A Mega-Battle is a Warhammer battle fought in teams. The catch is that no armies under 1,000 points are allowed. However, that is the only guideline, so you can expect armies and bloodbaths that would bring tears to the eyes of Kerrigan herself. A Hobbytown near where I live hold Warhammer meets every Sunday. I don’t have my own army, though I am starting to collect one, so I either watch or borrow models from my friends.

        The Battle was Imperium, or the human Space Marines and Imperial Guard, versus Aliens, who turned out to be two Tau armies, Tyranids, the Lost and Damned Chaos Plague Zombies, and Dice as Necrons. You all know what the Tyranids are from Dustbiter’s report, but the Tau are a race of aliens who are quite technologically advanced and fight for what they call “The Greater Good”. They have pretty much no close-combat troops, but unbelievable firepower at long-range. The Necrons are an ancient race of mechanical undead that work for soul-eating gods called the C’Tan. They want to destroy all life in the galaxy and feed the souls to the C’Tan, then go to sleep for a few billion years and let the life grow back. Then they start over again. Game wise they have very tough infantry, some nasty Heavy Support and Fast Attack units, and two special rules called Gauss and “We’ll be back.” All Necron units use Gauss Cannons, a strange weapon that has the capacity to vaporize any flesh it touches. If they roll a six to wound when attacking non- vehicles, the target gets NO armor save and is killed instantly. The Necrons also have the ability to repair themselves. All non-vehicle Necron units, if hit by a weapon that does not vaporize them (bolters, lasguns, etc.) merely fall down instead of being removed from play, and can roll “we’ll be back” on their next turn. If said roll is successful, they get back up. Last but not least, the Zombies are basically sucky and can’t take damage for peanuts, but are DEVASTATING in melee (as my Ultramarine friend learned only too well)

      Dice’s dad lent me four squads of Imperial Guardsmen with some flamers, rocket launchers (can use either frag missiles, hitting multiple units but low damage, or krak missiles, hitting only one target but heavy damage) and VOX casters. (gives the whole squad Leadership of eight instead of seven) He also gave me two Sentinels (take a Star Wars AT-ST, replace blast cannons with an autocannon, and you have a Sentinel), a Hellhound tank (the shell impacts and fires a flamer instead of exploding), a Chimera, (troop transport with guns, one of my Guardsmen squads hung out in there for most of the game) and a Leman Russ with a Lascannon (heavy laser weapon with powerful armor piercing), dual Heavy Bolters, and a Demolisher cannon. That thing was probably one of the best guns on the field, rivaled only by the Ion cannons atop the Tau Hammerhead Tanks, the Battlecannon on the Zombie Leman Russ across from my troops, and (especially) Dice’s dad’s Basilisk cannon. Basically, you point it in the general direction of the enemy, fire it, and it makes things explode. Necrons sure as hell can’t get up from that. Best of all, its indirect fire (doesn’t need line of sight to shoot) and uses the large blast template (even the worst scatter die rolls can’t get enemy units out of its blast radius) Lucky it was on our side. The Space Marines were Terranred with a biker squad and biker Chaplain, Assault Marine Squad, tactical squad with rocket launcher and flamer, Typhoon Landspeeder (like the landspeeder in DoW but with missiles) and (best of all) a Dreadnought with a combat claw on one arm and a twin-linked Lascannon on the other. Twin-linked weapons can be re-rolled once if you miss. In addition he had a Techmarine huddling behind my tanks. If a vehicle is immobilized or a weapon is destroyed, Techmarines can repair them.

      Dice’s little brother had the heavy stuff: two Devastator Squads with Plasma cannons, Rockets, and lascannons, several tacticals, a Rhino transport, normal model Landspeeder, and the biggest, baddest tank in the game: a Land Raider. This thing is the granddaddy of all tanks: with transport capacity for any type of infantry, twin-linked heavy bolters on the front, and two, that’s right TWO, twin-linked lascannons. Yo.

