"It's sad when you execute such a slimy, cheesy tactic like a gully push and it gets taken out by one DT :-(."
- Shockwave
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| Don't Click | | | Author: | | | IP: | 128.252.XXXX | | Date: | 11/02/00 04:11 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 0, Max: , Min:
Lifetime Rating for Don't Click: | |
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Hello and welcome to part
three... cyber?
 Well after the second game both
contestants call it a night, so we'll pick up the
story the next day when I find both of them in the
channel again. After I get them to agree to a
third game, I ask if I can create on one of my
maps again, and they, now knowing how gosu my maps
are, quickly agree. I say "nate* / x" and away we
go. The map I have chosen this time is the
slightly more templesque For the puple
seaweed. The map is a four player 128 x
128 map on twilight tile. The mains are in the
corners on high ground with one ramp out of the
base. Below each ramp is a natural expansion. The
bases are all connected to the center by
moderately wide chokes. In the center is a lowered
double expansion with two ramps leading down to
it. There are also four island expansions: two
mineral only expands at twelve and six and two gas
+ three mineral patch expansions at nine and
three.
*knock knock* Now what?? Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, me
and Jamie ran into Deon and we invited him to your
party. What party? Deons coming
over! What's up
guys? Deon!!! Hey guys I'd like you to meet
Adarius. Um... there's no one..
I'm waiting.
Come again? Oh I think he
wants you to move so he can come in. Adarius is a
dark templar. I met him over at the pub. He says
the damnedest things. | | Well you guys can
talk amongst yourselves. I'll be watching the
starcraft
game.
|
|
 |
 Now realizing that the two previous
games have been different race match ups I kindly
ask the players to select their races to ensure a
different race match up this time. MasturNate chooses terran and
lands at the bottom left base. On the other side
of the map JPaikman who
chose zerg morphs in at upper right. Once again
both players begin with fairly conventional
builds. JPaikman starts
with a second expansion at his natural and then
quickly adds a spawning pool. Shortly afterwards
the zerg cerebrate adds a third hatch at the ramp.
Meanwhile MasturNate
builds a depot and two barracks at his ramp (not a
wall in) and begins pumping marines. He also
constructs a refinery and begins mining gas. So
any opinions on the game? What game? Ya, terran's already
won. Da
terrans. Hmm what if MasturNate (god
fobid) slipped out of his chair hit his head on
the desk and was knocked unconsious for the first
20 minutes. ............ Da terrans. Daaaaa terrans. Who is MasturNate?
Argh.
 Now MasturNate, curious as to
what his zerg opponent is up to sends out a
fearless peon to investigate the map. He first
checks upper left and finding no base there heads
over to the upper right base where he finds a
thriving zerg hive cluster. The scv observes a
pool being morphed and then heads to the natural
where it finds a hatchery morphing as well. Now
the fearless scv heads back up the ramp to take
another look at the cerebrates base. But just then
four ferocious zerglings hatch and tear after the
defenseless scv. Before he knows whats happening
the peon is surrounded and all looks bleak. But
this is no ordinary scv. Deon Peon fakes right
goes left, breaks a tackle and he's free! Two
angry lings give chase across the map. As Deon
nears his base five marines come down the ramp to
greet him, there are still two viscious 'lings hot
on his trail, and screams of "Ruuun Deon Ruuuuun"
can be heard coming from his comrades. Just as the
scv squeezes between to the marines, the zerglings
make one last final jump, but they never land.
Both are blown to bits mid-air.
BOOOOOOOYA!!!! Yeah
Deon!!!!! What'd
I miss?" Um...
*cough*
| |
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 |
As expected MasturNate
soon adds an academy and develops his medarine
rush. When he has ten marines and two medics he
sets out across the map. Meanwhile JPaikman has few troops at
his base as he has morphed to lair and put up a
queens nest, apparently attempting to repeat his
guardian rush of gosuness. JPaikman is not completely
careless however, as he has morphed one sunken at
his ramp and is now moprhing a second one at his
natural. MasturNate's
medarine arrives at the base, and ignoring the
main charges straight into Paikman's natural. In the
zerg's natural is one sunken, one  almost finished sunken and about four
zerglings. MasturNate's
forces kills the lings, losing a marine or two to
the sunken which is placed behind the hatchery.
