Introduction

Translation: 'Page must load... keep fans occupied... a rabbi, a priest, and... have you heard this one?'

==While this is loading, let me tell you a bit about this game. A long while back I made a BR called the Depressing Newbie Game of the Day. It was the result, as I explained there, of being bored and getting an idea of something to do - watching newbies flounder in a game against each other. livingexception and I decided to renew the tradition recently. How to get real newbies? Elementary, my dear Watson.

==We offer the winner Medic Porn.

==And not just Medic Porn, but SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN.

==True, there are a lot of non-newbies who'd want some SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN, but from experience, only newbies fall for this gimmick. So we create the game and we wait. We got in a total of 4 games in this one, in a small series that we modestly call...

==So kick back and enjoy the presentation. Lights!

Let the Games Begin: Game 1

Translation: 'Go on with the Chlorophyll!'

==The first Turbo Newbie (TN) game that we could slap together was a simple 1v1. ProbingInAiur was in the channel while we were talking about setting the game up, and joined the game we created to newb someone out. I didn't realize this until livingexception brought it to my attention after the game. And soon enough, the lure of SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN drew an opponent, @@shadow@@, whose name's use of special characters reeked of skill. And with that, the game was on!!!


==As you can see from the map, @@shadow@@ (henceforth known as shadow) morphs his yellow Hatchery at 12' and ProbingInAiur (henceforth known as Probing. *snicker*) morphs his white Hatchery at 9'. Both Cerebrates send their starting Overlords to the 6' position before commencing their builds. Probing starts off powering, using the 10/9 Extractor trick and expanding to his natural on 12. shadow morphs a Spawning Pool on 8, with a Creep-Sunken on 10.

==Probing (snicker) morphs a Spawning Pool as well. Deciding upon the need for troop count over tech, he builds a third Hatchery below his second in his natural. shadow continues with his Sunken production at his main, and Probing follows suit with one at his natural. He augments it, however, with 4 newly spawned Zerglings.

==Continuing his tech, Probing upgrades to a Lair, and as he amasses a 12 Zergling army, he is finally spotted by an Overlord from his foe, much to his consternation. shadow has progressed to morphing a Lair and an Evolution Chamber, and attempts to join the troop-building race with another Hatchery in his main. Coincidentally, he builds a Spore Colony at the time Probing has begun his Spire.

==Sending 6 Zerglings to check his enemy's natural, Probing hatches 6 Mutalisks and sends them winging towards his foe. shadow has thrown a Spire up too late, and his mineral line is quickly decimated by the flying pests. In a last ditch effort to try to distract the Mutas while his own Spire begins building, shadow sends his Zerglings to Probing's base, but they are destroyed by a larger force of Zerglings that were stationed outside the natural.

==shadow graciously concedes the game and the prize to Probing, explaining why he's not too upset.


Winner of the SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN - ProbingInAiur!!!

Let the Games Begin: Game 2

Translation: 'On a crusade (for newbs), all that shall see let thy pass'

==And so, unsatisfied with the general state of newbiness in the last game, we started up another one, this time with ProbingInAiur in tow to observe with us. We tried for a 2v2, and sure enough, 4 people showed up, one of them being our friend @@shadow@@. Apparently his 'gurl' didn't satisfy him enough, so he came back for our SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN.

==The game is beginning, and 1 second before it commences, @@shadow@@ leaves, either because he saw Probing watching and thought something funny was going on, or his 'gurl' was finally inflated all the way. We convinced our ambitious new friends to play a 3 way ffa for the porn, and away it went.


==The contenders are composed of all three races, with CrAy-Z_Shark (gosu alternating capitals) morphing his blue Hatchery at 12', Neeko warping in his brown Nexus at 9', and PeRVeCtOr (MORE GOSU) landing his white Command Center at 6'.

==Thinking that they had already won since @@shadow@@ left, the players were very upset that they actually had to 'win' to get our SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN. Our skill at oratory (not that, you bloody perv) won them over, however.

