The()vermind, (now known as I) slowly stands upright, and walks sluggishly towards his alarm clock. I collapse onto the little clock, and bring its annoying beeping to a halt. A rush of information reaches my head as the silence in my room begins, like that today is Sunday, and that the Super bowl is today. Knowing that even if I get back in bed, I’ll never be able to go back to sleep, I drag myself across the long 4 feet to my computer. I press the button that turns the comp on, and wonder to myself why I set my alarm in the first place.

The reason for this unorthodox awakening dawns on me, when I set my alarm the previous night, I wanted to set the alarm for 10:30, but instead I set it for 6:30. Suddenly a huge noise comes from the speakers, and I frantically lower the volume as the familiar face of Rook and death knight appears on the screen. I double click on the mind spring icon on the desktop, and immediately enter Starcraft Brood War, going straight for battle net. The dialup completes as I press enter in the multi-player screen. I type in my password, and immediately set my course for channel clan ~nohunters, world of unhappy gamers. When I enter, I find 2 people who are not afk, MasturNate and Unvytae. I /where a couple of friends and find a_monkey, playing a "3 Vs 1 comp RUSH." I tell him to abandon his dishonorable comp stomp and join me in observing a game. Reluctantly he accepts, and arrives in the channel within seconds.

MasturNate and Unvytae immediately decide to play a 1 Vs 1, and invite a_monkey and I to join them. Another player, :oP comes in later on. When I arrive in the game I glance at the map and the players, seeking to find the battleground for this conflict. The map is revealed as Snowbound, and both players go for random. Unvytae immediately presses ok, and we get into the game within moments.

The race is won when Unvytae’s stargate releases a corsair. The corsair goes straight for an overlord circling the protoss base and the overlord floating with all its might retreats with the speed of a slug running from a salt shaker. Unfortunately, the overlord/slug is halfway to its home before the corsair/salt shaker catches up and kills/shakes salt on the pathetic being. Thus, the first kill of the game is completed as MasturNate begins morphing in a Queen’s Nest and a Spire. Minutes after this event, Unvytae orders a shuttle, loaded with a probe west, to the expansion stationed there.

At this point in the game, there has not been much action. While Unvytae has 1 expansion, he also has a small group of corsairs stationed at his base. Meanwhile, MasturNate has morphed 4 scourge, and has 2 hatcheries/lairs to morph additional units from. At the moment Unvytae has no knowledge of where MasturNate is, but has an idea, considering that MasturNate ordered his overlord in the direction of his base before it was killed by the first air unit of the game. MasturNate knows exactly where Unvytae is, but does not have as many air units, nor is he as advanced in the tech tree as Unvytae.

Unvytae begins his first scouting mission with 3 corsairs, ordering them to the suspected Zerg base site. The 3 corsairs, in their travels, accidentally change course, and halt a bit north of MasturNate base. The corsairs sight a spire, and move south, encountering four scourge and a spore colony. The colony opens fire and the scourge target the corsairs, and in response, Unvytae orders them out of there. The scourge catch up, and destroy 2 of the 3 corsairs. The surviving corsair flies back home and this skirmish is officially over with MasturNate clearly being the victor.

Relishing his victory, MasturNate orders 2 queens south to Unvytae’s base. En route 1 is killed, and the other lets loose a parasite on one of Unvytae’s probes. Unvytae, fearing a large-scale invasion of mutalisks, places photon cannons at separate intervals around his base. In addition, he orders one of his cannons to destroy the defective probe. This small skirmish is now over with the only result being the loss of 2 queens and the destruction of a probe.

MasturNate, knowing that Unvytae’s defenses are relatively weak, assembles a semi-large strike force of mutalisks and scourge, in total, 4 mutalisks, 3 scourge and 1 queen. The Zerg forces move in from the northwest, the place where Unvytae has placed the least cannons. To make things worse, Unvytae’s few corsairs are out on scouting missions. Furthermore, the only cannon in the area is still being warped in, placing Unvytae in a very bad situation indeed.