The marines now target the finished sunken,
however before they can finish it off the other
sunken finishes and two hidden lings flank the
marines. The result is JPaikman is left with one
sunken, and MasturNate
with three marines and his two medics. MasturNate decides to pull
his forces back to two firebats who have just
arrived. In the process of retreating another
marine is killed. Now there is a pause in the
action (literally) as MasturNate fixes his
screen.
 MasturNate
gathers more medarine outside of JPaikman's main. But JPaikman is sunkening hard,
replacing his sunken at his natural and adding two
more at his ramp. Meanwhile back at Nate's base the terran
commander has a particularly interesting plan in
mind. He has constructed a factory and two
starports. The first wraith is out soon and MasturNate sends it straight
to JPaikman's main
where it is able to kill an overlord since once
again José has zero
units that hit air. Paikman soon gets a couple of
mutalisks and scourge, however, and chases the
wraith back to the growing MMF force outside his
base. MasturNate now
expands to his natural..Shhh.. has anyone seen
Jamie? ..... Oh
yes... oh yes Oh no. Oh yes... YES.. YES..
YES!! Ah c'mon guys, get a room.. no
seriously get a room. I thought you said she
was shy? Well she is until
shes had a couple of shots Shots?!?
KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE
That's not right. They're
not even the same species.
Note to self: In the future do not invite Captain
Chobo to watch starcraft games. What'd I
do?
| |
 |
 JPaikman
now has five muties out and he sends them to the
upper left base and then down to the 9:00 island,
just above MasturNate's
main, where he morphs two of them into devourers
and three into guardians. While these are morphing
the zerg cerebrate also decides to send about
twenty-four zerglings down to support his air
units. Unfortunately on the way there they run
into Nate's containment
force consisting of eight marines, four medics,
five firebats and five wraiths. For those of you
who have never played starcraft before, zerglings
aren't an effective counter to any of those units.
The zerglings managed to be massacred admirably
however, putting little if any dent in MasturNate's troop count.
Now, however JPaikman's
air army has finished morphing and the guardians
begin pounding away on MasturNate's barracks and any
marines that happen to be standing nearby. MasturNate quickly sends his
five wraiths back to his main, and with the help
of three new wraiths (MasturNate has 3 starports
now) takes out José's
air force with out loss, proving conclusively that
8 wraiths > 2 devourers.
 MasturNate
now sends his wraith army straight at JPaikman's main. The wraiths
run into two more devourers at JPaikman's ramp, and incase
you missed it before, 8 wraiths > 2 devourers.
Now however, JPaikman
gets a couple of hydralisks out and chases MasturNate's wraiths away.
Instead MasturNate
sends an scv to the lower right to begin an
expansion. A scouting crackling finds the scv
while it is building the command center, but three
wraiths sent to secure the area are able to take
care of it before the scv is killed. Now MasturNate sends all 11 of
his wraiths to JPaikman's natural, but is
driven off by three hydralisks and three
devourers. MasturNate
brings his wraiths back to his containment force,
where he now has a large group of MMF, a seiged
seige tank and is constructing two factories. Just
then I reach over for some chips but come back
with nothing but some gelatinous material. I look
over and there is goo all over my couch and coffee
table. JIIIM!!! What the hell are you doing out?!?
Get back in the basement! Hihihihihihihihihi
Alright who let Jim out of his cage?? Um.. I
think it was that guy. Who the hell is that
guy?? ... and why is he drinking my liquid
plumber? I don't know, he said he was looking
for a Jamellan br. He seemed harmless enough.
Argh.
| |
|
 |
 MasturNate's who's bottom
right base is just now getting online takes this
oppurtunity to begin a command center at the upper
left base as well. He has also now finished both
of his factories outside of JPaikman's base and now
begins a supply depot there. However, the scv
never finishes, as 12 of JPaikman's cracklings come
pouring into the containment area. MasturNate's containment
forces currently consist of about 8 marines, 4
medics, 5 firebats, 10 wraiths and two seige
tanks. The 'lings of course die quickly to the
firebats although not before damaging some through
tank splash. Right behind the cracklings are 12 of
JPaikman's hydralisks
and 8 more 'lings accompanied by three devourers.
