Does it hurt more or less when spines rip through the flesh of a person who writes battle reports? The world might never know. (or maybe it will)

So anyway, Testosterone is looking for a game, and he gets a player named Cannibal202 to play against him. As usual, I volunteer to observe, thinking that this will be a casual game, nothing more. Testosterone is after all, one of those new battle reporters that inevitably will rise to the top, while my future at br.com is in question. We enter the game, which will be set in the Lost Temple. It is rather ironic that all the battle reports made by Testosterone and I have all been set in Lost Temple. At this point in the prelude to the game, I have convinced myself to merely observe, not do a br on this game.

However, at the pushing of Cannibal202, I decide, just for my own entertainment, to make a br on this game. As I gather a piece of paper and a pencil from my disorganized desk, I frantically type “WAIT”, right before the “5 seconds remaining” appears on my screen. Testosterone types “sorry”, and the game begins with me throwing papers off of my desk, looking for a blank sheet, and a pencil/pen. I then accidentally hit my second place chess trophy on the shelf above my desk, and it comes crashing down onto my obsolete computer. The game starts with me panicking.

Presenting...

The game starts uneventfully, except for me finally finding a pencil stub, and the back of an old book report to write with and on. Both players chose random, with fate deciding that Testosterone, (I’m still having to check the spelling on this name) has drawn terran, and Cannibal202 has received the cannibalistic Zerg. Testosterone is brown, and Cannibal202 is Purple. Of course, since everyone knows the exact layout of lost temple, I will say that Cannibal 202 is on the right side, with the purple creep matching his units and buildings, and Testosterone on the upper part of the map.

The game passes for 45 seconds before an overlord sent by Cannibal202 floats over a scv constructing a barracks, and has already completed a supply depot.

Cannibal202 now knows where brown is, and Testosterone has a pretty good idea, given the overlord went on a direct path from the Purple base. The game passes in absolute silence, except for the annoying chat messages sent by me asking Testosterone for advice concerning battle reports, along with a couple of random comments.

About 3-5 minutes into the game, Cannibal202 has constructed an Evolution pool, an extractor, and is mutating his Hatchery into a Lair. Just about 40 yards away, Testosterone is setting up defenses on his choke point. These include the construction of a barracks, 2 supply depots, and a factory under construction. Unit wise, each player has no fighting units, but a marine is being built by Testosterone, and Cannibal202 is about to hatch 6 zerglings. (I do not nickname units; I find it a bit confusing. For example, I only found out 1 and a half months ago that zerglings were also known as cracklings.)

The zerglings hatch at about the same time as the Terran player completes construction of a marine. The zerglings rush towards the Terran base, only to turn back once they see the terran defenses. However, while Cannibal202’s ability to see specific things is low, he suddenly realizes that no one was shooting at him. The zerglings turn around and head towards the 2 supply depots and barracks. Facing them are two of Testosterone’s marines, hyped up and ready to go.

Note: The following is one of the worst micros on Canibal202’s side, and the best on Testosterone’s side I have ever seen. While Purple has 6 rampaging zerglings on the loose in Testosterone’s base, Testosterone has 2 marines to kill them with. He needs to buy enough time to finish his factory, build a vulture, and wipe the zerglings out. On the other side of the network, Canniba202 is ordering his zerglings to attack supply depots for some reason. They then turn around, go right past the two marines, who shoot at them, and attack a scv. Finally, after destroying the scv, the zerglings turn on the 2 marines, and they kill the marines without mercy.

By now, the factory being build by Testosterone is complete, and is building a vulture. Also, the barracks is building a marine, and one was already built during the micro, so within 30 seconds, the zerglings will be facing 2 marines, and a vulture. But the zerglings pay no heed, attacking a supply depot that is on the ramp to Testosterone’s base. The supply depot is destroyed, but when they move up to attack another scv on the upper part of Testosterone’s base, a burst of gunfire from two marines kills one of the zerglings. All of Testosterone's scvs come and aid the marines. The zerglings turn around and kill the two marines, along with some of the scvs at a heavy cost. Then, as the pools of blood and gore begin to settle, a vulture comes out of the factory, and launches a 20-damage fragmentation grenade at the remaining zerglings, who die instantly. The battle for control of Testosterone’s base is over, for now.

At this point of the game, while Testosterone is rebuilding his base, Cannibal202 hasn’t been doing nothing. He was, when we last went over him, mutating his hatchery into a lair. He has constructed a hydralisk den, and has researched lurkers. Testosterone sends a scout, in the form of a scv, to investigate what Cannibal202 has done with his base. Cannibal 202 has 4 hydralisks, who blow the scv to smithereens, then start mutating in lurkers.

Testosterone at his base has changed the layout of his defense at the choke point a little. Instead 2 supply depots and a barracks, he has 1 supply depot, a barracks, and a bunker. He is also constructing another supply depot, and has a working factory with a machine shop, along with an engineering bay.

Cannibal202’s lurkers finish morphing, and begin the very short walk with, what looks like 4 legs, over to Testosterone’s base. Once they arrive, they are immediately under fire from the terran bunker, but hide by burrowing. 2 of the lurkers let loose a barrage of spines into the yellow defense. The others are forced to un-burrow, face bullets moving at supersonic speeds let loose by the marines, then re-burrow. Now 4 lines of spines start hitting the buildings.

In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation and reveal the lurkers, Testosterone starts building a missile turret right outside the main battle. However, as the spines let loose by the lurkers destroys the bunker, and the inhabitants inside, Testosterone realizes that the battle is lost. Or is it?

Testosterone concedes the game, ending a very short, but a very interesting and exiting battle. However, Testosterone forgets one thing about the Terrans that make them favored by skilled players, lift off. Lurkers, as most people know, cannot attack air targets, (duh), and thus, Testosterone could of prolonged the game for a little while. But I still think that even if Testosterone remembered to lift off, he would have lost anyway.

The Stats

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buildings

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