The mutalisks arrive about 10 seconds before the cannon has completed being warped in. Thus, the mutalisks get some free shots before protoss forces can fire back. The cannon completes warping in, and inflicts minimal damage before being destroyed. At this point, Unvytae has ordered his scouting corsairs back towards his main, but they are coming one by one. MasturNate dispatches 2 scourge to inflict damage on the 2 corsairs already en route. Both corsairs are destroyed, but a dragoon and another corsair arrive from the east. MasturNate, fearing casualties to his already small air fleet, orders the squadron to retreat back to his base.

By now, MasturNate has begun an expansion just to the north of his main. He also is morphing large groups of mutalisks and scourges every couple of minutes. Meanwhile, Unvytae is recovering from the small shock to his infrastructure, and reinforces his grid of cannons with corsairs. 2 cannons defend his expansion, and 4 probes are mining there vigorously. Overall, MasturNate has the upper hand with a larger army, but does not have the resource advantage.

The next action of the game takes place just west of Unvytae’s main, at his expansion. It appears that MasturNate has ordered 8 mutalisks to scout the possible expansion, knocked on the door, and got a kick in the face. The mutalisks encounter 2 cannons, and begin to destroy them one by one. The mutalisks lose about 3 of their number before the final cannon falls silent. By now, Unvytae has dispatched reinforcement which arrive about 3 seconds after the final cannon falls. The 3 corsairs go against the 5 mutalisks, and the battle begins.

The battle does not seem as one sided as it seems. The mutalisks are heavily damaged, and clustered together so that the corsair’s splash damage will take its full effect. The mutalisks fly right on top of the corsairs, and within moments, 2 Zerg air units die, and the survivors take flight for home. The corsairs give chase, and kill a single mutalisk before abandoning the chase, leaving 2 mutalisks alive. Another battle in favor of Unvytae, with no large decisive battles being fought yet.

At this point of the game, Unvytae is now the dominant player on the field. Having devastated the majority of the Zerg air force, he has recieved major benefits from the amount of time allotted for MasturNate to build up another fleet. He uses this time for the recovery of his expansion's defenses. However, MasturNate, in an effort to build up his resources faster, decides to take the risk of building an expansion on the no mans land between his territory and Unvytae. Unvytae’s patrolling observers pick this pincer movement into his territory within minutes of its inception. 5 corsairs are sent to ward of the overlord circling above, and the overlord is killed right when 3 scourge and 2 mutalisks arrive to defend the expansion.

The resulting skirmish leaves 2 corsairs, several scourge and a single mutalisk dead. Unvytae, fearing the loss of his small air fleet orders his remaining 2 corsairs home, leaving the Zerg pincer movement unscathed. Still, Unvytae has an observer above this hatchery, and the silent espionage continues. Unvytae, knowing that MasturNate will soon be able to take advantage of the wedge in his territory, drops 5 dragoons and a probe on the ridge in between his and MasturNate mains. As the probe warps in a pylon, the 5 dragoons move towards MasturNate expansion. The dragoons meet no resistance, and crush the expansion. MasturNate, at about the same time beings an expansion at the top center mineral/vespane patch.

Unvytae strategically has an advantage, with a small outpost on the ridge that has the ability to move ground troops to the majority of the expansions available. Minutes after eliminating MasturNate expansion, Unvytae orders a group of 6 corsairs north towards MasturNate’s natural expansion. The corsairs quickly destroy an overlord, then retreat north as hydralisks begin to open fire. Suddenly, as the hydralisks move north, dragoon fire falls onto them from above. Unvytae, using his outpost, has ordered dragoons north to attack the expansion. The ridge is the key to the map known only as Snowbound, the Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, now you know it, or at least you should know it.

The attack force runs into 2 sunkens and the hydralisks in pursuit of the corsairs. Unvytae, believing that behind this wall are many more hydralisks and zerglings, orders the dragoons and reavers back. The hydralisks and their reinforcements in the form of zerglings give chase, and are slaughtered by dragoon and reaver fire. More Zerg forces stream out of the expansion, and the source of this swarm is clear, a nydus canal from MasturNate’s main is 3 yards to the south of the hatchery. As another wave of zerglings and hydralisks run and claw their way up the ramp, Unvytae, who has so far only lost a reaver, orders his force of dragoons and shuttles holding reavers, south, back towards the protoss outpost where additional protoss ground units are gathering.