Although all of the ground troops die to tank fire
they are first able to destroy all of Nate's firebats, some of his
medarine, and all but one of his wraiths. Now six
more cracklings come streaming in and through the
help of more friendly splash, are able to kill
some marines and one of the tanks. Finally JPaikman sends in six
hydralisks and two guardians to clean up. The
containment is broken and there are no
survivors.
 MasturNate
desperately attempts to patch up the containment
by sending another control group of medarine and
some scvs, but the forces are met by cracklings,
take heavy casualties and are forced to retreat.
Now that the zerg cerebrate is free, JPaikman's first act is to
send a control group of cracklings to the bottom
right. MasturNate has
one barracks in the bottom right which has
produced three marines. The marines die quickly to
the lings, Nate lifts
off his command center and transfers all of his
scvs to his natural. The 'lings of course give
chase but are all butchered when they reach MasturNate's natural as he
has been pumping firebats and now has about ten
stationed there. To make matters worse two
scouting lings find MasturNate's base upper left,
where Nate is
frantically trying to build three barracks. Soon
the lings are joined by ten more of their
companions and MasturNate is forced to
cancel or lift off all of his structures. Always
resourceful, however, MasturNate lands his command
center from lower right at the 6:00 mineral only
island and eventually lands his cc from upper left
at the 9:00 island.
JPaikman now morphs nine
lurkers where MasturNate's containment
force used to be. He sends these along with eight
or so hydras and two guardians towards MasturNate. The hydras which
are scouting ahead, run into a large terran force
consisting of about 8 marines, 12 firebats, 6
medics, 2 scvs, 4 tanks and 2 wraiths just outside
of Nate's base. The
hydras pull back to just outside the middle
expansion where the lurkers burrow. When the
guardians arrive JPaikman sends them in with
some of the hydras. However, the wraiths cloak and
kill the guardians while the hydras get
slaughtered by tank fire. The lurkers (wisely)
remain burrowed during all of this. Now MasturNate finally has a
science vessel and he sends it ahead to see whats
going on. He spots the lurkers, but some more of
José's hydras have
arrived and they chase the vessel away. Meanwhile
JPaikman has expanded
to both the bottom right main and bottom right
natural. A couple of MasturNate's wraiths show up
at the bottom right main and prevent him from
mining for a while but a couple of devourers soon
ends this harassment.
| |
 |
 The temporary reprieve from senseless
violence is short-lived however, as JPaikman is sending several
control groups of hydralisks and cracklings down
to where the lurkers are burrowed just south-west
of the middle expansion. At the same time, MasturNate is trying to move
his army out into the middle of the map. MasturNate's juggernaut
consists of about 8 firebats, 16 marines, 8
medics, 1 scv, 4 seige tanks, 1 wraith, 1 science
vessel, 1
ghost, and yes I'm sure 3 french hens
are involved some how. JPaikman's first wave of
hydralisks and zerglings is for the most part
killed instantly although it gives time for the
cerebrate to bring in half of his lurkers and
burrow them next to the medarine. The result,
predictably, is a lot of skewered medarine. MasturNate is now left with
three tanks, a few marines, and some medics. JPaikman brings in the other
half of his lurkers and burrows them close to the
spread out tanks. MasturNate's SV is either
dead or wacking it, but the terran commander
comsats quickly and the terran forces are able to
hold off the onslaught, with two tanks, two
marines, four medics and five freshly built
ghosts surviving.
 MasturNate
who is marcroing pretty well, quickly rebuilds his
army and moves across the map, setting up camp
outside of JPaikman's
base at the site of his previous containment.
MasturNate's army is
now about ten marines, eight ghosts, three tanks,
a firebat, five medics and five wraiths. JPaikman has also been
pumping troops however, and he has about 18 hydras
and 12 cracklings. The cerebrate now attempts to
use this force to break his containment, however,
the medarine / ghost / tank combination proves to
be too much for the hydra / 'lings and they barely
scratch MasturNate's
growing army. Now, taking advantage of the fact
that JPaikman is pseudo
contained, MasturNate
begins mining long distance from the center
expansion and soon begins a command center
there.
