"Scorched Basin: where the women are uglier than the tileset and the peons require state-sanctioned bussing to reach the nearest trees."
- CattleBruiser's Basin Street Blues
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| A Fake BattleReport | | | Author: | | | IP: | adsl-63-XXXX | | Date: | 10/04/01 06:10 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 3, Min: 3
Lifetime Rating for Weirdo_From_Space: 3.0000 |  | Introduction
Okay, I'm going to be blunt: at I suck. I suck at playing Starcraft. I suck at writing up BRs. I suck at writing. I suck at humor. I suck. So: I'm a lazy bum, and I suck. This following battle report is not actually a true story, and hence, you'll find practically no pictures. Whether this is my fault or the fault of that old, fat guy next door is left entirely up to you. Now I'm done.....
P.S: The characters are fictional too.
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And the game was on! at Lost Temple, Faldorn’s favorite map, was soon inhabited by a proud Protoss at 12:00 and a savage Zerg at 3:00. Faldorn quickly selected his Probes and dictated them to mine at separate mineral patches and summoned a Probe from Auir. Again and again, he constructed Probes and sent them to mineral patches. After the seventh Probe, he ordered a Pylon to support his ever-growing army and sent the reckless Probe counter-clockwise around the map. Soon after, a Gateway and Assimilator were constructed.
Mangor, meanwhile, adopted the barbaric Zerg and hatched a Drone, while sending his Drones to mineral patches. Instead of floating his Overlord over to discover Faldorn’s position, he preferred to send out his Drone first. Eerily similarly, he hatched an Overlord after his seventh Drone. Again, a lone Drone was traversing the open plains counter-clockwise. As the sun rose steadily over the empty battlefield, another morphing Hatchery and Zergling Pool were seen over the fearsome creep.
The Drone was first to discover the whereabouts of the enemy, and it decided to cause some trouble. Refusing to sit idly, it commenced to attack a nearby Probe. After killing one, Faldorn caught on and destroyed the harassing Drone, spewing warm blood across the barren ground. First blood was shed.
Faldorn’s Probe finally discovered Mangor’s position and found a morphing Hatchery near to a cluster of gleaming crystals. The Probe quickly transferred its information back to Faldorn and decided to attack the threat with its Fusion Cutters. Soon after, a Zealot joined in the fray and the Hatchery seemed doomed. However, a line of 6 Zerglings charged down a ramp and tore asunder the lone zealot and probe with their vicious teeth, losing only one. Single-mindedly, they charged forward into Faldorn’s main base, but he was prepared. 2 Zealots met the sing-file line of Zerglings at the top of the ramp, and after losing 3 of their kind, the Zerglings opted to retreat. 1 of the Zergling burrowed itself at the foot of the ramp.
By now, Faldorn had a Cybernetics Core, another Gateway, and a Citadel of Adun kicking in. Mangor, on the other hand, had finally built an Extractor, had completed the Hatchery that Faldorn had tried to destroy, and had a Hydralisk Den along with a fresh Lair. A lull took over the battle grounds for several minutes as both players concentrated on beefing up their forces.
Faldorn sent a contingent of a 12 Zealots and 6 Dragoons to the center of the map, hoping to attack Mangor as soon as he could muster the reinforcements. The lone Zergling at the foot of the 9:00 base spotted this and an army of 12 Zerglings and approximately 40 Hydralisks was sent to combat the threat. The force slammed into Faldorn’s, and the combined might of the Hydralisks and Zerglings cut a swath through Faldorn’s force. Wisps of blue smoke vanished into the air and the crippled Dragoons bent down and leaked blood over the plains. Watching in horror as blue blood seeped into the grassy plain, Faldorn was forced to abdicate his position, but knew that the remaining enemy forces would attack his main base. He impatiently waited for his new High Templars to be trained.
He was right. The remaining forces left from the previous battle slammed into Faldorn’s natural. But he was prepared. Psionic Storms crackled in the air, and within moments, the Hydralisks erupted in a burst of blood that enveloped their remaining brethren. Mangor, deciding not to push his Hydralisks onward, retreated to the relative safety of his main base.
A fly drifted lazily over a Hatchery. A greedy Hydralisk eyed it beadily and roasted it with its acidic spines. No mercy was to be expected with the Swarm. That was a lesson learned the hard way by many.
However, Mangor’s loss of his army of Hydralisks had cost him a fortune, and he desperately needed some minerals and gas. He expanded to the 6:00 position, taking its natural as well. Similarly, Faldorn expanded to the 9:00 position, taking its natural.
By now, both players had almost completely traversed the tech ladder, and each had half of the map to themselves. It looked like it was even so far, but the stalemate was bound to break soon. Small skirmished broke out near the middle, but neither player had an advantage for long...
Ultralisks. Mangor had finished with them. The rumbling behemoths trundled over the rock-stricken plain, the ground beneath them shuddered under their titanic weight. Their razor-sharp Kaiser Blades gleamed in the sun’s face, as if in tribute to the carnage they would wreak upon their Protoss foes.
And carnage it was. A hushed silence fell over the battleground a moment before Protoss clashed with Zerg.
Countless Psionic Storms, Zealots, Dragoons, Reaver, and even occasional Archons plagued the monstrosity’s, but to no avail. As the Ultralisks slammed into Protoss buildings, their hooves grounded the smaller Zealots to pulp. More Ultralisks came, and Faldorn realized that all was lost. Hydralisks and Zerglings joined in the fray, and all that was left of the once-proud Protoss were crumbling remains of shattered buildings. Base after base fell before the fury of the Swarm, and the now-setting sun glinted one last time before falling into the black depths of space.
Mutalisks and Guardians finished off fleeing Probes, and the Faldorn that once thrived on the Lost Temple was but a shriveled husk of himself. The Zerg had won their right to infest yet another world... but the time would come........the time would come.....
Conclusion
Hmm... if you’ve gotten here, then you must either be crazy or just a fanatic. Yes, the names were lame, and the story was lame. The capitalization of every unit was oddly appeasing to me. The lack of pictures was just...stupid. And yes, please post “constructive comments” about my coughlamecough report. Thanks you, and have a good decade or so.
This has been a report by the one and only Weirdo_from_Space
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