==The complete newbs...I mean players commence their builds, with CrAy-Z_Shark (henceforth known as Crazy, because I refuse to spell his name that way) builds a Spawning Pool on 8 for some semi-quick Zerglings. PeRVeCtOr (henceforth known as Perv, because the bastard isn't going to make me alternate caps all the time) goes for a fairly standard 8 Supply Depot, 10 Barracks build, with another one following up for the obvious purpose of an infantry-based army. Neeko (henceforth known as That Cat Person Who Shows Up Friggin' Everywhere In Secret Of Mana...just kidding) warps in 2 Pylons midway between his choke and his Nexus and a Forge, with the intent of Cannoning his ass in.

==Crazy makes the first offensive strike, sending 4 Zerglings directly at the coincidentally undefended Perv, who, in lieu of making troops has decided to build a Refinery for some M&M. The observors and I suspect our blue friend is hacking, as he hasn't moved his Overlords out of his base yet, but we decide to wait before telling the other players of our suspicions. Because hacking or not, somebody in the game is going to act like SuperNewb, and hey, we're in this for the laughs, people, not the fairness.

==Our unfortunate Terran has just begun his Academy as the Zerglings arrive, and seeing the threat, quickly begins Marine production from his 2 Rax in the hopes of driving off the bad doggies. Meanwhile the neighborhood hacker has another Hatchery morphing in, and Neeko is merrily building Cannons. Perv lifts his CC, and as his 2 Marines pop out, he sends them and his SCVs on the attack, with a little lip service Crazy's way.

==Apparently worried that his hacking will not avail in the end, Crazy now offers for a group ally, which is promptly ignored. Perv comes up with a more diplomatic plan for the pornography,

which is also unheeded by the Cannon-building Neeko and the hacking Crazy, who has begun adding a Hydra Den and a Lair to his base. The first 6 Hydras are sent towards the Terran once again, who is scouting with a Marine headed towards 12'...or should I say goes camping.

==The advantage of a maphack lets Crazy know that his 6 Hydras will only meet resistance in the form of 5 Marines, and this force is sent up the Terran ramp as Crazy spawns another 6 Hydras at his main and begins construction of a Spire.

==What has Neeko been doing this whole time, you may ask? After constructing Cannons for defense, he should at least have 2 Gateways or some advanced tech structures out to destroy his foes, right? Aha, you forget this isn't some ordinary player we're talking about. This is SuperNewb (like some sort of evolved Pokémon). As you can tell, he is not satisfied with his meager Cannon defense, and is continuing such production.




==Back at Perv's base, the valiant Marines manage to kill 2 Hydras, but the remaining 4 (with more on the way) go on a rampage. Perv rallies his SCVs, and with the help of 2 new Marines and a Medic, vanquishes the 8 Hydras. Undaunted, Crazy has spawned several Mutas in his main, intent on sending these little buggers on a mission of destruction.

==Our intrepid Zerg player sends his wing of Mutas towards Neeko, who, although having just teched to 1 Gateway and 2 Cybernetics Cores, has no defense around his Nexus. The Mutas coincidentally fly completely around the Cannons in a curious fashion to attack the Nexus. At this, us observors have had enough, and inform the other players that blue hacks.

==Alas, our help is too late, as Crazy has Hydras en route to finish off Perv and his wing of Mutas has almost demolished the Nexus. Perv desperately fights off the Hydras, but it isn't enough. At first, Crazy resists our accusations, but after we inform him that hackers get no SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN, he leaves.


No winner of the SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN declared

Let the Games Begin: Game 3

Translation: 'First I'm gonna track down this newb named Charlie, then I'm gonna sneak up behind him... and jam my thumb in his butthole!'

==To consolidate our losses from the poor ending of Game 2, we set up a nice 4-way FFA. PeRVeCtOr joins in the hopes of another shot at the SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN. We briefly explain the rules, and the game is underway.