      And last but not least, the other Space Marine who we didn’t know had a dreadnought, assault marines, a few tacticals, and two squads of Terminators. Cyborg infantry with Assault Cannons (heavy bolters with a higher pwnage rating) and Storm Bolters (same as before but more pwning regular bolters) = terminators. Yo, again.

      Well, I’m probably going to be arrested by the Space Marines for that monster of an intro, but I had to get you guys realizing but how big this battle was, so let’s get to the damn report already.

      The objective was for the Imperium was to hold out until 5:30, when the battle ended. The objective for the Xenos was to destroy the Imperium. There was also a large, five-sided fort in the middle that was going to be the focus of our battle plan. Whoever got the most points for killing enemy troops (you get the same number of points for killing a unit as it and all of its wargear cost to deploy) would win 50$ worth of Game Workshop items from the store. Second prize was 35$ worth. And the ambassador award, which is whoever the players thought helped move the game along the most and was the most fun to play with, would get a blister pack free.

      The Tau across from me, the Zombies, (or Traitor Guard, whichever you prefer) Dice’s dad, and Terran Infiltrated inside the fort before the game. The Tau sent in a squad of Kroot, who are reptilian carnivores that support the Tau cause. The Traitor Guard snuck in a small squad of troops: three Traitor Guardsmen with Lasguns supporting a heavy bolter team. Across from there Terranred deployed his large squad of Scout Marines: about 14 of them, and carrying some juicy weapons. Last but definitely not least, Dice’s dad (we’ll call him DD) sent in his elite troops: a squad of eight Imperial Stormtroopers. These are guardsmen with a Space Marine-class armor save. (wooo!)

     There was only one entrance to the fort and me, Terranred, and Dice’s brother (let’s just call him Leon) planned to rush for it, take positions on the walls, and rain hell on the Necrons and Tyranids. Meanwhile DD, Leon’s Land Raider, and the other Space Marines player would hold off the Tau and Tyranids on the other side of the fort.

It didn’t work out that way.

 Chapter One: In Which A Plan Fails, and Many Explosions Are Seen

            The Imperium won the first turn roll, and DD went first. He began moving his troops around the fort, but left the Basilisk where it started, in cover. The…um...I think the other guy’s Marines were the Black Templars…Not sure though. Let’s call it that. His troops moved forward and took positions behind some cover near their deployment zone. Except for the Dreadnought they didn’t move from that spot for the whole game. I moved next, and the Guardsmen inched forward, staying behind cover. I needed to clear the way for my vehicles, particularly the Chimera, so we could get as many men into the fort as possible. Then Leon and Terranred moved, Terran moving his Dreadnought and Typhoon toward the Tau and Leon scooting his Devastators and Speeder forward a few inches to get some shots in at the same. I didn’t dare move my troops on foot toward the fort until the Tau were occupied with Leon and Terran, because the Guardsmen can’t take hits for peanuts. And since the Tau had Battlesuits carrying plasma and missiles and a Hammerhead at their disposal, we’d last about as long as a bottle of malt liquor on Mark4’s desk during an FFA. Terranred and the Templars’ assault marines used their jump packs to vault to the top of the fortress wall, chainswords gleaming and ready to clean the filthy aliens off the fort.

      Shooting Phase was next, and it went pretty darn well. I used the 48’ range of my Sentinels (that’s the width of the freaking table) to fire at a few Necrons, but I only hit with one shell, and I didn’t make my wound roll with that one. Leon lobbed a few of his Devastators’ weapons at the Tau, not hitting much but you have to love the range. The real fun of this turn was on the other flank, as DD’s Basilisk blew away about 9 out of 15 of the Tyranid Genestealers, who had been eyeing the Black Templar infantry hungrily. It only got better, as, with one shot, the Templar Dreadnought’s Lascannon knocked aside the thick armor of the other Tau Hammerhead, sending it to hovertank hell. We didn’t let him live that down for the whole game. The Kroot and scouts traded fire up on the fort, and several Marines fell screaming off the wall trailing blood, but the Kroot somehow managed to dodge all three heavy bolter rounds along with the scout’s small arms fire!

