A long time ago, in a video game far far away, there was a boy named Link. Well, sometimes he's a boy. Quite frequently he becomes a man, but he loses that knowledge from time to time and then reverts back to a boy. Age nonwithstanding, Link is one brave kid, and he sure does some crazy stuff to prove it.

But Link doesn't live in our "newfangled" world. He doesn't have a television set, or a cell phone, or a car, or running water - though he does use the Rupee as currency, which brings me to believe that Link doesn't live in the past, he just lives in modern-day Russia. Even without all of these new technologies, Link still finds ways to entertain himself throughout the course of his otherwise meaningless and insignificant life.

Such as finding swords. And beginning adventures.

And now, let us segue into what we can only hope to be the beginning of Link's adventures throughout the mighty realms of Hyrule and beyond. Grip the edge of your seat as you intently read to find out - does Link survive these horrible perils? Does he have the courage to attain all parts of the Triforce? Who really shot Tupac? All of this - and much more, at risk of excess - will be revealed in the pages to follow.

The adventure begins on one stormy night in the magical land of Hyrule. Link, who will be known from now on as "Fairy Boy" (or various pronouns) is in a deep sleep, dreaming of what little fairy boys dream of. His uncle is awake - presumably drunk off his rocker - and decides to take a little trip down to the liquor store when he gets sidetracked by a mysterious alcohol-induced message from none other than the Princess herself, Miss Zelda. She's been trapped in a castle by an evil wizard, and he's going to kick some serious Princess booty if some Wise Men don't start showing up so he can break those seals. Whatever the purpose, it can't be good, and Link's uncle stumbles out into the rain - but not before warning him to not leave the house.

Naturally, Link leaves the house just a few seconds after. With a sense of adolescent bravery, Link grabs the Lamp stored in a chest - because if it's in a chest, it has to be important - and marches out after his father's brother to figure out just what, exactly, is going down in Hyrule. The guards outside, who conveniently block passage to more dangerous areas at this point in the game, direct Link back to his home and give him the number of a good therapist, because he's going to be pretty fucked up after what will inevitably happen.

Rather sooner than later, Link navigates his way north and discovers the magnificent Hyrulian Motel 8 (castle). Bruno the guard denies entrance from the front - but Link would rather take the backdoor anyway. He receives yet another message from the permanently-desperate Princess Zelda, instructing him to take the path around the castle into the guarden. Our young hero does as told, and, sure enough, there's a block of shrubbery that you can't miss, leading Link to use his vicious girly arms and tear the bush from its roots. He jumps in the kid-sized hole, and thus, enters into Hyrule castle.

Now, Link's done some crazy stuff in his lifetime. Sure, he's done some hard time, tossed a few salads... maybe made some lettuce himself, if you know what I'm saying. But now that he's officially broken into Hyrule's biggest castle, he's taken a step up from crazy to stupid. There's a fine line between being wanted for randomly attacking chickens and being wanted for treason against your country, and our lovable green-clad fairy has just taken a giant leap over it.

Once brave Link is down inside the basement/sewer/wounded Uncle storage area of the castle, he immediately notices that his Uncle is in a touch of trouble. That's right, he's been wounded. Unfortunately, we can only surmise as to exactly how wounded he is, or why, because Link doesn't take the time of day to ask him if he's alright. He grabs the sword from his Uncle's hand, and, well.. you know the rest.

Now it's time for some serious ass-kicking. Armed now with a sword and a shield, this elven lad is hellbent on taking revenge for his Uncle. Or saving the world. Something ridiculous like that. Whatever he's out for, Link continues deeper into the dungeon in an attempt to find Princess Zelda, and the real secret behind the Bermuda Triangle.

The sword that Link's Uncle had was rather bad in the quality department, but with a few months of prison behind your back, you learn quite a lot as far as killing people goes. Our hero adventures further, eventually out into the courtyard. After taking care of the three guards outside (dismantled ninja-style), Link finally enters into the main part of the castle.

Upon entry, Link notices two things: the guards here are exceptionally dim, and they're also color-coded in accordance to the amount of stabs it takes to turn them into puffs of dust. He takes advantage of this knowledge by running very quickly past anything which may do bodily harm to him. Those that he does have to fight, he throws pots at. That's right - he throws pots at the most highly trained guards this kingdom has to offer. Clay pots, whick kill faster than swords. The sixteenth century Ninja weapon.