==Tragedy befalls us, for as the game begins and the players commence their builds, 2 of the players and Probing are suddenly disconnected. This leaves Perv and ~Di~Flamedramon to duke it out in a good old-fashioned 1v1. The players seem happy about their better odds, but my fellow observors and I worry about the game 'code' not working due to the disconnect.


==Now the game really starts, with Perv landing his purple Command Center at 3' and ~Di~Flamedramon (henceforth known as Flame cuz of his inhumanly long name) morphing his blue Hatchery at 6'. Perv follows his build from the last game with a Depot on 8 and Rax on 10, this time immediately training Marines and constructing a second Rax as soon as possible. Flame sends his Olord to, oh about 10:45 or so, and constructs a Spawning Pool on 8 and a Creep (unmorphed) instead of Zerglings.

==Flame slaps down an Evolution Chamber and another Creep, which he morphs along with the first into Spores. Perhaps he fears the infamous 5-minute Battlecruiser, or maybe he's afraid some lonely Kakaru from another map will swoop in and eat his children. Perv has built a Bunker by this time, and neither player has defenses anywhere near where a sane person would build them.


==As if sensing that his Bunker is in a retarded place, Perv builds another one in a more meaningful place to the right, and begins an Academy for better infantry, or perhaps to get started on a little Medic Porn of his own (which, since not ours, is definitely not SPECTACULAR).

==The Zerg builds a Lair and another useful Spore colony as Perv sends a scouting Marine to the 12' location to scout. Both players are commencing their true techs by this point, Perv with a Factory, and Flame with... 2 more Creep Colonies. NO WAIT WE HAVE A SPIRE MORPHING IN! Unfortunately for Flame, his foe has sent another Marine to 6', and discovering a lack of defense, the Roughneck begins assaulting one of the numerous Spores as his Commander researches Seige capability.

==In sheer desperation, Flame decides to morph in the only thing that can destroy 1 un-upgraded Marine - one slow-building Creep-Sunken *dramatic music*! The Marine's bullets have caused a Spore colony to bleed heavily before 2 newly hatched Zerglings finally put an end to the dangerous menace.
==Recognizing his opportunity, Perv empties his bunkers and sends all his Marines to assault the Zerg as the Cerebrate's Spire has almost finished morphing in. Flame has added a Queen's Nest and is upgrading to a Hive as well, likely to enable more advanced misplaced Sunken/Spore technology.

==As his 10 Marines reach Flame's ramp, Perv begins a Starport in his main, and the Marines open fire on the 4-Zergling standing army awaiting them at the top of the ramp. Destroying the doggies with ease, the Marines continue on to attack the only well-placed building in this game so far, a Sunken near the 6' Extractor. Before perishing, the Colony manages to lick 5 Marines to sloppy death, probably as a result of a bad case of Halitosis.

==A Seige Tank is on the way to the Zerg base as Flame begins quickly turning his Drones into Sunkens to counter the Marine threat. Unfortunately, only one Sunken is even remotely close to the marines , and it is dispatched by the 5 Marines, who are joined by a Medic who recently tagged along for the company of the Roughnecks or for the jokes about where to put her stethescope.

==The Tank arrives as 6 Zerglings are spawned, but they join their brethren in Zergling Hell (a place not dissimilar to an Alannis Morrisette concert). Thinking fast, Flame quickly upgrades to a Greater Spire, for, knowing him, better Zergling technology of some sort.

==3 newly spawned Mutalisks fail to budge the now-Seige-capable assault, and the next 3 meet the same fate. GG's are exchanged, and Perv is left to wonder why he automatically didn't get full frontal nudity from a Medic dancing on his screen.


Winner of the SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN - PeRVeCtOr!!!

Let the Games Begin: Game 4

Translation: 'Recommended by top breeders.'

==We attempted to get another 4-way FFA to cap the series, but instead were treated to the best game in the series, a 1v1 between Lunarian_FuSoYa (goddamnit what is it with these people and alternating capitals??) and MasamuneNeo.