        The enemy turn wasn’t all that productive either, but they moved their troops forward as well, throwing some shots our way as well. The one thing that worried me was when the (remaining, hehe) Hammerhead used its hovering status to see over the terrain and blast away at my tanks. It missed, though, and we lost nothing. Dice was pretty confident, though, as some of his best units were in reserve preparing to be deepstriked, and he was planning, from the sound of things, to put his Monolith, a huge Necron floating fortress with guns poking out of every possible spot and the ability to teleport troops out of combat to its location, INSIDE the center fort.

     At the beginning of the game, you can choose to keep certain troops and certain vehicles in reserve, and each turn roll for them. If you make the roll, you place a blast template at the location you want the units, and then roll a scatter die and a d6. The scatter die is a die with arrows and a hit marker instead of numbers, and whichever direction the scatter points, you place the unit being deepstriked however many inches the d6 says to that direction. However, if you roll a one on the deepstrike roll, you lose the unit. And Dice was trying to do this for his best unit! A gamble, but one that could potentially win him the game.

      Anyway, he failed the deepstrike roll for this turn, and we proceeded to our next turn. Not much changed on the other flank, but as Leon’s marines charged onto the battlefield, it was clear our plan wasn’t going to work. My Guard vehicles couldn’t get past the Marines, and without them in play my troops couldn’t get to the entrance. I settled for inching my troops forward a bit more and rattling off a few more volleys with the Sentinels, killing a zombie and Flayed one. (Necron close combat specialist) Meanwhile Terran’s bikers, lead by the Chaplain, zoomed toward the Tau lines of Fire Warriors, pouring bolt rounds into them and killing several, while his Dreadnought, in a shot that sent ripples of laughter through the Imperial ranks and sent the Tau player diving for his rulebook, claimed for him the lead in points by blowing away the Tau Hammerhead. The only big guns the Xenos now had left were the other Tau player’s Battlesuit railguns, and the Traitor Leman Russ Battlecannon. Chalk another one up for humanity!

           Chapter Two: In Which Fun Is Had, As Is Lunch

      The Xenos’ second turn rolled around, and this time Dice got his Deepstrike roll, not for the Monolith, but for the Flayed One Squad and the Destroyer Lord they were escorting. The Destroyer Lord is the equivalent of our Biker Chaplain but with better guns. His whole right arm is a Gauss cannon. The Lord and his entourage charged at Terran’s Typhoon, blasting it onto its side, where it became cover. The Fire Warriors, rallying, turned toward the bikers and in a flurry of pulse rifle fire….killed only one. Suckers! The Traitor Leman Russ, however, hurled a massive shell at my Guardsmen, killing several as the zombies continued their relentless march toward the fortress. The Tau also managed to bring down Leon’s landspeeder, creating some more terrain.

      Leon’s Devastators and Tactical squads continued towards the fort entrance, although not going very fast since all infantry can only move six inches a turn. Nothing much else of note happened during our movement phase, but when the shooting phase rolled around things got fun. My Demolisher cannon, rolling around, hurled a HUGE shell at the Necrons hiding behind the destroyed Typhoon. The three Flayed Ones were blown away with no hope of recovery, (gaining me 56 points. Not bad for my first mega-battle) and the Destroyer Lord took a wound. (he has three wounds) Nine of Leon’s tactical marines, one with a rocket launcher, all opened fire on the Lord after my blast weakened him. Something I forgot to mention: those particular marines hadn’t moved this turn. And Bolters are rapid-fire weapons: if the troops holding them don’t move, then can fire twice in one turn. The Lord ate lead. He was blown onto his back, and if Dice botched the We’ll Be Back roll next turn, he’d be gone for good.

      The Assault Marines on the fort charged into the Kroot, and the allies of the Tau soon discovered that chainswords are significantly harder to dodge than bolter shells. Soon after discovering this, they found that their heads were no longer attached to their bodies. The two remaining of the squad leapt off the fort and retreated toward the Tau lines like the wussies they were.