As the protoss forces retreat, their reinforcements get closer, and they halt about ¼ of the way to their outpost. As the two protoss forces sight each other, a single zergling sent my MasturNate glimpses the combined protoss army before being killed. Unvytae, knowing that he has lost the surprise initiative, orders his forces towards MasturNate’s expansion. At about the same time, MasturNate, hoping to surprise the protoss forces, orders his force of hydralisks and zerglings straight for where the protoss army was last seen. Formation wise while MasturNate is deploying his forces in one big blob, Unvytae’s forces are moving almost single file, with the majority of his forces jumbled up in the back.

Of course the two opposing armies meet each other, and initially the Zerg forces are winning, killing a couple of corsairs and dragoons. However, as more protoss forces are deployed, and a reaver arrives on the field, MasturNate realizes that he is outnumbered and outgunned. The hydralisks and zerglings begin their retreat back to the expansion, with protoss dragoons, corsairs, and reavers in hot pursuit. As the Zerg forces near the ramp to their expansion, they halt and open fire on the rapidly gaining protoss forces. After inflicting no casualties, and losing about 70% of their force, the Zerg troops retreat, again with protoss forces giving chase.

MasturNate, in celebration, starts an expansion on the extreme western part of the map. In minutes, Unvytae’s corsairs detect this expansion, and using the all-powerful ridge o’ transporting troops, sends 4 dragoons to disrupt or destroy the still mutating hatchery. In response, MasturNate orders a group of hydralisks to destroy these invaders. Using their height advantage, the hydralisks crush the dragoons easily, reducing Unvytae’s army significantly. MasturNate, believing that Unvytae’s army has been reduced significantly because of his failed invasions, orders a large force of hydralisks south, to the protoss outpost that is the heart of all of Unvytae’s military operations. The outpost has the majority of Unvytae’s gateways, and about 2/3 of his ground forces is stationed there.

At this point of the game, Unvytae has completely lost the initiative. After losing significant numbers of troops in his invasions, he no longer outnumbers MasturNate with his protoss forces. Strategically, he’s got the advantage, with an outpost on the only ground passage that leads to the majority of the expansions on the map. Resource wise, he’s not doing so well, with his main mined out and only two expansions, opposed to MasturNate’s 3.

Anyway, MasturNate orders his hydralisks forward, encounter Unvytae’s reserve of zealots and background fire from photon cannons. The battle begins, and for a brief time the two armies clash with few casualties. At that moment the zealots begin a retreat for the safety of Unvytae’s full screen of cannons. MasturNate, upon seeing the cannons, orders his hydralisks to retreat back to base. The skirmish is over, with no lasting result except for the deaths of 4 hydralisks.

Unvytae, believing that it will take time for the hydralisks to move back home, orders a group of 9 corsairs north to go "overlord hunting." The corsairs fly about, taking minimal fire from hydralisks and spore colonies, all the while killing overlords. The only fighting units killed are 5 mutalisks that were sent to stop the corsairs. Overall, the casualty report contains no casualties for the protoss royal air force opposed to the deaths of 5 overlords and 5 mutalisks for the Zerg swarm. Unvytae continues to make hit and run attacks while building up a fleet of ships and zealots that can face MasturNate’s Zerg swarm face to face.

Unvytae begins his massive offensive after 6 separate hit and run attacks. The attack is made up of 5 carriers, most of them having 8 interceptors, 8 corsairs, 8 zealots, and 4 high templar (so many 8s, right?) MasturNate, in response orders a large group of hydralisks south to engage the enemy invasion. The zealots and templar crush this counterattack as other hydralisks battle the incoming interceptors with the ferocity of a drunken man, and the effectiveness of a dead guy.

