"You know it's not an authentice Rubber Ducky report/comment if there aren't broken images"
-Persian-POW
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| Why I Should Be A Rater II | | | Author: | | | IP: | s13.dialXXXX | | Date: | 05/09/02 09:05 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 7, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for ThePalisade: 5.9231 |  |
In my quest to become a rater I hit upon a wonderful idea. It occured to me that though I fight on the side of all that is good and just, the only way I could truly win this battle of wills is to write actual battle reports. So, without further ado, I give you:
“A Day in the Life of ThePalisade”
Part II
You walk into your home after a long day of school and find your cat waiting for you. You give it a concilatory pat and trudge upstairs to your room. The quality time usually spent with your cat is postponed as you hit the button on your monitor to start your computer’s boot up sequence. There is no time for fun and games. You have a mission.
A minute later you are looking at your desktop and you notice how blue and beautiful it looks on such a nice summer day. But there is no time for revery. You start the log on to the internet with a few practiced clicks of your Pro Mouse™. Watching the screen, motionlessly, you wait for your connection. However, your observations come to an adbrubt end as your glasses slide off your nose and onto the floor. Quickly, you pick them up and replace them.
For once your first attempt logs you online. Frantically, you click on the shortcut to Internet Explorer. At 2,250 wpm (estimated), you type in “www.battlereports.com”.
Gleefully, you read the current news on this, your favorite site. It is even better than you anticipated. Drool begins leaking out of the corner of your mouth as soon as you read “CrackHeadJeb”.
Faster than a fat guy on his way to McDonald’s, you hit the link to CrackHeadJeb’s newest report. The next few minutes are lost in eternty as you become absorbed in this newest work of art. FFA reflects itself in your glasses while your cat anxiously paws at your face to see if you are still breathing.
Once your Jeb binge has run its course you think to check on your own battle report. You smile as you notice the 32 comments that have been bestowed upon your heart’s labor.
After a few moments of silent, contained celebration you move on to the more uneventful time of your day, Battle.net. Your mind whirls with a thousand ideas for your next battle report. You quickly discard the idea of reporting on the Mouse Rodeo or your recent game of Balderdash™. Suddenly, it hits you! You will battle report your journey into unknown territory. The time has come for you to become the student of the first gamer you find with enough skill to beat a computer 1v1 60% of the time. Your pickings will be slim but your search will not be in vain.
“An Evening in ~Nohunters: OMFG”
You all know what it is like to come home from school and all you want to do is play one really good game of Starcraft before you tackle that load of homework you have in your bag. This was one of those days for yours truly. I got home, ran upstairs, chucked my bag about 3 yards to my room, and dove into my computer chair. I was on battle.net quicker than a blonde on her way to a N’Sync concert. After I realized I had to go to the bathroom, actually went to the bathroom, and came back, everyone was afk in ~Nohunters.
Feeling abashed, I hit the “Join” icon and scrolled down to a suitable game. I immediately noticed a “1v1 lt no lag”. Acting quickly, I double clicked and was in the game. My opponent was “SoYLeNtGReeN.”. In typical fashion, I checked his stats and found an impressive (almost) ladder record. I later found out he is ranked 274th. He started up the game without saying anything. I gave a cheerful “gl” and we were off, him picking Protoss and me picking random!
Due to the graphic nature of this game and the utter stupidity of my opponent, I have decided to present this report in a new, innovative format. I like to call it: “Flash Battle Reporting”. I’d rather not bore you with pitiful details so I will “flash” between moments of importance. Enjoy.
0.00
ThePalisade plops his orange Hatchery down in the 12:00 o’clock position. In retaliation, SoYLeNtGReeN. warped in a red nexus at 9:00 o’clock. ThePalisade does the 10/9 Extractor “trick” and then proceeds to get a Hatchery (at choke), a Spawning Pool, and an Extractor respectively. SoYLeNtGReeN. began his build up in an obscure order, warping in a Pylon, a Forge, an Assimilator, another Pylon, and a Gateway, in that order.