==The final game began with Lunarian_FuSoYa (henceforth known as Lunarian) morphing in his orange Hatchery at 3' and MasamuneNeo (henceforth known as Masamune) landing his white Command Center at 6'. Lunarian begins with the 8 Pool, Creep-when-completed strategy seen again and again with the Zerg in this report, while Masamune diverges from the traditional Terran builds with a Rax at 7, with 2 Depots following, for quick Marines with a sprinkling of powering.

==Instead of the apparently mediocre method of scouting, Masamune attempts to discern his opponent's race with the mystical arts of... asking him. This fails, and the players resume their builds, Masamune with a second Rax and Lunarian with an Extractor for some teching of some sort. Lunarian sends his first 6 Zerglings in the general direction of 9', and morphs several Sunkens at his main as Masamune, in a quest for mass infantry, builds another Barracks.

==First blood involves a scouting Marine that is killed by the Sunkens at Lunarian's base, and the Zerglings turn away from 9' and head off, apparently to see what's on the island in the bottom right. Unfortunately, as everyone who owns Prima's useful Starcraft Strategy Guide knows, Zerglings can neither swim nor fly. Failing to swim across, the Zerglings wander home, and are joined by 4 comrades used to check out the 12' position.

==Lunarian has been teching to a Lair while his scouts have been roaming the countryside, and Masamune, who has been pumping Marines like Rocco pumps...um, family site, never mind. Ahem, Masamune, who has been pumping Marines...a lot... sends his first 12 to attack his enemy, whose defense consists of 2 Sunkens. The Zerglings, still in a search for their foe, have headed off toward the center of the map.

==As both mini-armies head to their respective destinations, Masamune has constructed an Academy and Refinery for some M&M, and Lunarian's tech build has become clear with the addition of a Hydra Den for Lurkers. The Cerebrate's intrepid Zerglings opt to commence a thorough exploration of the chasm between 6' and 9' instead of the tedious labor of attacking the base at 6'. The Marines fare no better, milling around uncertainly around Lunarian's natural, giving the Zerg time to morph 2 more Sunkens and a Queen's Nest. The Zerglings, finished with their brief tour, are diverted to the actual 6' base.

==Both attacks occur roughly at the same time, but the Marines are slaughtered to a man by the 4 Sunkens without posing much damage, whereas the Zerglings are having a field day destroying Supply Depots and the puny 6 man garrison (useless without Mr. Hat) stationed outside the Command Center. The 3 Zerglings remaining from the Marine defense are soon killed, however, by newly produced Marines from the now 4 Barracks.


==After these initial skirmishes, the players resume their courses, with Lunarian upgrading to a Hive and morphing 3 brand spanking new Hydras into Lurkers, and Masamune, in light of the recent slaughter of his Marines by the Sunkens, constructing... more Marines (hey who needs Tanks anyway?).

==Lunarian sends two Zerglings to check out his foe's base, and noting the complete lack of detection whatsoever in the Terran's base, takes his 3 Lurkers and... buries them in his own ramp for defense. Gosu. The 2 scouting Lings fall at the hands of a new squad of Marines as Masamune commences a Bunker defense at his ramp.

==The Zerg adds 2 more Hatcheries in his main, and adds another poorly placed Sunken to his base defense. Masamune continues his strict Marine production, and his foe takes his time making another Hatchery and a Spire. However, realizing that perhaps he does not have enough defense, or that he's actually playing well, Lunarian cancels the newest Hatchery to build another Sunken. Masamune decides to strike again, this time with 24 Marines. The results... well, I'll let the GIF explain:



==Both players look at their prespective situations, Lunarian with no offense to speak of, and Masamune with one that gets raped like Hanson in Maximum Security Prison. Lunarian upgrades to Greater Spire to deal with the marauding Marines, and Masamune finally builds a Facroty to deal with the threats he faces.

