So, I was having a discussion with a friend about Starcraft strategy. Eventually, we got around to the topic of official Starcraft literature. He proceeded to call Prima’s Official Strategy Guide things that I won’t mention here. However, everyone knows that it is the Starcraft player’s bible. To prove him wrong and demonstrate the power of Prima, I proudly present:

Part I: “The Terrans should hold a special place in your heart”

           The best way to prove the superiority of The Guide seems to be to put the strategies it expounds into action. As The Guide says, terrans should hold a special place in everyone's heart, so I have chosen to demonstrate The Guide’s tactics for this fine race first. To make sure that everyone agrees that the tactics are the deciding factor and not a map imbalance, the battle took place in The Lost Temple, pitting me (under another name of mine, HolidayMeatball), as Terran, against two swarms of Zerg commanded by waitforme…* and R-751*.

           My command center comes online at the 3:00 start and soon has an SCV being built and 4 others mining. Having absolutely no idea what I’m about to face, I quickly consult The Guide and decide to get “the Terran’s most versatile unit, Marines.” The Guide goes on to say that marines can double as missile turrets, are effective against ground and air units, and can “really shine on the ground.” The game proceeds quietly for several minutes, so I send out some marines on patrol to make sure I’m safe. They rapidly encounter an incoming attack…

           Undaunted, I proceed to my backup plan: Wraiths! “Cloaked Wraiths can do some very serious damage to unsuspecting enemy units.” Even as their troops march up my ramp, I prepare to beat them back and launch my first 4 wraiths. They follow the secret plan of blowing up over the enemy so that wreckage from their planes kills the hydras, but they are destroyed before they get that far. Fortunately, I have two more wraiths waiting for them at the top of the ramp, which hold them off for a few precious milliseconds while more marines come to life and stop the attack just short of my base.

            Having just had almost all of my forces eliminated, I concentrate on rebuilding my defenses. Still not knowing what attack will come back, I rebuild my versatile marines and add some turrets just in case, following The Guide's strategy: “Turrets like to be grouped; otherwise they get lonely.” Well, I certainly don’t want my turrets to be lonely!

            Unfortunately, my turrets turn out to be useless as another wave of hydralisks and zerglings comes pouring up my ramp and overwhelms what little I have left. Terrans aren’t my best race, anyways. Prima’s strategy truly outdoes itself for the Zerg…

Part II: “Vast swarms of Zerglings will rip the flesh off enemy units"

            With an introductory line like that, who wouldn’t be awestruck by the power of the mighty Zerg? And, after my last game, the Zerg sure do seem awfully powerful. To get my revenge and demonstrate the might of The Guide, I (still purple!) return to The Lost Temple, spawning a hatchery at 6:00, while my opponent, Shakur[RTZ]* has landed as Terran at 9:00. I wanted to get my lings as quickly as possible, so I acquired a spawning pool immediately. To recap: I have gone 4-pool, while he has gone with the ridiculously slow build order of 8-depot 10-rax. Little does he suspect the 6 lings that already run towards his base. My lings reach the base, slaughter the lone marine he has made, and move in on the SCVs. What happens next defies description. The actual screenshot is too gory to show, so a reproduction with actors has been staged (colors changed to protect the innocent):

            Who woulda known that SCVs can tear apart Zerglings? The Guide clearly states that “SCVs are for building structures and harvesting resources.” WTF. The casualties so far: Me: 6 lings. Shakur[RTZ]: 1 marine, 1 SCV.

            Still, I don’t give up yet. Expecting a counter, I climb the tech tree and acquire Hydralisks, “because they’re so versatile.” Just like the Marines! Versatility, yes! My two hydras reinforce my 4 Lings and 2 sunkens to create virtually impenetrable defenses. However, my crafty opponent guides his marines around my sunkens to the back of my base, where I’m forced to engage him with the hydras and lings alone. Turns out that marines and medics are just a bit stronger (not to mention more versatile) than hydras.

            The Terran bastard goes on to raze my entire main, so all my drones flee to start a new base at the 3:00 main. About 12 arrive, and immediately set up shop. Obviously, I need defense as a first priority, so I check what The Guide has to say about Zerg defense: “Sunken Colonies… will be largely responsible for defending your main creep.” So I begin construction on as many sunkens as possible along with some extra lings to rip more flesh. By the time I’m done, I have some pretty formidable defenses.

            Everything goes smoothly until I tell a ling to scout and encounter Shakur[RTZ] coming up my ramp. However, I am confident that my defenses will hold. Until I hear the unmistakable sound of a siege tank preparing, followed by the explosion of an Arclite cannon. As my sunkens begin to explode, I hurriedly grab my lings and send them forth. Sadly, none of them make it. I madly turn the pages of The Guide, but only find: “Siege Tanks can make dead Zerglings in a hurry.” I guess he reads The Guide, too. I congratulate him on his knowledge of expert strategy just before he razes my last building.

Part III: “The Protoss are the most highly evolved species"

            The Protoss are not only my best race, but are the most technologically advanced. The biological Zerg and inferior Terrans have no hope of surviving the combined might of the Protoss and The Guide. Once again, I return to my old stomping grounds at the temple. My opponent this time is Crus|-|er*, who lands at the Temple with a command center at 9:00. I warp in from Aiur at the 6:00 start and soon have 4 perfectly cloned probes. After having been eliminated quickly twice in a row, I go straight for defense- in the form of Photon Cannons. “A grid of Photon Cannons can be all the defense you'll ever need,” as The Guide says. I quickly assemble my grid and, armed with “all the defense you'll [I'll] ever need,” I move on to bigger and better things.