 MasturNate
knows that the zerg cerebrate has already expanded
several times so he decides to go shut down one of
these expansions. He pulls his containment force
back from outside JPaikman's base and sends it
to the lower right natural where the zerg has been
mining for quite a while. Nate's troop count is now 10
ghost, 9 marines, 5 medics, 1 firbat, 3 tanks and
4 wraiths, and though he loses a few marines to
cracklings in the attack, the natural expansion
falls quickly. JPaikman
realizing there are no more troops outside of his
main, strikes back by sending a control group of
'lings and some hydras at the middle expansion
where MasturNate's
command center is now almost complete. Just then
however, twelve marines arrive from MasturNate's main, and with
the help of a couple of wraiths they are able to
defend the center.
 Now JPaikman decides for a slight
change of strategy. He morphs, four guardians and
two devourers and sends them to the 6:00 island.
On the way there though, four wraiths catch the
devourers away from their overlords and are able
to get in a few free hits. Once the overlords move
in range the wraiths get covered in purple goo,
but they continue to fight and are able take out
the devourers losing one of their number. MasturNate's wraiths then fly
to the 6:00 island where they begin popping
defenseless guardians who are busily taking down
missile turrets. While the wraiths are busy with
the guardians, José
sneaks in an overlord full of hydralisks and
begins unloading it on the island. The hydras kill
all of MasturNate's
wraiths but not before the wraiths with some help
from the scvs kill all but the last hydra. The
last hydra falls to the swarm of scvs. A mutalisk
now shows up, but Nate
is able to get up a new missile turret, and the
scvs return to mining.
 The gig is up now though, as MasturNate sends his army of
ghosts, medarine and tanks into JPaikman's natural. Paikman tries to hold off the
assault with cracklings but the concussive damage
of the ghosts it too much for them. To make
matters worse the zerg cerebrate also loses his
bottom right main to a small group of wraiths.
Desperate, JPaikman
sends five mutalisks to the 6:00 island and morphs
3 into guardians and 2 into devourers.
Unfortunately MasturNate sees this and
begins constructing missile turrets under them.
The turrets come out first and JPaikman is forced to cancel
his devourers and fly them further back. The
guardians come out and begin razing turrets but
soon a single wraith appears and is able to take
care of all three guards before the devourers can
finish. MasturNate's
army now charges up the ramp and JPaikman has no choice, but
to concede. BOOOOOOOYA!!!! TERRANS WIN!!!!
WEEEEEEEEE!!!
Victory!
*sigh*
| |
|
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Lessons Learned
- MasurNate is not fucking around
- Wraiths and Ghosts > Zerg
- José is better than that
Well, thats a wrap. The winner
of our three game, Sex, Starcraft and
Battlereports series is Mastur.. Shut up Will.
You Suck!! Terran Rules!!! WOOOOHOOOO!!!!! We're going to Disney
World!!! You guys aren't going
anywhere. Here's the post game chat.
| |
 |
Imbalances Learned
- Zerg >
Protoss
- Protoss >
Terran
- Terran
> Zerg
- My rating system
> Mark's rating system
- BR.com >
EM.com
- BR.com's
forum > Shockwave's forum
- Atheism >
Theism
- NoHunters
> X17
- Giz
> Goz .
God
- Debate in
comment section > No debate in comment
section
- Me >
You
Game Statistics
- # of Scout rushes: 1
- # of Mass ghost strats employed: 1
- # of Vespene gas mined by José: 2000000000
Bonus Point Opputunities
- +37.2 bonus points to the first person who
can name all the songs in my flash intro
- +150 bonus points to the person who comes up
with the most interesting fact about the intro
(be creative)
- +18 bonus points to the first person to
correctly identify the species of "Jim" who made
an appearance in the report
- +2,341.26 bonus points to the first person
to find the one and only time I have ever
smurfed at this site. Admin are excluded since
they might have special ip searcher powers, as
are people who know me personally although I
don't think any of them know. Don't ask for any
hints, or to tell you if your guesses are right.
If you find it you'll know.
- -200 bonus points to any one who posts
marquee in my comment section
MapsAll of the maps used in
this report can be downloaded at no extra charge
here
Unwitting
ContributorsFractal_Wave,
HeartCutter,
Jamellan,
King_Lewis
and Breeze
Special ThanksA special
thanks go out to the two players, and the
continually raging party inside my own brain which
made this report possible.
One Last ThingIf anyone was
unable to download any part of this report please
post your name and address in the comments section
and I will hunt you down and kill you.
DisclaimerSome animals may have been
harmed during the production of this report.......
Sorry. |
And now a word from our
sponsor.
-WilliamWC3 | |
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