Konrad says:"OMGAY woof woof."

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"Wow," Konrad said, "Lost Temple looks really weird without the fog." I nodded and checked the player's start spots. Both terran, with the orange Protophobe getting the bottom and the blue Volks getting the left side. Volks went double barracks with a fast tech to wraiths. He skipped the machine shop add-on for his factory and put down two starports along with a command center, which he promptly floated to his natural. Protophobe's goal was a quick drop on Volks's main with two dropships. When Volks had three wraiths, Volks dumped two tanks and a dropship of M&Ms on his plateau.

"bloody death" Konrad whispered into my ear. Things did look bad. Volks had a few marines with the wraiths, but not nearly enough to hold off Protophobe's drop. Volks tried to wear out Protophobe's comsat before he could put up turrets, but by the time he darted in and out twice with his wraiths, detectors were up and the tanks were starting to push in, with one of the dropships spotting for them. By constantly harrassing the tanks with his wraiths, Volks forced Protophobe to make constant turrets during his advance. This slowed him enough for Volks to get tanks of his own out and try to stall the push. The first tank-to-tank battle happenned between Volks's unsieged first tank and one of Protophobe's sieged. Despite the horde of repairing SCVs, Volks lost his tank, allowing Protophobe took a few more free shots.

Konrad says:"Did you know that both male and female hyenas have penises? Yes, it's true. When a female hyena gives birth, it comes out of her dink! Crazy but true... Oh, and the first cub has to claw its way to freedom out of the penis. This is why there's a thirty-percent death-rate among birthing hyenas. Neat, eh?"

Yes, Konrad, that's very neat. Anyways, volks decided that it would be a good idea to run (like a bitch) at this point, so he lifted off and flew to his expansion, making it his new main. The tank push continued all the way to the cliff overlooking Volks's natural. The going was slow, though, and during the push Volks had managed to float his CC to the top left island and establish another expansion at the top spot. Also at the top spot, he added two more starports. Protophobe was still supplying his army from the one base only, and seemed to be unaware of Volks's mass-expanding.

Konrad says:"I gave myself a bath today. Too bad I have to use my tongue. After eating wet, nasty cat food and licking my own asshole, I don't know how purifying the whole cleaning-process is. Oh, and just for the record, mine tastes like ham and poo. Neat, eh?"

Amazing Konrad, absolutely amazing. Anyway, Protophobe's push was finally stopped at the top of Volks's cliff because his last tank decided to target some dancing marines while an enemy tank took free shots. A moment after that happenned, a scouting marine found Volks's expansion at the top spot, and an infantry bitch-squad decided to go break up the party. Remember that at this point Volks was getting by with about two wraiths and a tank. Protophobe had slightly more, mainly medics, firebats, and marines, but the constant fighting was keeping their troop counts very low.
Last tank dies

The bitch-squad was too large for Volks's wraiths to handle alone, and so he was forced to lift off two fresh starports and his CC and take them to his crowded main. Protophobe floated a CC to the bottom right island at this point. Frustrated with the lack of space, Volks lifted off an idle barracks in his main to make room for more useful buildings. When the barracks hit cruising altitude, the pilot took a good look around. He caught some sneaky SCVs and marines setting up turrets on the cliff, no doubt preparing to do a potentially-devastating tank drop. Before any more reinforcements could arrive, though, Volks used his barracks to spot for his two tanks and took out the threat. While his opponent was distracted with the cliff-siege fiasco, Volks floated the leftover CC from the top spot back to the top spot's mineral-only natural. A few moments later, though, Protophobe found the expansion and moved to put and end to this cheeky bastard's expansion campaign.

Konrad says: "There's a fish in South America that is so small it can fit up a human penis. It's attracted to the scent of urine, and it's said to be dangerous to piss even off a boat into the water because the fish is capable of swimming up the stream and into the urethra. When the natives go swimming in certain rivers, they tie a string around their penises for protection. Why's it bad to get the fish inside you, you ask? It'll slowly work its way into your bladder, and once there, the fish releases sharp spines into the bladder wall, where it feeds. It can only be removed by surgery, and if not removed, will eventually kill the host by destroying the bladder's lining. Oh yeah, and the traditional method of stopping the fish from getting to the bladder is lopping off the penis as soon as possible. Neat eh?"

Both sides used a very small, heavily-mixed army in the battle for the min-only. Scans sweeped, SCVs repaired constantly unless they were setting up turrets or bunkers, but in the end, Volks emerged victorious. This was mostly because he managed to sucker Protophobe close to his turret/bunker defense right beside his CC. After this fight, Volks had enough units left that he wouldn't have to worry about any more single firebat/medic attacks. Protophobe lost most of his army here, so he stopped attacking for the first time since his drop and focused on economy. Volks didn't give him much breathing room, though. He unloaded a dropship full of tanks on protophobe's island expansion and supported it with wraiths. Protophobe tried to turn the attack back with a dropship of mixed troops, but Volks stuffed the drop and tore the rest of the expansion apart like a baby hyena tearing through a female penis. Protophobe tried to float his CC from the island to his natural and get something going there, but by now Volks had way too many barracks producing hordes of marines. A moment later Protophobe was completely over run by a whole lotta wraiths and infantry. Protophobe's mistake in this game was that he kept trying to end it with a rush and neglected his economy even after he was being out-resourced. Because Volks build just enough troops to get by while he powered, it must have seemed to Protophobe that the win was always just beyond his grasp. But yeah, gg guys, pretty intense.

Konrad says:"How to fist a girl: Form a beak-shape with your hand by putting your fingers in such a way that the shape of your hand resembles a sort of spear point. Then, put on tons and tons of lube until you can't put any more on. Then put on more. Now for the fun part, aim the..." Oh God, I had nothing to do with this, I swear.