enrico was fast. Damn fast. He must of gotten trained jumping the border fences and dodging the INS before they could pick him up. After I had 2 depots and 9 SCV's mining I rallied my CC to the outside of the CPU's base. The trick is that I could run the drones in circles, then get a quick hit in on the hatchery. Alas, I was not quite quick enough, and for that matter neither was Enrico, as he bravely exploded to a flurry of Drone spit.

I had to act fast. I'm not talking premature ejaculation fast. No I'm talking more like pre-emptive ejaculation fast. American Pie style, if you know what I mean. The CPU had about twice as many Drones as I had CPU's and was starting an evolution chamber. If just 4 Zerglings could get built I knew it would be over. So I rushed in my SCV's in two groups. One to get the hatchery, while the other distracted the Drones. Check out the intense action below.

..................... I could hear the CPU mocking me, calling my SCV's names, and not letting them play in any reindeer games. I noticed my SCV reinforcements were in a jovial mood as they traveled into the Zerg base. They even started telling Ultralisk jokes, to relieve the pressure. I think it must have worked. The CPU had just evolved a spawning pool, a hatchery and a couple of sunkens. Time was running short. If I didn't act now it would be over.

My SCV's went to quick work. While the drones were distracted by Enrico's brother Manuel, I gathered the 4 new SCV's and attacked the second hatchery. It was extremely successful, with my SCV's hitting the hatcheries G-Spot, and causing a great big gush of   liquid to come pouring out, as the hatchery exploded. I had taught those SCV's well. When your penis ain't much, learn to use anything else you can. Even those SCV sparks.

As the CPU reached Orgasm, I found myself to be strangely aroused by my SCV's. But for once I would stop thinking with my Palm! I would think with my anus! And my Anus said "Lets kick some CPU ASS!" A sentiment I deeply shared. So I micro'ed like crazy and distracted the SCV's long enough to do some serious damage! While one poor SCV got gang raped harder than a fresh inmate in maximum security, the rest of my SCV's took advantage and wiped out the spawning pool! One lone SCV felt left out, but they let him back in for "Sloppy Seconds"

You say people gonna die? My SCV's knew that now was the moment they had been waiting for. The chance to take out the main Zerg Hatchery and SCV rush that damn CPU once and for all! To help out in the matter, one extremely brave (or stupid, depends on how you put it) SCV decided that he was Mr. T, and Mr. T. wasn't gonna take shit from nobody! While he got the CPU Drones to chase his gold laden ASS my other SCV's moved in for the kill. Notice that the hatchery is squirting a bit. I think it was a bit excited too.

By this time I had a full 9 SCV's on the attack. My SCV's were at the climax of their excitement. Finally the last Hatchery erupted in a volcano of Zerg juice. All that was left was the gas geyser. It too gave out to the finessing work of my SCV's

That was it! The CPU was done for good! I finally could relax in the knowledge that I can kick some serious CPU ass. The only thing I'm pissed about is that Voodoo Dick. That thing cost me $500! I doubt I'll ever see it again....

Oh and one more thing. To all the people that are going to laugh at this (and rightly so), this is a hell of a lot harder than it looks! You try taking out the insane AI setting with just SCV's! Besides, to my extremely limited knowledge no one has bothered to report an SCV rush before.

What Was Learned

1.) The CPU sucks ass. Never write up reports about CPU games, if you care about the rating.
2.) Ultras smell bad. They give bad oral sex too. Tusks are too big. Damn sharp too.
3.) Be Very Very careful about what you say around a Voodoo Dick.

Thanks for actually read through this. You know what they say, put enough reports out, surely one has to be good =)

Another

The O
A.K.A: D-Hard Production