            What exactly do I want? Dark Archons. “The Dark Archon is arguably the game's most influential unit,” The Guide instructs. Armed with the most influential unit in the game, how could I lose? Operating at peak efficiency, I quickly obtain two DAs, only having to fend off one attack in the meantime. I send both of them to the front lines and feel even more confident in my defense. I see another attack approaching and quickly ready my defenses...

           Then, as the fight begins, I quickly return my eyes to The Guide and continue reading the section on Dark Archons: “It's of no value in melee combat.” WTF are they doing calling it the game's most influential unit if it can't even fight?

           Crus|-|er orders the surviving marines (that's all of them) to form a victory congo line to party and come waltzing up my ramp into my waiting photon cannons. Phew! That was a close one!

           Bitter about my recent loss, I decide to crank things up and go on the offensive. “How?”, you may be asking. “Isn't that obvious?” I answer. I want Carriers, “perhaps Starcraft’s most powerful weapon.” After a short time, I’ve produced 4 armed with interceptors. They quickly head north to wreak havoc upon my unsuspecting opponent...

           Once again, my strategy fails me. Realizing that there is no hope left for me, I give a gg to Crus|-|er and head out.

Part IV: Appendix D

           In retrospect, it is obvious that the power of The Guide lies not in its strategy for each individual race, but in its overall wisdom. To access this wisdom, I read through The Guide, noting the style of play used in the campaign maps. The further I read, the more convinced I am of what I'm seeing, and I finally acquire proof of what I’m thinking. On page 89 of the vanilla edition, the top screenshot clearly shows a player with 10099 minerals and 10000 vespene. Perhaps these sums could be achieved in normal play, but not on this map. On this map, the third mission of the Terran campaign, you have a thirty minute time limit, so there is no legitimate way to obtain that much vespene! The message that The Guide is trying to communicate is clear: the winning strategy is to cheat!

           Fortunately, The Guide is prepared to help cheating: it comes with an appendix filled with all the cheat codes. This is Appendix C for the vanilla version and Appendix D for the expansion for anyone interested in finding it.

           Now that I have harnessed the true power of The Guide, I have the power to defeat anyone and everyone. To test it out, I get back onto Battle.net and into another game at the site of my previous losses, the temple. My opponent, -Bryce-*, selected Protoss, while I (back to purple...), go random, having no fear of losing. After landing my command center at the 3:00 start, my first action is, of course, to procure some money. This can be accomplished quit simply with the “show me the money” command.

           Well, the problem is obvious. The folks at Blizzard simply haven't gotten the cheats to work right with version 1.09 yet. I'm sure they'll have it ready any time now. The point is, this is the power of The Guide, and as soon as Blizzard has everything working, only those who follow Prima will have any chance of victory. Remember the cheat that Prima has shown and you know How to Play Starcraft!

Part V: The Test

           Congratulations! If you've been paying attention, you now know How to Play Starcraft according to Prima’s Official Strategy Guide. However, are you ready to venture into the world with these new tactics? Before you go, I recommend taking this test to see if you have what it take to be a true Starcraft master. There are 8 multiple choice questions and 4 extra credit short answer questions. If you think you know the correct answers to all 8 regular questions and possibly some of the extra credit, post your answers in the Comments section. The true answers shall be revealed and the masters seperated from (here’s a new word for your Starcraft vocabulary) the newbies.

1. The Guide has alternate names for several units. What is the alternate name for Reavers?

           a. Scarab Launchers

           b. Ground Carriers

           c. Protoss Tanks

           d. Wurms

2. True/False: According to The Guide, the corsair’s attack is “very weak.”

3. Which species is the “middle-of-the-road species” according to The Guide?

           a.Terran

           b.Protoss

           c.Zerg

4.The Guide has alternate names for several units. What is the alternate name for Scourges?

           a.Death Mosquitoes

           b.Killer Bees

           c.Battlecruiser Destroyers

           d.Carrier Killers

5.True/False: The Guide states that “High Templars can fight.”

6.What unit does The Guide say the Protoss should use to counter Marines?

           a.High Templar

           b.Dark Templar

           c.Zealot/Reaver

           d.Dragoon

7.According to The Guide, what do Infested Terrans explode into?

           a.Bits of Flesh

           b.Toxic Gases

           c.Blood

           d.Nothing

8.What cheat, according to The Guide, gives you 10,000 gas?

           a.breathe deep

           b.whats mine is mine

           c.the gathering

           d.something for nothing

Extra Credit 1. Define the following terms:           gosu           t.t           gl           hf

Extra Credit 2. How far can a dog run into a forest?

Extra Credit 3. Which map is overplayed more, BGH or LT, and why?

Extra Credit 4. Create a Grand Unified Theory that reconcile's Einstein's Relativity and Quantum Mechanics.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I would like to thank Bart Farkas, author of Prima's Official Strategy Guide for Starcraft. In addition, I would like to add that he does offer advice that can be useful to those inexperienced in the ways of Starcraft.

-Adhara-