With his newfound pot-hurling power, our girlish hero advances easily from the main hall of the castle down into the dungeon below. He dispatches several guards along the way - with pots - and takes nary a scratch on his body. Among these hallways, he acquires the Boomerang, which stuns enemies when hit in traditional Boomerang style. Eventually, he enters the lavish prison where Princess Zelda is kept, at the very bottom of the basement - unfortunately, with every captured Princess, there comes a boss.

This ball-and-chain wielding menace aptly named Ball and Chain Soldier guards the jail cells of the king with extreme prejudice. As soon as Link approaches, his giant weapon begins swinging in a rather large arc around his head, which Link swiftly dodges. He decides that he needs a different approach to take care of this armored menace, and soon knows exactly what.

Pots!

From Link's powerful arm comes a single sturdy clay pot - it hits Mr. Ball-and-Chain on the head, knocking him back a few feet, and is followed immediately by a second clay deathbringer, forcing the guard of the dungeon into early retirement. Victorious and glad to be alive, Link grabs the Big Key and hoists it up proudly in typical Key Item fashion. The key allows him entrance into the cell that contains the lovable and magical dimwit, Princess Zelda.

Zelda tells Link that she felt him getting closer - which would make sense, because she is psychic. She also tells him that the Wizard is magically controlling all of the soldiers in the castle. What this wizard's intent is has yet to be uncovered, and how exactly he manages to control such stupid guards is beyond human comprehension, but Zelda fears the worst for her father, and when rich girls are in trouble, young fairy boys spring to action. The two daringly escape from the prison cell, where the Princess lets Link in on her knowledge of a secret passage.

Once they arrive back in the main part of the castle, a trip to the not-so-glorious throne room is in order. Zelda points out that the throne itself can be pushed, and she also asks for a light. Unable to resist the possibility of a nice cigarette, Link complies with Zelda's request wholeheartedly. After a romantically cancerous moment, the two enter deeper into the castle basement.

It becomes very dark down in the depths, and Link uses his Lamp to light some of the convenient Lampable spots along the way. Deeper and deeper they go, into the shadows.. soon, the sounds of scuttling rats fade away into an ubiquitous enveloping silence. It becomes darker and darker, and it seems as if the shadows are pushing against the feeble light that the lamp provides.. soon, the two will be driven to madness by the omnipresent and insatiable evil that presses on to consume their souls. Link can think of nothing but taking his pants off, because it's getting hot in there!

Sooner than later, it beccomes steadily brighter, and Zelda and Link exit together out of the darkness. They emerge into a Sanctuary (church) and meet up with the Priest, or Rabbi, or Shaman, or whoever happens to be running this Church/Synagogue/Citadel/Ambiguous Place of Nintendo Worship. Link (disappointed that they're out) is enlightened about what exactly is happening. An evil wizard with powers unlike any other mortal being on earth has begun plans to take control of Hyrule as we know it. He is stronger than any beast tenfold, and women and children flee at the mention of his name. So, naturally we need to send the skinniest and weakest little punk out to try and stop him with a ten rupee sword and a shield that couldn't stop a ping-pong ball.

Link also becomes aware of two things: an Elder in the village whom he should speak to, and a Master Sword (which he takes more interest in than some random Elder) of which he must obtain to stand any chance against the evil Wizard. It's going to be a long, arduous task, of course, and it will no doubt involve the collection of many medals and medallions and plates and hookshots and the like. Link sallies up for the ride - not before grabbing the full heart container from the chest - and gallops off into this big world we call Hyrule.

Will Link be able to find the Master Sword before the evil Wizard Agahnim takes control? Does he have what it takes to face up to the challenges of the Real World ª of Hyrule? Who is this Elder, and what does he know of Link's journey? How do they get the cream inside those twinkies? Stay tuned for the next installment of...

I hope you enjoyed the first (rather short) chapter in the Legend of Zelda: A Link to The Past series. I know continuance in a series usually doesn't work well as far as battlereporting goes, but this is anything but a battlereport, so I should be okay. You can expect these reports to be bi-weekly at the soonest and monthly at the longest.. of course, granted that it's given a good reception in the first place.

Please read it all (shouldn't be too hard) and keep refreshing the comments page for more flame wars between raters and sundry comment spamming from the author himself. If this isn't rated to my liking, I'm going to delete the report and never write another one again.

Special thanks go out to:

ZerG~LinG: because without you, I wouldn't have any Danish friends.

|]agomar: for having the true constitution to put up with me for all those years (wow, I was pretty dumb back then)

Blitzkreig_: I can always expect shitty ska songs from you. At least it's a constant in life.

Flare: showing me how to spell "village"

Big Dickie: because you're never too drunk to play micro wars.

God: because without Him, I wouldn't have anyone to blame shit on.

Thanks for reading!