==Lunarian expands to the 12' main and pumps 3 Mutas as Masamune makes a Starport. The Mutalisks are sent to wreak havoc on the undefended SCVs, for Masamune's newly built Marines have been rallied to the bottom of his ramp. The Mutas manage to slaughter some innocent SCVs and 2 Marines before they are wiped out. Masamune has teched broadly through this ordeal, with a Starport add-on, Factory add-on, and an Engineering Bay under construction. He also wizens up to the Lurker threat by building a Science Facility and a Comsat Station.

==The Zerg Cerebrate hasn't been idle, however, creating a Nydus Canal at his main and 3 more Lurkers which he sends to add to his collection in his ramp. Although he has a Nydus linking his main and his natural now, he sends 6 new Hydras for a long walk over to the 12' position, probably on Freeway Trash Duty.

==In the spirit of comformity, the Hydras are promptly converted to Lurkers for expansion ramp defense. Masamune has built another Starport and constructs a Science Vessel with Irradiate capability. The Vessel is sent to the Zerg's main ramp, and the Terran Commander takes note of the cluster of death-wreaking spiders buried within, and heads back with a scouting report.

==Deciding that his far-reaching tech isn't reaching far enough, Lunarian commences to morph an Ultralisk Cavern (you heard me) in his expo. Masamune has commenced construction of a Command Center near his ramp, hopefully to fly over to the bottom right island for a protected expansion. Wrong-o! Our young friend is well on his way to Nuking as he adds a Covert Ops add-on to his Science Facility.

==Masamune makes a surgical strike (if surgery is performed by a retarded 4-assed monkey on methadone) of Irradiation on one of the buried Lurkers, managing to kill the bugger, but also causing half a dozen pissed-off Scourges to tail his ass until they manage to kill him right outside the Terran natural. Realizing what all his tech is for, Lunarian morphs in a whopping force of 2 Guardians and sends them lumbering on their way to give Masamune a case of the crabs (beep beep pun alert hide the children beep beep).

==The Guardians do little damage before the now 16-Marine squadron runs into the 6'-9' chasm (that almost sounds like the title of a porno) and shoots them down. Masamune, also realizing what his tech is for, begins making a Nuke Facility on his new Command Center. He also sends a fresh set of 12 Marines from his main and a new Science Vessel to assault his foe again. After one Irradiate kills another Lurker (bringing the total to a manageable 4), the Marines are again slaughtered (see last GIF for accurate representation of the 'battle').

==At this time, Lunarian has hatched 2 horny elephants towards his Terran foe. The Marines at the ramp Bunker and the solitary Ghost behind it manage to kill one of the beasts, but the remaining one takes out the Bunker and the rest of the garrison and begins to work on the base structures. A lone Wraith eventually (I mean eventually) manages to kill the beast, but not before it kills several of the remaining SCVs. Masamune finally expands, floating his original CC to his natural. Unfortunately, just as it comes online, 4 Ultras reach it and begin its demise. Oh yeah, remember Masamune's Guardian-killing Marine Squad? They're still camping in the 6'-9' chasm. Whether he remembered them or not, however, Masamune couldn't win with such meager force, and he promptly concedes the game.

Winner of the SPECTACULAR MEDIC PORN and your TURBO NEWBIE of the WEEK - Lunarian_FuSoYa!!!

And in a crude distortion of the Nobody tradition, a sample of what these brave souls were fighting for:

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ENDGAME

Translation: 'Let the games END for the love of God.' or 'Even STILL a great song by REM'

==This brings to a conclusion the Turbo Newbie Game of the Week series. As you will likely notice, I'm too lazy to do this every week, but I'm also too lazy to change the name to 'Turbo Newbie Game of the Whenever We Feel Like It,' so you may see these reports sporadically in the future. I hope you enjoyed this, llaughing like we did at the plight of the Urban Newbie.

==Since this was a newbie series, any Lessons Learned would number in the triple digits according to the many ways these guys could have improved their game. But that's the fun of it. And since no units were really used to effectiveness, there is no MVP unit either. For livingexception and myself, this is teck.lika.hore signing off. But to offer you something before you leave, you can read dialogue between myself and another (un)satisfied customer:

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