After my last report - should I say "fiasco"? - I was bummed. Admittedly, it was a bad report, on a worse game, with nothing that would seem even remotely humorous to one who hadn't taken part in it.

Almost, I decided never to do another report.

I reconsidered when I realized I had already taken the plunge and joined the ranks of battle-reporters everywhere, and a lifetime average of 3.0 would look

So I thought, and considered, and generally plotted, trying to find a niche to fit into.

Any number of things were working against me. To name just a few:

- I don't play StarCraft very well.
- I didn't have any other games installed. Heck, I don't even have Starcraft installed right now.
- I had nothing else noteworthy or unique enough to write a report about.

Then I got an idea. Remember Drefsab's old To Kill a Newbie series? Or the BGH Strat of the Day? (Or week, whichever it was.)

Well, I could top that. Sort of. And so, I now present you with

This series will feature many, many, losing strategies, and very, very, awful games. The "star" of most reports will be myself, because I am an egotist, but because I like to try to hide that fact, it will also feature hackers, even worse newbies, and the occasional good player who had a bad day.

This evening's report (unless of course you read it in the morning) features the

Months ago, at the peak of my StarCraft career, I had a really good night. I had won in a 2v2 (thanks to my partner, who made tanks while I went for carriers. Against pure hydras from the other two, it was sheer massacre). Then I had survived in two 1v1s, and successfully backstabbed my way through a BGH Kill-the-Comp. In fact, that night is my all-time record for wins.

I was high on success, and when I wandered into a pubbie game on Hunters, and was greeted by two guys who said they were Koreans, and bad players, I was cocky enough to accept a 2v1.

I chose my usual Protoss, as it's the only thing that has ever allowed me to survive against Zerg, and this game both my opponents had chosen Zerg. That was when I began to think I had made a dumb decision, because two Zergs vs me usually results in a dead me, fast. (Assuming you can kill a ghost in the first place, but this is not the place for philosophical argument. Or is it?) My one hope was that they would kill me in under five minutes, and it wouldn't count.

Putting all thoughts of impending doom aside, crossing my fingers, and hoping the large map would work against them, I began a decidedly non-standard, power-build, so:

8-pylon 17-

Dang. Well, I was going to put up another pylon on 17, only that didn't work. My probes were assaulted by five drones. Drones! Drones!

I was startled enough that I temporarily forgot to order my probes to attack, and lost three before I remedied the situation. I took down three drones, and tried to run out the other side of the mineral line, and around, so as to surround the last two.

And I ran straight into five more drones, from the other guy. I panicked, forgot what I was doing, and only managed to kill one more drone while losing all but one of my probes.

Well, great.

I ran the probe away, trying to find a new place to start up again. Obviously, they had wasted almost their entire economy on me, so there was a chance it would be an even-ish game, as I had 400-odd minerals in the bank.

I passed a drone from the second guy. This was his sixth I had seen, and my first thought was, "Oh, dang. He's still got half an economy." So, with a little micro, I took my probe and killed the drone. My pylon just died, and my Nexus was under assault. I figured I had some time, so hid the probe away to let its shields recover, and to keep an eye for any other units coming up.

There were none.

I said, "To heck with this," started a pylon where I had been hiding my probe, and ran the robotic critter back to the Nexus, which was now in flames.

I took down the first guy's second to last drone. The second guy tried to attack my probe, and killed one of his own. My probe killed another one of his, and ran away again. The first guy, with one drone left and, it turned out, no resources, left the game. Minor victory for me, whoo!

Now it was a 1v1. I had a damaged probe, a burning Nexus, 300-some minerals, and a hidden pylon. I definitely couldn't rebuild - all he had to do was kill my Nexus, which had fewer than 300 HP remaining, and he had won. He had an overlord, a hatchery, and three drones. If he decided to fight it out, I couldn't do a thing. I might take one drone with me.

My probe, deciding that discretion may be the better part of valor, but it's still for wusses, charged his three drones. And killed one. And he left. And I had my fifth win of the night. I, content, left battle.net, to gloat.

This has been a PeaceableGhost destruction. Thank you.