ThePalisade’s overlord scouted clockwise and found nothing at 3:00 so it moved on to 6:00. SoYLeNtGReeN. chose not to scout at this time. An odd choice considering ThePalisade knew his race while he himself was in the dark.
3:42
SoYLeNtGReeN. now had three Gateways, a Cybernetics Core, a Citadel of Adun, and a Templar Archives. His ground weapon upgrade was nearly complete. ThePalisade had a Lair and a nearly completed Spire. Also, his Hatchery at his natural had begun morphing.
ThePalisade takes the offensive with 9 zerglings. They quickly run up SoYLeNtGReeN.’s unblocked choke and dance into the Protoss commander’s base. A Photon Cannon takes out two zerglings but is brought down. A Pylon is also destroyed before a second Photon Cannon warps in. This one is also destroyed but three newly made Zealots kill the remaining Zerglings.
4:56
ThePalisade, half seriously...okay, jokingly, sends a control group of zerglings and two mutalisks to probe SoYLeNtGReeN.’s base once again. The attack is a disgusting farce as all the zerglings and both mutalisks die to three Zealots and three Photon Cannons. Smiling, ThePalisade licks his, uh, wounds and plans his strategy. Almost gosu, SoYLeNtGReeN. begins upgrading psyonic storm.
9:00
Keeping a watchful eye on all of the expansions, ThePalisade takes the 3:00 o’clock main and natural. He also techs to Hive and starts his Ultralisk Den. Meanwhile, his claw and carapace upgrades are each at 1/1 and rising. SoYLeNtGReeN. now has Arbiter tech and a Robotics Facility. Notably, his ground upgrades are at 2-1-1. He still has not taken an expansion and has a severe economic disadvantage as compared to ThePalisade with his 4 fully funcional bases. However, he does have 4 Gateways as compared toThePalisade’s 6 Hatcheries.
14:00
The quiet of the Lost Temple is threatened as ThePalisade builds up his army of mutalisks/zerglings/ultralisks. Doom hangs over SoYLeNtGReeN. like a hair net as the end of the game draws ever closer.
Suddenly, the mass of of Zerg smackdown moves out of ThePalisade’s base into the middle of the map. SoYLeNtGReeN.’s troops stand outside his natural, ready to receive any attackers. And then; the lunge!
But that was not the end of my night. A complete and utter smackdown would not be my first ever battle report, no sir! So I journeyed back to Nohunters to find a 1v1. BTD-Tsear gladly volunteered to 1v1 someone so that I could battle report the game. After, oh, 20 minutes of spamming the channel, tri-ho agreed to play. I created the game on Lost Temple and we were off!
Then we were...errr...on? I had to go eat dinner so I left that game after 5 minutes. But we did have a rather nice conversation before I left...
So that game was a total loss. It appears my attempts to bring you a real game have failed and I must meet my deadline for this report. So...I’ll leave you with further reasons why I should be a rater and then continue on my merry way. Cheers.
I should be a rater because:
1) Look at CrackHeadJeb’s report. I nearly orgasmed just looking at the javascript! And guess what? It was rated TWICE. Twice? OMFG. If a reporter such as CrackHeadJeb only gets TWO ratings, then what can the common man, the normal battle reporter such as ourselves, expect? With me as rater, everyone is guaranteed a rating.
2) I love Star Wars. In fact, my life is Star Wars. (Props to Mark...)
3) Why can’t we get some new blood in battlereports.com? Let’s face it, the site is stagnating. The same 12 people have been in the Hall of Fame for a gagillion years. The rater count has not changed since |]agomar was enlisted and that was half a year ago. New blood is needed to shake things up, make things more interesting.
4) I promise to stop annoying you and write real reports.
Coming soon:
- Mark4 vs Dragonsven
- HnR)Pride vs AlienSpatula
Thanks to:
1) My lovely keyboard (you so sexy)
2) My cat: The Lady in Black
3) Drefsab and |]agomar for rating my last report
4) All of you for taking time to read this
This has been a ThePalisade Production™
©2002
All Rights Reserved
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