Needless to say, Unvytae’s assault so far is a complete success, with his carriers at the expansion destroying the hatchery located there. As the hydralisks fall one by one, the carriers set their course to destroy the creep colony located a couple of yards north. However, a large group of scourge arrive, and since the interceptors are focusing their firepower on the creep colony, the scourge come in unopposed. This counterattack is the critical point of the invasion. The toll on the protoss fleet is 60% casualties, with only 2 surviving carriers. With the spine of his invasion almost completely destroyed Unvytae orders his forces south, back to the protoss outpost. On the way back, another carrier is destroyed, and the other is heavily damaged.

MasturNate, believing that the time is ripe for a counter punch begins to prepare a massive drop of 20-30 hydralisks south to Unvytae’s center-left expansion. Fortunately for Unvytae, patrolling corsairs locate these overlords, and open fire. The overlords stop short of their objective, and begin dropping the hydralisks about 20 yards north of their intended target. As the hydralisks open fire, the corsairs begin to chase MasturNate’s overlords back north towards home. One corsair takes the trouble of casting a disruption web, delaying MasturNate’s attack.
Unvytae, using the delay caused by his corsairs, orders his heavily damaged carrier, and his 2 brand new ones west to destroy this drop. The carriers get about 6 seconds between when they opened fire, to when the hydralisks move out of the disruption web, and open fire on the carriers. One carrier is destroyed, and the 2 remaining carriers set their course to the east, to try and evade these deadly hydralisks. The carriers do not leave without inflicting damage though, killing 4 hydralisks before their retreat is complete.

The carriers stop their retreat about midway between the expansion’s island and the protoss out post. At this point on the map, the carriers can hit the hydralisks from out of range of their counterparts. The hydralisks move west, to get out of range of these annoying carriers. The carriers move west as well, and because of the disruption webs scattered around the ground, the carriers have the ability to inflict even more casualties before having to retreat again to the east. Finally, the corsairs from the north that were chasing the overlords come back, and cast plenty of disruption webs before facing the devourers that were following them. The carriers move in and destroy the last of the hydralisks.

At this point of the game, the resource battle is about even. Both players have 3 expansions that still have resources, and have respectable armies. But Unvytae still has an outpost on the ridge that leads to the majority the expansions on the map. To make the matters worst, the outpost is heavily defended with ground troops and photon cannons. If MasturNate wants to have the overall strategic advantage, he has to take that outpost.

The next action of the game shows Unvytae attacking MasturNate expansion. This expansion is located on the same mineral patch that Unvytae destroyed with his carriers a couple of minutes ago. MasturNate has established another hatchery here, and is now under fire from brand new carriers and the zealots escorting them. MasturNate orders a group of hydralisks south to engage this threat, but the Zerg forces come in single file, and are thus easily slaughtered by Unvytae’s zealots. The expansion falls, and Unvytae orders his forces northwest, towards MasturNate closest expansion.

As advance scouts for the invasion, Unvytae’s corsairs cast a massive disruption web on the only spore colony in the expansion. As the expansion falls, the remaining hydralisks in that area load onto overlords, and move directly south, to engage Unvytae’s center left expansion again. Unvytae witnesses the overlords embarking, and orders corsairs to engage and harass the overlords. The majority of the overlords successfully drop their cargo onto the nexus, and the hydralisks destroy it before defenses from the north can arrive.

The carrier fleet moves from the north and crushes the few hydralisks still alive. The carriers then move back north to destroy the remaining Zerg bases. Skirmishes between different types of ground troops begin across the map as Unvytae begins a general offensive on almost all the Zerg bases to "loosen" up defenses for the carriers. MasturNate frantically constructs scourge at all his bases, but Unvytae has learned from his earlier failed offensive, and 12 corsairs escort all his carriers.

MasturNate, frantic to save himself, loads his overlords and sets course to the center left expansion again. Unvytae is warping in a nexus there, but also has 2 carriers circling it. The carriers open fire, and kill the hydralisks with the assistance of lots of disruption webs surrounding them. With the failure of his last ditch invasion complete, MasturNate knows he has lost. He whispers a hearty gg, and the game ends.