      The Xenos turn was next, but we decided to stop halfway in so we could take a lunch break. Me and my friends went to the Burger King down the street, and when we got back the others weren’t there yet, so I looked at some of the Codexes the store had. A Codex is a book about a certain army that holds a complete list of the army’s units, wargear, abilities, and some background on that army.

      When the others got back, the trouble started. The Tau got successful deepstrike rolls for two Battlesuits and a large squad of Gun Drones. Gun Drones are small, computerized hovering units that, while having worse armor than Guardsmen (is that even possible?) pack the nasty punch of twin-linked Pulse Carbines. Carbines are weapons that, in additions to doing good damage, “pin” the enemy. The target, when hit, must take a pinning test, and if they fail, they cannot move and must take a leadership test to move next turn. At least I think that’s how it works. As if all of that wasn’t bad enough, they were twin-linked, so they could re-roll upon missing.

      The Drones, 10 of them, I think, opened fire, ripping into an unlucky guardsman squad, wiping out 7 of them, leaving only the lascannon team, a tactical trooper, and the sergeant. We failed our leadership test, and the Guard ran for it, crashing into the Sentinels as they fled from the evil hoverdiscs of DEATH. The Battlesuits opened fire as well, but did significantly less damage. Another of Terran’s bikes was destroyed, too.

       One good thing about this turn was that Dice did indeed botch his We’ll Be Back roll, and the Destroyer Lord was gone for good.

       Our turn went pretty well, as the Guardsmen managed to make their leadership roll and stop running. Without anything else in range, the Sentinels, Hellhound, and an entire squad of Guard blasted away at the evil drones, taking out four and avenging the good men who had died last turn. Terran’s tacticals, hefting their flamer, bolters, and rockets, blew away three more. His dreadnought attacked next and killed two more drones, one with the lascannon and one with the combat claw. One survived, unluckily, and managed to retreat behind the Tau lines, where it reformed its squad. (yes, they can do that. $#%@ drones)

      Meanwhile Leon’s Devastators blew away one Battlesuit and severely wounded another. Battlesuits, like the Destroyer Lord, have three wounds. Indeed, we seemed on top of the world, as Leon’s tacticals managed to get inside the fort, clearing the way for my tanks to advance several inches and at long last, my army was able to gain the mobility we needed in the beginning. The Guard advanced in a great U-shape, and with no chance of the Tyranids and Tau breaking the line on the other side, and my powerful guns finally being brought to bear, it looked like the Imperium would have the fort secured and the aliens routed by 5:30.

And then all hell broke loose.

Chapter Three: In Which The Phrase, “The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Fall, Is Proven True

     High above the battlefield, a great green swirling hole ripped open in reality itself, and a mighty stone pyramid, bristling with weaponry, began to slowly lower through it. As one, the entire Necron, Tau, and Traitor Guard armies began to hum the Star Wars theme song as the huge, deadly Necron Monolith, the most powerful vehicle in the entire Xenos fleet, touched the ground with an earth-shattering crash, and the huge, triple- barreled Gauss Cannons adorning its sides began to angle toward the petrified Guard. Even the most fearless Space Marines soiled their power armor at the sight of this awesome construct.

      Dice had made his deepstrike roll with flying colors.

       The Monolith could attack on the same turn it deepstruck, and got THREE SHOTS ON EVERYTHING WITHIN SIX INCHES!!! That included my entire army and half of Leon’s! The cannons began to thunder, ripping into my Leman Russ and Chimera and gutting them both, the Guard squad within the Chimera escaping with only one of their number lost. Troops collapsed, only to disintegrate before they hit the ground, and more than one survivor lost his lunch. Multiple Marines were rent asunder, a Sentinel toppled over, explosions riddling its innards, and not even Terran’s Dreadnought escaped, keeling over as the Monolith caught it hard in its weak rear armor. The Necron floating fortress went on to immobilize my Hellhound and stun its crew, effectively shutting it down for a turn! The surviving guardsmen were trapped between a very angry Monolith and the remains of my own tanks! Even if we managed to take down the Monolith somehow, it had already killed three times its own point value in units!

     But as the shrapnel and dust flew and the Xenos laughed mercilessly, our turn dawned, and the remaining Devastator Squad narrowed their eyes and let loose with enough firepower to level a carrier cheese fleet, and with TWO penetrating fives on their wound rolls, the Monolith tipped over, shielding my troops from the vengeance of the Tau, and giving Leon a  %@#$load of points.

     Still, we were in trouble and the game went downhill from there. Terranred couldn’t hold back the Tau as they advanced up his end of the table, and his troops were wiped out but for the Techmarine, who hopped into Leon’s Rhino and escaped. I never even got a chance to escape, as the Zombies, forgotten during the Monolith madness (hehe) charged one of Leon’s tactical squads who were on the verge of making it into the fort. After drowning the Marines in a mass of bodies, they whipped out their special ability: Chain Assault. This allows them; if they win an assault by enough (they took no casualties in that one) they can immediately assault another squad if it’s close enough ON THE SAME TURN. The heroic Devastator squad that had destroyed the Monolith was swamped next, and I was completely cut off from DD and Leon. Worst of all, a Tyranid Lictor (VERY nasty close combat unit that can teleport a certain number of times a game) arrived right on my doorstep. My guardsmen had no chance, and we were cut off from the Techmarine that might’ve been able to repair the Hellhound, and with it, my hope in hell.

      With Tau advancing up the left, zombies closing in from the right, and a Lictor eating my men, combined with the fact that Xenos troops were starting to climb the walls and overrun the fort, we were lucky that 5:30 rolled around at the end of the enemy turn. The store owner called a halt, and we added up the points. I placed dead last, with just a little over a hundred, but it really wasn’t that bad for my first time.

Epilogue: In Which I Wonder Why The Hell I’m Talking Like This

      Dice won first prize with all the kills from his Monolith’s reign of terror, with Leon coming up under a hundred points behind, mainly from killing the Monolith itself. Dice bought a mighty Chaos Land Raider with his winnings, planning to paint it as a tank for his Ork army. Leon, using both his prize and $5.00 of his own money, bought a shiny new Predator tank for his Space Marines.

     I, myself, was voted most enjoyable to play against (in other words everyone had fun killing my Guard) and won the Ambassador award. I claimed as my prize a Chaos Sorcerer blister pack, which Terran promised to help me put together and paint. I plan to build a Chaos army around him. I will name him Sam.

    I had a really great time, and there was barely a dull moment in the game, even on the turns when nothing much really happened. The Imperial Guard don’t really deserve the bad reputation they’re stuck with in a lot of gaming circles. If not for the Monolith I would have mowed down the zombies, and possibly beat the Necrons. With that I could have gotten second place, as the Necrons were worth a lot of points. I also never really got my flamers into play, which could have done a lot if we’d gotten them near the Tau infantry. Everyone was really supportive, and the Black Templar player pulled out a really great crack when his Terminators opened fire on the Tau. “Reach out and touch someone,” he said. Mega-battles only happen once in a while, and I might have my own army next time. When I get my digital camera back and I get my Chaos boys painted, I’ll post a few pics so that you may all tremble before Sam the Mighty!

     I leave you with this link: www.tsoalr.com  A hilarious 40k webcomic about a slightly ill-fated Space Marine Chapter called the Emperor’s Pointy Sticks, Join Kren, Frep, and their Land Raider machine-spirit Jack as they battle horrors such as long-winded speeches, proxy armies, and Chaos Marines that think they’re Nascar drivers. But none of these can compare to the battle of The Shelf, when the Sticks must defend their honor and their place in their owners room against the…the…Beanie Babies!

      Until next time, a cheese fry a day keeps the bus driver away!